So to sum up...you knew on some level what you were getting from the beginning and hoped he would change...but you're not willing to put your marriage one the line...so this is a big deal but not a deal breaker.
Not to say that's a criticism...but just the situation I guess. I also get the sense that he is a strict Catholic and in a sense might have views that sex is mostly for procreation (where you both seem to be getting the job done) and that when you're pregnant it might be subconsciously zapping his labido because it puts his religious beliefs to the forefront.
Why not think about other things he does not related to sex where he is more reserved. Are there some other areas of his life where he has issues or is unable to be more free wheeling? I'm just looking for a larger pattern that's not just about sex.
"The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." – Lao Tzu
Oh DB, you are absolutely correct. This is part of an overall behavioral pattern--he can be like this (reserved) in many areas of his life, not just sexually.
I do ask myself that from time to time..."Is this in keeping with his personality?" to remind myself that he's not withholding, etc.
As far as the procreation stuff, no that is not a problem for either of us thank goodness. I could spell out a list a mile long of the religious hangups he DID have, but that was not one of them. His libido plummets during my pregnancies b/c he can't concentrate on viewing me as his lover when there is so obviously someone else there with us, kwim? For him, it is the same as if the baby was laying in between us. Plus, he likes me slender and is not visually turned on by me in the pg state, although he is turned on by various aspects of pregnancy, such as the larger breasts, the fact that I am wet all the time, etc.
As far as did I know what I was getting into......hmmm, I don't know how to answer that one! H was NOTHING like he is now when we first married. He did not become so involved in the Church until we had been married about 18 mos. It was a huge shock to me. Prior to that, we were the types to go to Mass on Sundays and that's about it. His personality underwent a complete overhaul and I seriously wondered if he would leave me to pursue the priesthood. His attitude about sex prior to this transformation was.....hmmm, what's the best way to characterize it....how about Shy-but-Horny-all-the-time? That is, he was not the guy ogling me or anything but he would grope and we ML at all times of the day and in public, etc. He was reserved and is NOT a pushy person (in regards to me) but he was as aggressive as someone like him gets.
So to answer your question, no I don't think I really knew what he was all about. He changed so drastically in the first few yrs of our marriage that I still sometimes sit back and wonder Who IS this guy that I'm married to! For that matter, though, I don't think HE knew what he was all about either. He has spent the last 5 yrs ditching his hangups and developing a more healthy relationship with God and me both.
As of right now, I wish he were more aggressive and I wish I didn't have to be the "gatekeeper" of frequency. Other than that, I am quite satisfied with our love life--or will be after our baby is born. But this gatekeeping stuff............man is it for the birds.
The frequency will work itself out I feel confident of that. The aggressiveness? I don't know. How do you insist that a reserved person becomes sexually aggressive? Is this even a reasonable request? Does it matter that he was more aggressive at an earlier time in our marriage, or should I only focus on who he is now? Is it important enough to him to dig deep and find that part of himself again?
I have a thought for you, HP. What if you try to get aggressive with your H and then see if that leads to him getting sexual. For instance, wrestle him for possession of the remote control or threaten to go out in public wearing a very provocative outfit. Just do anything that will lead to you being able to say "Make me.".
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Quote: Oh yeah, if I was aggressive he'd follow suit. I am just tired of him following my suit, that's all.
So really it's more of a problem with him not openly initiating. I wonder how he would respond if you were to start frequently initiating things for which you are the LD partner, like talks about religious philosophy?
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Hi Mojo, I started doing this about 3 weeks ago and he really seems to like it. And you know what? I like myself better when I am trying to be a better partner to him. It is a very small effort on my part and he lights up like a Christmas tree. It was nothing more than my own pride which was stopping me before--that, and a desire to not spend an hour of my life talking about things which really don't "do it" for me. But!, I do realize this is an unfair approach to marriage (meet my needs and be my superlover but don't expect me to do things that I don't want to do, sucka) so I now make the effort and we have had some enjoyable conversations. Prior to this, almost all of our conversations about religion would end in arguments.
However, I don't think he is taking it for what it is--an effort on my part to be a better partner to him. Rather I think he thinks that I am "finally seeing the light" and becoming like him, with regards to my faith. I DO feel my own faith deepening...as I gradually lose my resentment over what happened to our marriage...but I will never be like him. I don't aspire to it and the things and attitudes that appeal to him are not my style.
So, while I will not say to him 'hey I'm doing this for you, man' my hope is that I can continue to do this and NOT become resentful because he is completely misinterpreting my intention.
After all, if it makes him happy, isn't that the end goal?
Had an interesting conversation with H last night. First of all, shortly before bedtime he asked me if I minded if he took an extra long time in the bathroom, as he was going to shave. He indicated that he was going to shave his chest, stomach and genital area. He told me last week that this is something that makes him feel sexier..because the hair makes him self conscious, as well as the fact that he can 'feel' more of me when he is bare. So I immediately start getting revved up--how could I not!
He came out of the bathroom afterwards and looked beautiful. My H is the only man who I have ever been able to get sexually excited just from looking at his body. It appeals to me in a way that no other man's ever has, and I have been with men who are technically more "built" than H. Very strange, but I could look at him all day.
