First and foremost, I made the mistake of trying to get inside his head and actually had the thought, "Oh I bet he'll want sex tonight! It's been a week and we've really been getting along well. Also, I have been out all day and am in an excellent mood and I do look pretty hot today.."
NEVER EVER try to guess when your spouse will want you. This sets up unreasonable expectations on your part and, plus, a good and differentiated person does not do this.
The night passed without incident and we get into bed. The very first thing that H says (with a semi-hostile-but-outwardly-joking demeanor) was "SO! You want sex?" The moment before that he had said that he threw his back out at the park with the kids. I was really taken aback at the way he "initiated" as well as the tone in his voice. Plus, it was not quite how I pictured us reuniting after a week of abstinence. I HATE feeling like I am a chore. I want him to feel like, Wow she was worth the wait. Or something like that. Anyway I replied that since he just told me his back hurt, I was guessing that he just wanted to go to sleep and rest his back but that he felt he "owed" me something. He nodded a little. Then he launches into this tirade about how he hates having sex with me b/c I am pregnant and he just wants to have sex with ME and not me and the baby at the same time.
Then he totally changed the subject and wanted to talk about something else. I started a fight about that subject until I realized that I wasn't really mad about THAT I was still steaming about his crap and hostile initiation. So I brought the topic back to that and he proceeded to tell me everything I do that ruins his desire for me.
I know it was anger talking but, dammit, it hurt to hear that. I am not a friggin robot, I'm a person and a WOMAN at that. There is NO woman who wants to hear at any time in her life that she is undesirable. Specifically, he said that I do not hug and kiss him unless we have recently ML. This is true and something that I have been trying to do better at but I am failing, folks. I just do not have the urge to hug and kiss him when he has been rejecting me. I know it is wrong but it is very hard for me to overcome. It only makes me feel pain and frustration to hug and kiss a man who does not want me so I avoid it. Now! I never ever ever turn him away. If he wants a hug or kiss I am there and warm. I just do not initiate it myself. So, Dave, what he was telling me last night was that I suck at keeping the EC going in the absence of sex. Really, I thought I was doing better than that. I asked him if he thought I was being hateful and he said, No you are very friendly and happy but you are cold. You know, I don't think I have EVER heard myself being described as cold before. This was such a revelation to me to know that he perceives me this way. I do admit that I like to be pursued. I do not like the feeling of chasing him, enticing him, however you want to phrase the feeling of trying to MAKE him want sex with me. I still have this annoying tendency to think that I can show up, look pretty and he will react to that. And my friendliness. I find myself very resentful this morning that now I have to initiate physical contact with a man who does not want me in order to create feelings of good will so that he MIGHT want me. Now I am not an ice queen. I do touch him and never turn him away. But I don't, you know, follow him around and spontaneously give him a hug. I wouldn't go up to him while he's reading the paper and kiss the back of his neck. He would act annoyed if I did these things, although I think that he has a little bit of Mr. Wilson in him also and is saying that he would like it and actually NEEDS me to do this. Fine. I can work on that.
Then he said that he does too much around our house in the evening and that he is very resentful of having so many things to do throughout the day and then...THEN...when he gets into bed, there I am expecting something of him. He said he just wants to get in bed and relax and not worry that he is disappointing me. I told him that I'd be happy to take some of his 'duties' from our nighttime routine and that I have offered many, many times and he declines my help. He wants to do these things, for whatever reason. (I could assign some negative spin on his motives but I don't)
Now he tells me that it is too much. However, should I take something (say, the kids' bath) he would then fill that hole with another activity and we'd be right back at square one.
Likewise with the hugs and kisses. These things are his due as my husband. I will do them and he is right that it is wrong to only give them based on how much sex we are having. But I have NO illusions about them increasing the sex between us--as he was saying. He will continue to sexually reject me but he will be getting kisses and hugs (which = love in his mind) and so will not feel so bad about himself for rejecting me.
He was angry and cold throughout this conversation and, to my surprise, I was able to HOM and really hear what he was saying and sift through what was angry crud. Some of the points he was making were valid and I will address them.
I did try to call him on his so-called initiation but I was crying by that time and a mess. All I could choke out was that I was not an 'it' or a dog, I was a woman. And as such I could not take it when he comes to bed and acts as if he is doing me a gigantic favor and I better appreciate it. He then said, "W, how can you expect me to treat you as anything other than needy? You keep telling me that I am not meeting your needs (heavy sarcasm there), so how else am I supposed to view you? Plus, how do you think I feel..I am nothing more than a way for you to get off and meet your own needs." I just wailed back, I wasn't talking about physical needs you dipsh*t..
He just doesn't get me. Or what I am about. Or what makes me tick. It is as if we are speaking different languages to each other, both with a blank look.
He said he didn't understand how a person could get cold after not having sex for a while. I replied that I didn't understand how a person could continue to want affection from me and not have it turn them on at all.
Then I got real fusey (I was already bawling) and said, I did this to myself by thinking that you would be horny for me today. I shouldn't try to read your mind or decide what 'kind' of day you are having; it is unfair. However, did you want me at ALL today? He then launched into this tirade about how his day started (8 am meeting) all the way to the end (9 pm shower) and how there was no point during that day that he even thought of me that way. I meekly replied, Well I thought I looked nice today. I do make an effort to entice you; I just don't do it by physically grabbing you and forcing you to hug me. By the way, I visited your sister today and as I was getting into the car to leave she said "I have to tell you that you are a SEXY pregnant lady. Some people are cute, etc, but you are sexy!" I just made a crack and came home. Now, H, what does she see in me that you don't?
I know, I know, more fusey stuff. But what is it, folks? Is it our history and baggage that prevents him from seeing me as the rest of the world does? Or for that matter, as I see myself? Is he stubborn and withholding?
