Now that we are talking about PM induced benefits, I will jump in and say that for me it was: learning to hold on to myself; self validation instead of other validation--a big one for me who was used to 'using' men's desire as a way to guage how attractive I was; and the big one for my M was giving me a way to dialogue with H. Prior to this, I just didn't know how to phrase what I needed to say..it all came out jumbled up and desperate-sounding. After reading PM, I learned how to say it in a way that he can't argue with (though he still tries) and in a way that does not place the focus on him, but on myself.
As far as the books go, I think that a book written from the HDW perspective is long overdue. Mojo, get to work.
I remember before I discovered PM (which was one of the first books I read in regards to this issue, thank goodness) I read a book called "What to do when he has a headache". Gosh it was awful. It was written by an LDW and the suggestions were the usual: Get him to a doctor, wear sexy things, be nice and ask about his day, etc. It was SO bad that I think it actually set me back just to read it! It would have been great for a previously HD man who has just lost interest in his wife b/c she turned him down one too many times. To indicate that on the title or the jacket would have saved lots of tears on my part.
I have told my H that in order to continue to love and cherish him for the rest of my days, I will need frequent sex. I am not sure he believed me, though! I mean, he heard the words and knows that I was serious but I don't think he can wrap his mind around a day coming in which I won't worship the ground he walks on. And who can blame him? He has been, during the course of our M, alternately a nonexistant lover, told me that he didn't see how a wife fit into his religious views (this after being married for 7 yrs), not shown any demonstrable signs of desire, rejected me countless times for sex, set up sex 'dates' and then stood me up, ETCCCC. And through this I continue to love him. So he is not a whacko for thinking that I am just blowin smoke. It is naturally very hard for him to see such a day coming because it does not fit in with his vision of how his little missus operates.
What I can't figure out is if he is willing to take the chance and see if I am bluffing or not. So far, HE IS NOT. So there must have been something that struck him as true in that statement.
Corri, You know, I am a very loving person to H. He is constantly bragging to people at his work, in his family, in my family, about what a great wife he has and how loving and cheerful I am. I do find it hard to keep that love going in the face of obvious rejections of my wants that I have clearly stated. Who wouldn't? Once, yeah, I'll let it slide. Twice, three times, etc, I start to wonder why I am putting myself out there for a person who doesn't care what I want from him. Is this resentment? Sure you bet. Would taking a bath allow me to ditch it? probably not since it is a legitimate need that has been voluntarily neglected by HIS CHOICE. I really do get what you are saying and I try to live it every day of my life. H even said last night that I pull it off 99% of the time. So it's not a matter of me not operating from a position of love--it's a matter of me operating from a place in which I am ready to dole out the consequences, should he continue to neglect the way of life that HE agreed upon. I know that sounds ignernt (to quote my neighbor) but it is what I have arrived at.
However, I do want to reiterate that I do not automatically resort to a PM bashing that shoots his self esteem to bits at the first sign of trouble. The first thing I would do is to approach is lovingly. It is only after these loving signals get ignored or brushed away that I start getting mean. Maybe this is where I need to work on. What I've been doing aint working.
Thanks for the thoughts; they were lovely and eloquent.
