NOP, As I was out driving alone today (a rare occurrence) this same truth came to me. Isn't that funny?
One day about 3 weeks ago I told my H that I needed sex. In the absence of sex I would take copious amounts of affection. In the absence of sex and affection, I would take quality time. I said, "In other words, there are other ways to meet my needs if you don't feel like sex. Personally I think the other two are more time consumptive than sex but that is your choice to make. But if days go by without one of these three things happening: Sex, Affection, or Quality Time, then I will start to feel despondent and have a really bad outlook."
He said that he liked my ranking and he agreed with it. However, there are many many days go by (this was the realization in the car) in which none of these things are addressed. One or two days, I can chalk up to busyness but beyond that I think that we are talking about a more serious problem.
So the black cloud starts to descend, for me, when none of these things are addressed. It is NOT only sex. Sex is my preferred way of interacting with him, post 8:00 p.m. but it isn't the only acceptable way.
What he sometimes wants me to accept is this: He wants to be selfish and keep to himself for days without end while simultaneously having me believe that he loves me. I don't work that way.
So even though we have not had sex or affection in our lives since last Friday, the fact that he would stay at the hosp last night meant a lot to me. I really could have cared less if he stayed or went, but I recognized that HE was doing it for me and so I took his action for what it was--a loving gesture.
Too often lately his gestures ring hollow with me and there is no real deep emotion behind them besides wanting to give me what he wants when he feels like dishing it out.
I am really not that hard of a person to please and I do lose the EC if there is NO attempt on his part to meet me halfway.
I feel positive about tonight. I think we have a halfway decent chance of reconnecting in some way.
HP, I know you and hubby are going to make it just fine.
By the way, I want to see baby pictures when the time comes!!
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Oh, WB, this was a 'spew water on my monitor' moment for sure!
I am no model of SSM-fixin', I will tell you that right now. I have more backslides than I care to admit. We have made tremendous progress, true, but I will admit right here that H made his progress FIRST. I am just now beginning to really change myself, 2 yrs later. I paid a lot of lip service to it but I really didn't do it. The funny thing is that now that I am really changing, he is settling back into his old ways. I don't know if it is due to the preg or some freaky dynamics we have going on so I will wait out the preg and postpartum period and hope for the best. H is very optimistic that the birth of the baby will be wonderful for us, sexually, so that is what I have to do..trust that this will happen, as it did after D2's birth.
He did say the other night that his desire for me pre-preg was a 10 and now it is a 7. So the pregnancy really does affect his desire; it is not in my imagination! AND, I'll bet you dollars to donuts that he was being generous with that 7 and trying to avoid a wife who cried rivers of tears because he said a 4. LOL Hey I know I am not the most rational person while pg, but I do try.
Now I am rambling. Thank you for the kind words but I don't think I really deserve them. After I am finished making my own changes maybe then I will soak it all in and say, Yeah I rock.
Right now, though, I feel as if I have PM-ed our sex life back to something resembling normal but I don't know that I really started my own journey until about a month ago.
I guess we're all harder on ourselves. I just see how you, MM, Dave, Tim, NOPkins, and some others who've managed some success seem so much better off than I am, and I can't help but admire you. You people have laid it on the line and seen real progress. I know that I have lots of my own problems and I feel like I'm floundering with W.
Quote: I don't know if it is due to the preg or some freaky dynamics we have going on so I will wait out the preg and postpartum period and hope for the best.
One thing that disappoints me about my life is that I never had the chance to have sex with a pregnant woman . Actually, there was a good article in Salon that you might enjoy. I envy your H.
Quote: H is very optimistic that the birth of the baby will be wonderful for us, sexually, so that is what I have to do..trust that this will happen, as it did after D2's birth.
I don't know, he could be missing the boat, considering the way hormones fluctuate between pre and post-partum. I've heard that lots of women lose their libido after birth. Better to strike while the iron is hot. Otherwise he could be stuck as the HD spouse. Now wouldn't that be ironic?
