HD, Too late. I already told him that during D4's pregnancy.
Folks, here is where I'm at right now: I think I am just now realizing that not only is he feeling little desire, but what small amounts of desire is there, I am killing it. Both with my shape and my lack of affection, which makes him feel 'safe' enough to want to initiate. Now the second thing I can do something about and I already told him I would work on it. The first thing?
Well if that isn't the cruelest freakin thing! I mean I cannot HELP it what I look like or hug like or walk like. It is a short amount of time away......why can't he just pretend?
I repeat:
WHY CAN'T HE JUST PRETEND THAT HE FEELS DESIRE FOR ME RIGHT NOW?
If he has said that it will return upon the birth of the baby, then wtf is stopping him from just...faking...it. Just fake it a couple times a week. What does it hurt?
It would save me a lot of hurt feelings and him a lot of headache. Is his pride/integrity/whatever that important to him that he'd rather crush me than just suck it up for a couple months? Why do LD people appear to be so cruel sometimes?
Because I get the positive affirmation from the rest of the world. Today at the dentist I had two people tell me how great I look for being this far along, etc. And, while he does not ultimately alter what I think of myself, he sure makes it necessary for me to have to keep reaffirming myself. It is unspeakably hard to know that others find me attractive--EVEN IN THIS STATE--and he doesn't. I still feel like the same person..sexy, outgoing, happy..but to know that his perception of me is contingent on the external me just SUCKS!
I find it a bit like if I were to say to him: Honey, I know you just got your leg amputated but I find my desire is waning. I'd sure like it if you were still able to do jumping jacks.
Last night he asked me to give him a hug. I was on my side facing him and he was on his back. I put my arm on him and massaged his shoulder and chest. He said (snorted, really, I'm telling you he was being uncharacteristically mean) "That's a hug?" I said, H I have a body pillow in between us, supporting my massive belly. I can't GET any closer to you unless I remove it and that would have taken a huge effort and prolly some grunts from me. I was trying to avoid embarrassing myself.
I think the fact that I try to play things off and act like the 'same old me' has him feeling disoriented. Like he thinks I am holding back on him when, in reality, I just can't f*ckin reach him!
Man you would think this was our first baby or something.
So since I have already posted loads of stuff that make me sound like the world's biggest emotional wimp, let me add this:
I think it really reeks that I am now turning him OFF. Fine, I can handle that I'm no longer turning him on. But I know my H and he is actually horny after a week of no sex. So to know that there is no horniness inside him means that he is either really talking himself out of sex (which he did for months in the past) or he is being turned off. Folks, I KNOW it is the baby and not me but gosh dammit that baby is inside of ME. So if he ignores the baby, he ignores me.
Selfish bastard, why can't he lie and just pretend that he still wants me? I would probably never know the difference and what would it hurt?
HP wrote: -------------- He doesn't have any sexual thoughts about me, ever. He doesn't see me as a sexy person, as others do --------------
You don't really believe that do you.
I know there are plenty of LD guys out there, but even most of them notice a sexy woman. Your hubby is not LD, his is just lower than yours.
You need to feel needed. He is frustrated with you needing to be needed and his conflicts over you being pregnant.
I know this sucks for you HP, and you are right, it does suck. Regardless, you have to step back, relax and have another look.
Your wheels are stuck in the mud. Spinning them even faster only makes the problem worse. Only a calm and cool HoneyPot is going to work this problem out.
When my wife was in the later part pregnancy, we did it side by side a lot so that I was less likely to "bottom out". I made sure that my strokes were shallow. This was to alleviate MY concerns for the baby :-)
Hang in there girl!
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Yes he was being a dick last night, HD. I actually considered writing that exact wording and edited myself.
I did sleep on the couch but not because I was mad at him, I really kept it together in spite of his oral diarrhea, but because I tried to go to sleep next to him and I couldn't. I could NOT tolerate his hands on me and being that close to him and hating him and horny for him all at the same time. AND just in case he ever reads this thread, horny for HIM not just horny you dumb freakin idiot SOB!! Hee hee, boy that feels good.
So I slept on the couch but every time I rolled over I would hear that conversation played over and over in my head. It was spooky and annoying.
I do realize I have some changes to make, based on what he told me, but damn where is the compassion for his wife?
