I know someone is going to write back and say Honeypot shut the hell up already!!...but honestly WB it has taken a long time to even get to the pretty-functional place we are now. TWO YEARS. Ha. There ya go folks. I said it yet again.
There were so many hurdles in the beginning...every time I felt that we were making progress my H would throw something else at me ("I can't desire you because it is against my religion"...this after 5 months of reinstating regular sex...I thought wtf do you mean you can't desire me? We've been having sex 5 times a week!). It was maddening and we still couldn't talk rationally about anything.
Oh and every time things would slack I would get all pissy and resentful and say things like, See I knew it wouldn't last..you're going to go back to your old ways. Etc. It was ugly on both our parts. We were fused and con-fused.
We have both grown a lot as people and in our sex life.
I think the last piece of the puzzle is for me to accept that he will never be my Don Juan and lusting after me and pawing and enjoying the fruits of my sexuality. He is what he is and it is pretty good. He shows his desire in VERY small ways and I have to be on the lookout for them. For instance, the other night he was walking by and I had my legs stretched out and his eyes became fixated on them for just a brief second...so brief that had I not been looking directly at him, I would have missed it. But since I was, I SAW the desire on his face. He did nothing about it, of course, but it was there, no denying that. If I could have, at that moment, grown a pair myself and said, "You see something you like?" he would have flourished. He oftentimes needs an 'opening' from me and then he runs with the ball. The problem is that I am now a lot heavier than I am accustomed to being and, while I was hoping that it was desire I saw, there was a tiny little voice that said, What if it's not? Once this pg is over and I am back to being my size six slender self I hope to start working on my own aggressiveness and doing what I can to help him flourish.
Now before anyone bashes me about the slender stuff, let me just say this: H has said that he likes me slim. He never blamed his libido on it but it is his clear preference. He likes me slim with big boobs and I am more than happy to provide that!
I am rambling again. THANK YOU, wb, for the nice words. They really make me motivated to be the person that you think I am.
