I spent some time reading through this whole post. You've always given me some great advice so I wanted to do the same.
I still have the feeling that your H has some major issues about the human body and sex. I think you've mentioned in the past that he had a very controlling mother and a very religious background.
It's almost as if he's been reprogrammed to think that sexual thoughts are bad, bodies are ugly, and sex is just for procreation.
Now here's the thing you've also touched on. He's obviously a good guy, a dependable father, and a loving though not lustful guy. So you've got what most woman would die for...but you're not getting the one thing that you place a very high value on...sexuality.
Something tells me that you at one time dated a lot of guys that didn't have the good qualities your H has...but they did know how to get things done in the bedroom. But as you got older and wiser you choose a guy who would make a great husband but not necessarily a great lover.
But you may have gotten so used to the great husband...that you have placed a lower value on it. It's become the norm when what you really want at times is the great love. And this is a constant stuggle. So that's something you choose...and you're having to live with.
It does take two to tango though...so he's not blameless. What he needs to understand that he's a great husband and father...but he's neglecting a whole part of his being...being a great lover. I mean I don't get the impression that he's lousy in bed...just the frequency.
So it seems like both of you are on separate sides of this and you need to find a way to meet in the middle to get it to work.
What does he have to loose by continuing this behavior? How far are you willing to go and how much are you willing to put up with?
"The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." – Lao Tzu
Quote: But my original question stands: What to do when the HD partner wants to be attacked? Without having to ask for it or plan for it, which would obviously ruin the experience? I don't want this often (it is very difficult for H and I do have a lot of empathy for him) but once in a while is really important to me. I just can't figure out how to make it happen.
I am still getting over this notion that some women like to be "attacked"! This goes completely against all of my post-feminist sensitivity training. I'm writing Gloria Steinem a nasty letter, that lying bitch!
The other thing I can't get over is that your H, who was a Marine sniper, is afraid that you, a woman who would like to get boinked ~5x/wk, will shoot him down if he initiates. Isn't it ironic? Don't you think?
Ok, here is an idea. I do think you need a signal for when you want him to "invade your beachhead" (maybe the military talk will get him hot). Maybe you should wear a particular ring on the middle finger of your right hand. Whatever it is, it doesn't matter.
But here is the really important thing. He doesn't have to do anything about it if he doesn't want to. Sometimes he should "charge up the hill and plant his flag", obviously, but sometimes, he should lay off. The element of surprise is important, as when Eisenhower invaded Normandy. It would actually be like a tease, and could make the whole thing more spontaneous and feel less obligatory.
Then again, maybe he likes taking orders: "OK GOMER, NOW SCREW YOUR PECKER ON TIGHT AND DO YOUR DUTY TO YOUR WIFE, OR YOU WILL PULL KP DUTY FOR A WEEK. DID YOU HEAR ME? MOVE IT! MOVE IT! MOVE IT!" Of course, the problem with this approach is that you will have to get a buzz cut and where green all of the time.
Semper Fi,
SM
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
Quote: You know, this raises an interesting question in my head: is my W LD and not initiating because she's seeing her body/appearance as undesirable? If so, and I initiate sex with her, is she seeing this LM as a mercy f*ck type of thing? Tooo many questions! Hmmmm.
I think poor body self image is a crucial desire killer. I don't think a person can be comfortable having sex if they aren't comfortable with their bodies. It is why, for me, the tipping point between tolerating marital celebacy and no longer tolerating it was losing weight. I know poor body image is a serious problem for my LDW, even though she is absolutely beautiful.
I'm going to bed now and dream of fondling her wonderful buttocks.
SM
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
Hi DB! Thanks for reading the saga; I try to keep it interesting for the general public's viewing pleasure.
In regards to your questions..you know, I never really did go for the bad boys. I intentionally sought out good guys, the type that would make good relationship partners. I know for a fact that one of them turned out to be LD and as I think back on the others I can see that they exhibited LD tendencies although the R's ended before I ever really found out. I did date a few HD guys but they were not the ones I wanted a relationship with. One was a complete jerkoff and the other was an unrequited love..he was more interested in playing the field, the horny bastard! lol
Most of my R's were with lower-key guys who did not exhibit a lot of "horniness" while dating. At the time, I thought they were showing restraint and politeness but now I'm not so sure. Perhaps it was just easier for them to control their sex drives than for their HD brethren. Who knows.
I also dated many guys who were GREAT marriage material. Would have made wonderful husbands...what made me zero in on my H, you ask? (come on, humor me:)
I felt an uncontrollable desire to be with him, sexually. He just DID IT for me, kwim? And it wasn't his physical appearance (although that was perfect in my eyes and still is), it was the whole package. Now with me being HD, I think I could drum up some desire for just about any man I was with, but with H it was different. It was a primal urge to be close to him..connected to him. And again, it was his personality, his body, his voice, his buzzcut jarhead haircut, etc!
I knew then that I had met my match. He met all the criteria that I would want in a mate plus he drew me to him like a magnet and I thought he was smokin hot.
But I DO get your point, loud and clear. This man has so many attractive qualities that I should focus on...I'm missing out on so much of him because of my hyperfocus on this one shortcoming. I am well aware that should something ever happen to me, there will be a line a mile long of ladies trying to get their hands on him. He is handsome, hardworking, absolutely the funniest person you'll ever meet, physically fit, loves life, loves God, loves his children. Oh and me too, but we're talking if I were cut outta the picture here...
On that same note, I don't think he really understands clearly what the implications are of his not stepping up to the plate. I will not leave him--we are Catholic and we will not divorce. So I think this gives him a false sense of security. Also he is somewhat of a hopeless romantic (I was his first girlfriend at 27 yrs of age--why that didn't tip me off, I don't know) and he simply cannot understand that there could ever come a day when I do not love him anymore. To him, once you pledge your love to someone, that's it. You just always love them.
He can be maddening but as you say, his good qualities far outweigh the bad. My hope for him is that he learns to be sexually aggressive and get OVER himself once and for all.
Thanks for writing back; I will be over at your thread soon!
Solid, I have to tell you that almost all of your posts crack me up. I love a man with a good sense of humor!
You had me rollin with the "Gomer" bit and I have to tell you that my H would crack up laughing if I actually said that and he would be joining in, poking fun at himself. He is aware of how he sometimes comes off to me and knows the weird dichotomy that exists between the confident God-fearing MAN that he is to others and the tail between his legs wussy that he can be in bed.
I would liken it to this: A lot of LD wives are absolutely terrified to initiate. They are petrified of being rejected. Now............what are the odds that they would ever be rejected??? How many TIMES have they been told that it will never happen and that it would make their H's day? And yet that fear is a hard one to overcome.
It is really no different with the LD husbands, even in spite of the rest of his personality.
