Kristy, I can relate very well to your loneliness. Rather than it being a by-product of the marital problems, I am wondering if (like me) it is just a natural thing that occurs with women who stay at home with their kids? I picked up a book last night at the library by Dr. Dobson called "What Women Wish Their Husbands Knew About Them" or something like that. In the introduction he describes a typical day of a housewife. It was all funny and true and then he got down to the nitty gritty and described the deep longing for human contact and the depression and insecurity that sometimes accompanies it. It was very poignant how he was describing it and, I'm telling you, it stopped me in my tracks. No longer was I laughing at his description of the daily trials and tribulations of kids' scribbling on the walls, etc, but I was really touched by his description of a large part of my LIFE. "the deep longing" for human contant is really no small thing. It is HUGE.
This is a short time in my life and I am glad--and very lucky--to be doing what I'm doing but that doesn't erase the fact that this job is hard on women. Dr. Dobson wrote this: "Loneliness for adult companionship is particularly prevalent for the woman who remains at home. She often experiences deep, persistent yearnings for human contact. She longs for laughter and love and the romantic moments from her own younger days." And on and on.
I am well aware that my needs, while perfectly legitimate, would not be as strong or as acute if I was in the workforce. It is the fact that I am lonely in my career, as well as sometimes lonely in my marriage, that makes it unbearable at times.
I have had to really make a concerted effort to NOT place this burden on my husband--even though it was just as much his decision for me to stay at home. He said to me once, "I cannot bring your happiness with me when I walk through the door at night." Boy this really struck a nerve with me because it was the naked truth. Who should be expected to bear that burden??
Since then, I make a huge effort to be cheerful (which is my nature anyway) and the difference in him is astounding.
Finally, what support network do you have? Family or friends nearby? Playgroups for the kids? I actually tracked my own happiness for a while to see if going somewhere during the day with my kids made a difference in my marriage. It was amazing, Kristy. It didn't have to be with my husband..just doing something different was a HUGE boost to me. I wish I could say that I am now regular with taking small trips with them (like to the park or to the library) but I seem to go in spurts where I have a busy week and then a week where I feel too lethargic to do what I know I need to do.
So here is my advice: When you ask H to lunch and he can't attend, think of someone else who can or just take the kids by yourself. It will STILL do you good to get out, although it might not be as fun as it would with H, and when he comes home that night he will find a wife who is happy b/c she accomplished something that day, as opposed to someone who put all her eggs in one basket and is now mad and resentful that she didn't get to do what she planned.
Another thought is to say to H: "Ok, so you can't go to lunch, I understand. Can we do something tonight to make up for it?"
Being flexible is hard but the one who will be rewarded is YOU. Your H will be falling all over you with love and you will feel empowered and happy.
