I don't really know what to say about this weekend yet. We had an excellent conversation on Friday night, which did not include any ML.
Then on Saturday the EC was so strong. H even commented on the change in me despite the fact that we did not ML in over a week. I think it was that, during the previous nights' conversation I really felt heard by him. Not that he was just saying what he thought he should but we were really both delving down deep and trying to figure out how this happened and what we will do, both individually and jointly. I am not a huge conversationalist (I like to talk but like to have discussions on several topics, not carry on endlessly about the same thing..I get bored) but this was really a good one. And it wasn't all stars and rainbows, either. There were some hard hits on both sides. But we held it together and came out okay.
We did ML last night and it was very good, of course. The nice thing was that we were both feeling quite awkward with each other (H has an impossible time getting back 'into' sex when he takes a break..even a break as short as several days). So we shelved the sex for a bit and talked for an hour about our kids and our life, etc. Then we were both sufficiently relaxed with each other we naturally turned toward each other and it went from there. It was nice that this event fell on a Saturday because with H's obssession with sleep, it never would have happened that way on a weeknight. He would have initiated quickly with a "let's get this over with" mentality and neither of us would have felt all that satisfied.
A lot was said on Fri night during our conversation but the most interesting thing to come out of it was the following snippet:
HP: How in tune to your sexuality do you think you are? Mr.HP: ( not understanding question) You mean do I understand what sexuality is for? HP: No I am not talking about sexuality from a religious standpoint. I mean, how in tune do you think you are to your OWN sexuality? What does it feel like to you and do you notice that it's there? MHP: Oh. I notice it's there sometimes. Most of the time, not. HP: Is it a deliberate thing to suppress it? MHP: No not really. Sometimes, if I feel the time is not 'right'. HP: Do you deliberately try to PLACE it there, in the conscious part of your mind, ever? MHP: No! ( laughs ) HP: Well, lemme ask you this. If you just said to yourself, "I'm going to go to church every day but I won't set my alarm; I'll just see if I wake up in time.." how many days per week do you think you'd make it? MHP: (beginning to realize where I'm going) Not many, if any at all. What are you suggesting though? How do you do it? Are you telling me you either think of sex all day or you force yourself to think of sex, to keep it in your mind? HP: No not really. Not at all in fact. Most of the time my sexual urges, or my awareness of my sexuality, are not conscious thoughts. They are more like little blips that I either have time to cultivate into a full blown thought (complete with wishing you were home, etc) or it is a vague tingle down below and a REALLY vague thought that goes something like....seeeeeeeex. ( both laughing ) Most of the time the kids are too disruptive for me to really think any specific thoughts but you know, H, I am always aware of my sexuality. It is still there even if I can't cultivate any thoughts or actually go and have sex right then. MHP: I don't really do that. I push aside sexual thoughts or feelings and I sure don't deliberately take the time to think of anything sexy. HP: Is this truly your personality or has it become a habit to do that? MHP: I don't know. HP: Cause I'm just thinking that if you spend the majority of your time pushing sexual thoughts to the side, that it would be pretty hard to suddenly push them to the front when you get in bed with me. MHP: I don't do that, either. I just go with whatever my body is feeling..if it is tired, I want sleep. If I feel horny, I want sex with you. HP: So you push aside all sexual thoughts and then wonder why you don't feel like having sex when you get in bed? ( both laugh) MHP: I think I worry too much about the awkwardness between us, too. It is awkward for me to initiate sex when I have waited too long and then I can't feel sexy. HP: Ok. But you don't really want me initiating either, judging from your behavior towards me... MHP: Right. I just want to wait until I feel physically horny again. HP: I don't think it says anything in the Bible about sperm buildup in your balls...I think it is supposed to occur more in your head. (he laughs and carries on about possible Bible passages about his balls and sperm..)
Then he was silent for about 10 minutes. I thought he had fallen asleep. Finally he says that he is taking all this in and that the idea that you have to consciously keep sex in your mind in order for it to happen has never occurred to him. I leave him to his thoughts and we eventually fall asleep.
He was really thinking. I know it wasn't a technically correct conversation from a PM standpoint, but I don't care. My H can be clueless and sometimes DOES need me to point out the obvious to him in regards to his behavior. (i.e., the idea that if you don't set your alarm for church you will miss it and if you don't plan for or at least allow sexual thoughts to cross your mind, it aint gonna happen)
I don't know what he will do from here. That is his journey, quite honestly.
He did compliment me today on the fact that I am trying to give more kisses and hugs and so I feel at least that my attempted changes are not going too shabbily.