Quote: He did say the other night that his desire for me pre-preg was a 10 and now it is a 7. So the pregnancy really does affect his desire; it is not in my imagination! AND, I'll bet you dollars to donuts that he was being generous with that 7 and trying to avoid a wife who cried rivers of tears because he said a 4. LOL
Is it grade inflation, or just grading on a curve?
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
I know someone is going to write back and say Honeypot shut the hell up already!!...but honestly WB it has taken a long time to even get to the pretty-functional place we are now. TWO YEARS. Ha. There ya go folks. I said it yet again.
There were so many hurdles in the beginning...every time I felt that we were making progress my H would throw something else at me ("I can't desire you because it is against my religion"...this after 5 months of reinstating regular sex...I thought wtf do you mean you can't desire me? We've been having sex 5 times a week!). It was maddening and we still couldn't talk rationally about anything.
Oh and every time things would slack I would get all pissy and resentful and say things like, See I knew it wouldn't last..you're going to go back to your old ways. Etc. It was ugly on both our parts. We were fused and con-fused.
We have both grown a lot as people and in our sex life.
I think the last piece of the puzzle is for me to accept that he will never be my Don Juan and lusting after me and pawing and enjoying the fruits of my sexuality. He is what he is and it is pretty good. He shows his desire in VERY small ways and I have to be on the lookout for them. For instance, the other night he was walking by and I had my legs stretched out and his eyes became fixated on them for just a brief second...so brief that had I not been looking directly at him, I would have missed it. But since I was, I SAW the desire on his face. He did nothing about it, of course, but it was there, no denying that. If I could have, at that moment, grown a pair myself and said, "You see something you like?" he would have flourished. He oftentimes needs an 'opening' from me and then he runs with the ball. The problem is that I am now a lot heavier than I am accustomed to being and, while I was hoping that it was desire I saw, there was a tiny little voice that said, What if it's not? Once this pg is over and I am back to being my size six slender self I hope to start working on my own aggressiveness and doing what I can to help him flourish.
Now before anyone bashes me about the slender stuff, let me just say this: H has said that he likes me slim. He never blamed his libido on it but it is his clear preference. He likes me slim with big boobs and I am more than happy to provide that!
I am rambling again. THANK YOU, wb, for the nice words. They really make me motivated to be the person that you think I am.
Quote: Now before anyone bashes me about the slender stuff
I was tempted to hate you for being a size 6, but then I remembered that I would have to have some bones surgically removed in order to be that size myself . Here is the crude ideal weight formula my sister and I came up with:
If when you are standing up, you can look down and see your pubic hair, then you are thin enough. If your breasts block your view, then that's even better. If you can't see your pubic hair because you shaved it all off recently for a hot sexual encounter, then why are you worrying about your weight?
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Well, NOP, I was not full of baloney. I lived what I told you yesterday--kept an emotional connection to him, despite no ML, dammit!
Here's why: At one point in the evening, I was reading a book. He came up to me and sat next to me and proceeded to give me tons of kisses (pecks). I was delighted! Then he starts caressing my breasts and boy did this shock me. Our kids were sitting right next to us and this is NOT my H's m.o. if the kiddies are around. He did this for about 5 minutes. He never let on if it was arousing him or not (and with an LD man, kissing + breaststroking is no guarantee of anything) but he was making an attempt to show his love in a way that would really make an impact with me and for that I am grateful.
I was joking with him later that all he could think about was "has this been long enough, so I can go down in the basement and work on running some electric?" and he laughed and said that he did start to feel like that but not til the end.
It did not translate into him wanting sex that night but that is no surprise. I think I could have gotten him in the mood but wasn't in the mood to play that game. All in all, it was good and I would chalk it up as #2 and 3 on my list...affection and QT. Which leads me to wonder if he's been reading this board?!
So that is the update on me...still no lovin this week but I'm doing okay.
. Actually, there was a good article in