Well, folks, I keep saying that I will not start a new post whenever one gets locked out and yet I always do.
Things are going pretty well with us; there are a lot of things that slooowly work themselves out, over the course of time, and then there are things that are blasted into working order right from the beginning. We are in the slooowly process now. In fact, I am beginning to accept that this is a process, PERIOD, and not a destination that he and I will reach. I think that he will always have to be mindful of my wants/needs and I will always have to be mindful of his. It does not come naturally to us and no amount of un-fusing is going to accomplish that. What the un-fusing will help us with is to not take everything so personally and make accusations, etc.
Accepting less-than-perfection is very hard for me. I am getting there, though.
One thing I need to work on is to recognize his subtle signals of loving desire. His signals of desire may never look like what I am used to...so I need to recognize HIS method. For instance, Saturday we went to the store and I wore a black halter dress and black high heeled sandals. These are the kind of outfits I can get away with wearing while I am pregnant; otherwise I look too 'showy' (maybe it is my height, I don't know). He never said a word and never groped or anything like that but he kept holding my hand and putting his arm around me, etc. It occurred to me, after a while of him doing this, that this was his way of being a little protective and desirous of me. As soon as we were home, it all stopped and it did not result in him wanting sex that night, so I can't say that I really stirred any desire in him, but I do know that I felt it briefly and I need to pay more attention to those small times and enjoy them.
Joyrides: My entire life is a joyride compared to what it was just two years ago. We seldom had sex and even then it was because he would awaken me in the middle of the night and do it quietly and without comment. The next day he would pretend that it never happened. We argued a LOT and were completely distant and disconnected from each other. We related to each other as co-parents only and there was no real love between us.
Now: We ML frequently, although not as much as I'd like while I'm pregnant, and are connected most days. We have a sense of each other as lovers, instead of merely parents of the same kids. He shows (small) signs of desire, the hugs and kisses are much more frequent. We hardly ever argue. He says that he cannot believe how much happier he is now than he used to be--he wishes we would have done this yrs ago. We crave time together alone and can actually TALK about sex, using the real words and all, lol.
So having said all that I had a huge backslide last night! Oh man, it was ugly. I know for a fact it was hormonally induced because I could feel that irrationality bubbling in me all day. I knew I was hostile and that there was no real reason for it. I even told H at one point that I was wishin someone would come along and give me a reason to pick on them. I have never had PMS but I can relate while I am pregnant. So far, I haven't felt that out of control hormonal "I'm going to kill someone" feeling during this pg, but it was there in full force yest. I managed to get the kids in bed an hour early and H and I hit the sack, too. He proceeded to fall asleep and I started in on him with a bunch of fused and pathetic bulloney. It was ugly. At one point I was even laughing at myself cause I knew how ridiculous I was being, but then the next moment I was going off on him again. I did eventually apologize and say that I knew I was just having a bad day.
About the only interesting thing to come out of the conversation was this: H has always maintained that if I would get the kids to bed earlier I'd get a lot more sex. This is one of those "if you achieve the impossible, you will get more lovin" type comments that probably all HD people have heard. You know it's a line but what can you do? Is there a way to test it out--no, because it is achieving the impossible, right. Well, I got the kids to bed and it wasn't even 8:00 yet (go me!) and he still wasn't interested. I pointed this out to him and he mumbled something else. I asked him to please just admit it to me and himself that the time on the clock has nothing to do with it and it is an EXCUSE. He said, Yes of course it is.
So score one for Honey on that admission; however, I lost about a quadzillion points overall for being so needy and irrational.
Oh well win some, lose some. Today I am trying to keep the big picture in sight and keep these hormones in check!
