Do the guys think, "I guess I am just not handsome enough.." and all other sorts of ridiculous thoughts when being rejected?
Absolutely, and as a HDH I think it's even worse since it's more important to me (than to my W) for maintaining an EC....add is a dose of low self-esteem (which both W and I suffer from) and things get ugly real quick.
As far as "ridiculous thoughts", they're what H is likely feeling and I hope you don't characterize them as "ridiculous" to him, that will do wonders for your R....NOT!
Of course I'm only speculating here, since I don't know your H, and it's his issue to deal with , assuming he recognizes or is willing to admit it, which I know I likely couldn't have in my early 30's (that's your ages, right?). Hopefully you can (gently) steer you H towards resolving (or seeking help) with his feelings, assuming this is part of what is bothering him.
My advice is settle for what you can get (lemonade when you have lemons), a night of "scheduled" LM, is far better than NO LM....and while I always felt that LM should be spontaneous, I know that's not always possible. (recall that when you were dating before marriage the spontaneous LM wasn't likly really spontaneous, since it likely occured on/after dates, so both of you had all day to anticipate it!)
Last, but not least {{{{ HP }}}}, I'm sure the lumpectomy will turn out OK, I'll keep you in my prayers.
Hey Tom, I need to clarify that the ridiculous thoughts I was talking about were my own thoughts; not H's.
I am the one who will sometimes have this knee jerk reaction (esp while I am preg) of "I am not good enough; I don't have what it takes to turn him on.."
Even though I intellectually KNOW this is horse pucky! It may take me a few minutes but I do come to my senses and realize this. In the past I'd be guilty of seeking reassurance from him in the form of annoying questions like, "Don't you find me attractive anymore??"
I no longer do that because dammit I have eyes..I can look in the mirror and I know that what I see is good stuff. I am tall and slender and have a pretty face. I also have large breasts and I like to dress attractively ALL the time, even though most of my days consist of being home alone with my two small kids. In fact, I have never doubted my attractiveness to other men, just H. I get plenty of other-validation from the world every time I go somewhere. I am still amazed that men look at me while I am carrying 30 lbs of unborn baby, 30 lbs of two year old, a diaper bag, and D4 in my other hand. Now, you might be thinking they are looking at me in a "aw, look at that poor pack mule" way but trust me, I know a LOOK when I get one. lol
And, Tom, the settling issue................ah, this is what I think I was really getting at. Do you think the HD husbands have an easier time of settling with what they have? From the looks of this board, I would guess that they do. I know that I suck at settling. Or accepting his limitations, however you want to phrase it.
But see Choc, that's the thing. I would not go back to where I was for all the tea in China.
The place I'm at now, though fraught with backslides on both our parts, is SO MUCH BETTER than the place I was at. No comparison.
That is why I carry on and why I will continue to do so. I'm not going back to a sexless marriage. Interestingly, H will not go back there either. He is happier this way, even though he (consciously? unconsciously?) fights me at times. Or, a more accurate way to say it would be that he slacks and becomes dependent on me to keep us focused since I am such a stellar SSM'er and PM'er.
(Since I post my idiotic tendencies for all the world to see, you will know that the last remark was pure self deprecation)
Quote: Chris, I absolutely have the same fear. After seeing these tireless warriors work SO patiently and diligently on their clashing libido'd marriages, I often wonder how there would be ANY hope for mine, even if I WERE to begin challenging my wife again, which I'm not (for now).
I've been working at this SSM/PM thing for only 4 or 5 monthes and I have seen remarkable improvements in my situation. My H and I are having much more sex, we are talking much more openly and though I am still yo-yoing back and forth a bit, when I feel close to my H, I feel closer than ever. Remember, this board is where we come to discuss problems, only occasionally do we speak of our successes.
Please, take my advice and take the tough stand with your spouse and hard look at yourself advocated by SSM and PM. Before I started this process, I told my sister that I thought there was only a 50% chance that my marriage was going to survive the summer. It's August and I'm still married and I hope to remain married. Even if you garner no success in terms of improving your sex life, you will feel much better and stronger within yourself by going through the process of 'differentiation'. This I can promise.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I will throw in my thoughts. I agree, I hate 'mercy sex'. I think some guys will take what they can get, but I don't think they are the best lovers either. Probably lean towards the stereotypical male. I got married because I felt something with my W. We had great S, then reality, twins, ex wife, money set in. She strted with Mercy sex. I hated her just laying there. I still hate it.
It makes me feel unattractive that i don't turn her on. I even want to initiate foreplay, but no, it is get on, get off. I don't want to be harsh on her, but that is how it feels to me.
I hate to say this, but sometimes I feel more like the W when I read these boards. Like I understand how you want that being attacked, the knowing. I want her to have the interst in me that I have in her. I can see her and jsut get turned on, but i never catch her looking at me in the morning getting dressed. Yes, I wonder am I not good enough in bed, attractive enough. Why is she not turned on?
Oh well, I just want things like when we started, unrealistic?
There are 3 sides to every situation: yours, mine and the truth. Knowing the difference is the key.
Quote: Please, take my advice and take the tough stand with your spouse and hard look at yourself advocated by SSM and PM. Before I started this process, I told my sister that I thought there was only a 50% chance that my marriage was going to survive the summer. It's August and I'm still married and I hope to remain married. Even if you garner no success in terms of improving your sex life, you will feel much better and stronger within yourself by going through the process of 'differentiation'. This I can promise.
I'm sure if I ever get to the point where I feel my marriage is about over, OR if I'm seriously considering an affair, OR if the celibacy makes me TOTALLY MISERABLE (as opposed to maybe one miserable day a week), I'll do that. As I've posted elsewhere, I fully realize that this is not the long-term answer . . . just a helluva lot less painful for the time being.
Chocolate Eyes, who if he were a steak, would want to be WELL-done...
I'm finally getting a chance to send my hugs and warm thoughts your way. Hope you get the results soon.
Quote: The lumpectomy will go smoothly, I'm sure. The only thing I am worried about is that they want me to wean my new baby right away in order to operate. Momma aint down with dat.
I say, if it's not growing and is benign then what is the rush? Why not let the babe get all the goodness from my milk and just chill on the surgery? I am sure they have a scary-sounding and panic-inducing answer to that one, which I will no doubt hear once I get the results of the damn biopsy!!!!!
I understand how you feel! Is there another doctor you can ask? Besides, you only really need one healthy breast to nurse - I nursed twin boys with BIG appetites for a year, no problems with milk supply. I'm pretty sure the body would take over if you were only able to use one. You'd be a little lop-sided, though
Thanks for the support on the second opinion, heapmom.
Those are my feelings exactly. However, my sister thinks that they want the milk dried up completely before they do the surgery..? I don't know for certain; I will hopefully find out soon. I had to call and leave a snippy message at the doctors office in regards to why it is taking them so long to call me back when they said they would.
Regarding the lopsidedness, I am already that way--due to the lump I guess. I just thought it was the way this pregnancy was progressing and that it would level out when my milk came in.
Dang, HP, hasn't the doctor called yet? I have to leave in 20 minutes to get a couple new tires on the minivan, and I'm really thinking about you and your situation. Maybe I'll have time to check in and see tonight. If not, I'll see tomorrow.
Loved the "milk and honeypot" signature. Isn't that a land somewhere?
Hairdog - who feels sexy even when W doesn't want to kiss my extremely kissable lips (she wants to be the best at everything, and she knows I have her beat on kissing!)
