Processing my husband's affair(s) (3 over 14 years of marriage) has been very difficult for me. I was unaware of first affair...he confessed to it after ending second affair. Therefore, I will usually speak in terms of the details of two affairs. That said, I know I am analyzing things to death but hey, I'm a woman in an analytical career...I'M ANALYTICAL.
Discovery of first known affair (in 1994) was devastating. Discovery occurred in late May, but he continued until September. She was the one who informed me through a third party. When I didn't kick him out, she initiated the full-court press. He thought it was a vow of love that she was trying so hard, until I made plans to leave him. He then ended it and she then tried the "I'm pregnant" lie. When he didn't fall for that, she started the phone calls to the office. I had informed him of all of the devious things she had said and done to me, but he refused to believe that this was her character...until she revealed her "true" self on his job. You should have seen his face when he had to stand before a judge to invoke a restraining order against her.
Anyway, I was committed to saving my marriage. When he came out of his fog, he was to. I entered counseling immediately after discovery. He refused. Things got better, we relocated in 1996, and he started up with someone here 6 months later.
Discovery of this last affair occured 2 weeks after I quit my job in 1997 to stay home with the kids and return to school. I could not believe we were going through this again. This time, however, I felt more anger than commitment. Again, he continued after discovery for 12+ months. (Not sure when he ended this one)
At this point, I question the validity of the entire marriage. What did/do we really have? I, of course, contribute to the problems in the marriage. I, however, can't get him to take the steps neccessary to rebuild. I have come to learn, by his actions (which contradict his words), that he likes a large emotional distance that is not acceptable for me. He also has a problem with accountability. It's like being married to a single person.
The affairs have helped me to recognize many of the issues that have long bothered me. It is the pattern of behavior that I dislike...in the affairs, they were magnified.
When I was able to quiet myself after the fallout(s), I came to recognize that after I did the things that he asked, he still did not attempt to meet my needs...at least not consistently. He still stays out with the boys, doesn't call when he'll be late. Actually he doesn't really have a routine. He in sales and works from home, so his schedule is far from routine in general. His lack of accountability is also evident in our finances, household responsibilities, etc. He won't discuss the affairs...just wants to move on. To what...the next one? He rarely even sleeps in the same bed with me (by his own choice). Long time problem, but he doesn't seem to see why this is such a big deal for me?!? But, he will get in the bed with me at 3 AM and expect intimacy.
Like many others who have posted, I was bothered by the gifts...but I was able to get over that. This may sound odd, but I have compartmentalized the "issues" into two categories. The affair relationship issues such as the lies, late nights, gifts, etc. all go along with the territory of affairs. That has been easier to forgive than what I call the "courage" issues. These include the continuation after the discoveries, the face-to-face confrontations wherein he did not respond appropriately to me (THE WIFE), defending her to me (particularly the first one), neglecting FAMILY obligations and occassions, etc.
This is where I have lost trust not only in his ability to be faithful, but in his commitment to this marriage and family. Maybe its not possible to have an affair without neglecting your family and outwardly disrespecting your wife.
The contradiction comes when he says he NEVER intended to leave me...it was just an escape...yet, when the decision points arose that forced him to choose between his wife/family and her, WE lost.
This issue also goes beyond the affair. I often complain about my position on his priority list. Example, I spent my first mothers day at home with our baby while he spent the day with his buddy.
I apologize for rambling. Please help. Any advise would be appreciated.
Enlightened - Do you have a copy of Divorce Busting? It could help you, but it might be even more important for your husband to read it. When Michele talks about how marriages can survive after affairs, she says "If you and your spouse go through the pain together, you can get to the other side." I'm afraid that if he WON'T discuss the affairs, he is not going through the pain with you. You may have too much resentment to create a workable marriage if you two don't work through your very understandable anger TOGETHER. If he would agree to couples counseling, it's very important to find someone GOOD, so consider asking Michele for a recommendation in your area. I can tell you have a lot of pain and anger, and I feel very bad for you. Good luck, and take care.
Thank you for your response. I will make it a point to get a copy of Divorce Busting. I just recently found this site and therefore not aware of its existence.
You are very right. I am very angry and hold a lot of resentment toward him. That is one reason why I have not pursued divorce thus far...I want to be certain that this is not a purely emotional(anger) decision. However, it is tough to try to fix a marriage alone. I feel so stuck.
Enlightened, I really connect with you. I have no advice to offer at the moment only, empathy, and support! Its so overwhelming isnt it! Everything you need to consider, everything you want and need to know in order to make any decisions. I analize everything too. And like you I have a young child. He's 22 months. . My H's affair started when he was about 8 months and continued for a year. So year I relate to the family issues and neglected obligations. Also the coming to bed at 3am. Are you sure your Husband dosent have a long lost twin? :-I
Enlightened, Mary is right. Read DB. And she is also right about the process of healing from infidelity. You can't do it alone usually. You need your partner's support if your marriage is to heal. I understand that he doesn't like talking about it, who would? And he doesn't have to talk about it forever, but if the two of you don't deal with your issues sometime, somehow, how will you be able to eliminate the problems that lead you to this situation in the first place? Go get counseling. I hope he'll go with you. If not, ask him to read DB after you do.
Enlightened: My story is "new to this". I just found the site and the book yesterday. I have really screwed up by going about things in a totally nut-case manner. I begged, pleaded, spied, got friends to help me spy, went to see the OW, threatened them both---and ultimately pushed him farther away. I wasted good money that I didn't have on phone tapping and a private investigator---and all I got was more pain. I even called her brother and asked him to counsel her on homewrecking and the effects it would have on her two kids. This really pissed off my H, and she dumped him, which p'o'd him even further. After spending hours at this site and reading everyones' advice and feedback, I too am becoming enlightened. I can totally empathize with what you are going through. I hope I can get him to read DB. I think he will see a lot of us in there. Good luck! Wish I had some advice for you, but what I do have is kindred spirits and hope for us all. What really helps me is no longer feeling like I'm going through this alone. GG
Finally received my copy of DB and looking forward to reading it!
At this point, my plan is to leave, but I can't do that immediately. Therefore, I'm looking for a way to make the situation manageable until the "great escape" or the miracle (whichever comes first ) I've fought the long fight to no avail. Over the last couple of years, I have been slowly re-inventing my life. I've spent more quality time with our children (even on the PTA board), will complete my masters degree next year, committed myself to a career change, paid off loads of debt, and served my community. Many things are not as I would LIKE for them to be, but I'm muddling through it all.
I am just realizing or possibly, just acknowledging that my hubby has a problem with drinking and drugs. I feel like drugs are problem, period (he thinks otherwise) I don't know what to make of the drinking. I don't do much myself; I'm the type to go to a bar and order a coke with lemon. But thats just me. As I searched other posts and did some other research on alcoholism over the last day, I'm seeing some of the same patterns. Marathon hours at bars, straight to the bar after work, many nights at the bar in a week, basically all social activities involve alcohol, excessive use of breath mints and gum, lies and deceit to get to the bar, etc. Naive me never focused on the fact that he was always somewhere drinking, I was only focusing on his long absences and emotional distance. I felt neglected, rejected, etc. and wanted more of him. I am now wondering to what extent drinking/drugs has had on straining our marriage. What I do know is that this just too much for me to handle. I've been married but single for too long and it does not appear to be changing no matter how much I try.
Thanks to Michele and all who post here for encouragement and support. As many have said before, there is a certain relief in knowing that you are not the only one going through this painful experience and that their are many options to turn things around, if only for yourself.
[This message has been edited by Enlightened (edited 05-30-99).]