I complimented him generously when he came out, which I knew would make him self conscious but heck I knew he'd feel like that anyway. We got into bed and snuggled up. He rolled over and put his back to me. That, along with other body language, told me that he was not in the mood. Which was really a-okay with me but I still felt horny. I was exhausted from the evening before..didn't sleep well..and my eyes were having trouble staying open. I mumbled something about being so fatigued and so horny all at the same time. Well that woke him up! He said, "How can a person feel horny AND tired at the same time?" I said, "Well why not?" He replied that he is either tired or horny but not both at the same time. (LD people is this the case with you too?) I said that my experience is that I can feel bone tired but also feel a tingling down below...the two have nothing to do with each other, really. I can either say "yeah let's do it" and fight thru the tiredness, or I can say "ah forget it" and succumb to sweet sleep. Either way, it feels good to my body.
I think that this is part of an overall behavior pattern with my H, too. The notion that you are either doing A or B. He is either thinking about X or Y, but not both at the same time.
I was surprised to know that just the fact of me disclosing my horniness verbally really made a difference with him. I have no idea what the difference is for him, emotionally or mentally or whatever, from me SAYING that I'm horny or me touching him and initiating physically, but he seemed to appreciate it. Maybe it felt more respectful to him..that I didn't invade his personal space but said it with words? I could go with this method from time to time, I think, if he likes it. Not always though. After all, he NEVER uses this method. He is too skeered to verbally say what he wants so he either touches me or asks me what I want.
For me to have to say it every time would start to ruin the experience for me...I would feel as if I was "asking" when what I really wanted to do was just go for the kill. However, he seemed to like this approach so I will put it in my arsenal.
So his curiosity was piqued by me saying that I was horny for him. So I pulled out the big guns and used Journey's H's line on him, "Maybe I could lick you til you were not feeling so tired anymore.." That did the trick and we had a nice time together.
The significant thing was that afterwards he was SO loving and kind and thankful and appreciative of me. I have no idea why but I tend to think that he was relieved that I did not take his initial lack of interest personally, as I normally tend to do.
I have found that it is MUCH MUCH MUCH easier to hold on to myself when it really isn't me. That is, if I am holding on to myself and saying, It's not you--he's just struggling and will be ready for ya tomorrow.. well I find it easy to HOM in that situation. I know I am sexy, I know he finds me sexy, it is just a bad night and I need to get past any resentful feelings is all.
When it IS me.......well, that is another ball of wax. But that is a topic for another day. What I wanted to say was that I think if I can keep my wits about me and not fall apart when he is not interested in me, I do know ways of getting him interested. And I need to ditch this idea that if he is not gung ho from the beginning that the whole thing therefore sucks.
Welllllllllllllllllll I never actually made it down there to do the deed. I was too tired! LOLOLOL
How's that for a change! Just me saying that totally revved him up and then we were raring to go. My body is so heavy and awkward these days that a feeling of fatigue can really make me feel glued to the mattress. So we opted for a more sedate form of sexual activity.
However, I did promise him that tonight I will be getting some of that action from him and, furthermore, I would be expecting some reciprocation from him. I may even get him going so good that he will give me some TF'ing, who knows. Sure sounds good right now!
I am also in the process of planning a surprise date for him tonight. We aint got NO money, honey, but I am thinking a picnic or something like that. Unfortunately, as you know Hairy, the weather is not very picnic-like right now.
I need to get creative to pull this date off but I am nothing if not creative and persistent.
You know, sometimes I just find my H to be very unappealing. He called me and asked me to fess up about what was going on tonight, so I did. He did not like the babysitting arrangements I have made and was worried for D2's safety. Fair enough, right, he's her father.
HOWEVER, I set up a date for us last month and he didn't like those arrangements either! And to top it all off, he said "I don't understand why you would choose xyz as a sitter when abc could do it." I said, "H!!!!!!! I tried to get abc last month but you said you feared for D2's safety, remember? You said you did not feel comfortable with this arrangement and I had to cancel the whole evening." He said, "Oh yeah, I forgot. Well I have changed my mind and they are okay and will do fine."
GRRRRR
This is how he is. He is perpetually afraid and negative until a specified amount of time has elapsed and then he's fine with whatever idea I come up with. This is not an SSM related rant, it is just a general "my H is a turd" rant.
I want time alone with him and I feel like I am foiled at every turn! We have not had a date since my birthday in mid-May. Even that was just us staying at home, he cooked dinner and his sister watched our girls for maybe two hours.
I mean, I am their MOTHER. Does he really think I would do anything or arrange anything that would put these precious children in jeopardy? I have given up my entire life and identity for them!
But rather than have it degenerate into an argument I just said that I had to get off the phone and I would email him later. I am frustrated with his general personality which seems to say this to me:
"I want to be with you, but I will not make any effort to achieve that. Furthermore, I will foil any attempts that YOU make in arranging this. But you are not to get the impression that I don't care about this."
Thanks for reading this vent and sorry for the tears of boredom, lol.