Being pregnant is a very weird sensation. It is very hard to hold onto yourself when you do not feel like the same person. That feeling intensifies when you are not being treated as the same person but a "lesser" version of you.
I tried explaining to him last night how hard it is for an HD person to reach out and give affection to someone who rejects them. After all, if they reject THAT too, then you have two strikes against you. It is easier to sit back and let him come to me for affection.
NOP, You know, here is the weird thing. Once he is actually horny and wants sex, he is fine. We have no problems coming up with different positions..he does not worry about the baby..he is totally into it. It is getting him to this point which is damn near impossible these days. He crawls into bed with me totally turned off at the thought of ML to me. This is hard for me to hear, even though I know I shouldn't be taking it personally. He doesn't like to see my stomach protruding. (like I do!) He doesn't like it that I can't sprawl out all over him like I normally do. Blah blah, whaaaa whaaa from him.
I suppose I just need to accept that we have reached the end of him being a good sport with the preg. I knew it would come but it still stinks.
Quote: Last night he asked me to give him a hug. I was on my side facing him and he was on his back. I put my arm on him and massaged his shoulder and chest. He said (snorted, really, I'm telling you he was being uncharacteristically mean) "That's a hug?" I said, H I have a body pillow in between us, supporting my massive belly. I can't GET any closer to you unless I remove it and that would have taken a huge effort and prolly some grunts from me. I was trying to avoid embarrassing myself.
Honey,
I think you should read this again. Now look at this statement from his point of view and then use your HD brain to see what you would have done if the shoe was on the foot. I bet and im just guessing here becuase I don't get the sex thing with a pregent woman myself. But it sounds like what he is saying is that he puts in alot of effort to ML to you a a regular basis. But when he askes you for something he doesn't get that kind of effort. It is just a thought from me who has had sex twice in the last month so I am probably not thinking straight.
Quote: He doesn't have any sexual thoughts about me, ever. He doesn't see me as a sexy person, as others do
NOP, he has told me several times that he does not have sexual thoughts about me, in general. Last night he did admit that he sometimes thinks about sex the morning after we have it (reliving it) but from then on he has no thoughts of sex with me, or thoughts about me being sexy, etc.
Most of what I write comes straight from the horses's ass...oops, I mean mouth. I try not to guess what's going on inside his head, with the exception of the excitement I felt yesterday over his impending horniness.
Here is what he told me about finding me sexy: He does when we are ML. Otherwise he is not thinking of me that way. Despite the fact that I flirt with him, or make innuendos, or dress sexy, etc. I do think he remembers when we are out in public and OTHERS look at me with that certain twinkle. But that still doesn't make him look at me as a sexy momma, then he is just focused on what azzholes the rest of the world is populated with.
This is a real hangup of his and has nothing to do with the preg. He does not think of sex, plan for it, keep it fresh in his mind, etc. Being sexual is as much a frame of mind as it is a bodily or hormonal function. There are too many "formerly LD" ladies to think otherwise. And to read their posts, what is it that did the trick? Keeping it fresh in their minds. THEM keeping it fresh in THEIR minds.
My H has become reliant on me to provide him with the desire. Now that I am not visually appealing to him any longer, he is floundering because his desire has no foundation to it. He thinks he is asking me to fan the flames with the affection request but really he is asking me to build the damn fire from the ground up.
Neglectedpot
P.S. I am in dire need of your dad to slap me around and give me some witty saying to get me to shape up and snap out of it.
(((((((((()))))))))))))) Giant hugs for you. I wish I had advice. I only have memories of my H pushing me away, and I don't think I handled it as well, just rolled over and cried.
Those last few weeks, when you feel like your bodies been swapped for something else, and you're not sure where you stop and the baby begins are hard. And harder still when the person next to you isn't making it any easier.
I wish I had something wonderfully witty or wise to say to make you feel better, but I'll just send hugs instead.
HP wrote: ----------------- P.S. I am in dire need of your dad to slap me around and give me some witty saying to get me to shape up and snap out of it. -----------------
Well, you have heard this one from me before, but here goes - gender changed for clarification, otherwise as verbatim as I can remember.
"Girl, I don't care if you win or lose, but you damn well better let 'em know you been there"
:-) -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
