bad, bad night last night. My eyes are so swollen from crying that I look like an alien this morning. How's that for bad dbing? I'm just in la la land trying to think what to do next, I guess I should start a new thread here for one thing. I feel like all this has been for nothing, nothing has changed with H, only that I'm more vulnerable now in many ways. Damn, there come the tears again.
H and I didnt feel well last night, went to bed early, he said "I'll be back in a minute" and left the room. 45 minutes later, I realized the house was dark and H was nowhere around....S had gone to bed and turned off the lights....I got up, went downstairs, and H was on phone with the b---h in the basement. When he came up, I told him I didn't appreciate the lies and deceptions and have had just about enough.....lost my temper and asked him if he and Donna got their plans made, where would they meet tomorrow night when he takes his "long walk" and would it be Saturday or Sunday this weekend.....not good, I know. He was mad that all the lights were turned off on him (?????) and that I was "Hawk eyeing" him ....which of course means that I'm supposed to avoid going anywhere or doing anything in my own home that may bring his activities into the light of day.... Went back to bed, of course he's mad because this is all my fault, I drove him to it, blah blah blah blah....I confronted him with my knowledge that he didnt' go to his uncles funeral, that he goes to OW's everyweek end when he's supposedly "working".....he didnt deny any of it. Said I was being "venemous"????????? and that showed him that everything I'd done was "just a fake".....I asked what I was doing that was venemous, evidently bringing the matter up when it's right before my eyes and shedding tears are what he was referring to.... He said he just gets to thinking " wow this could really be great and then everytime you do this".....It occured to me that I am no longer willing to accept the blame for the poor choices he makes, I've worked very hard to do what I can in this R, and it REALLY feels like he's just been stringing me along. I told him I do have an STD...bad dbing, (many threads back, I got the joy of dealing with HPV).....he didnt say a word. I've been keeping quiet about it, not wanting to have it influence what he does. He made a comment that he should go to her house "now"....I told him to go if that's where he wants to be. Told him I have a real hard time comprehending how such a wonderful person and relationship as he has w/OW could turn him into such a deceitful liar....he said if I thought he thought things were great with her, I was wrong, that they werent, but he was so miserable and depressed with me before that he can't let her go.?????????WTF?????? I've been struggling in the back of my mind all week with the pain of giving up on this M, which frankly is about where I'm at, thinking what steps I need to take first to take care of myself, and really questioning if I truely want to be married to this person. I still love him, I don't doube that, and that makes it that much harder. I cried alot as this all hit me for the thousandth time. turned away and just cried. later he put his arm around me, then initiated ML....he always does that after one of these episodes, I have no clue why, and he's always, and was last night very tender. I guess I go along to get my mind off of stuff, but maybe I'll have to give that up.
this morning he was up of course to talk w/OW, brought me coffee, said I love you.... I made some comment about that I've always thought we could make things really good, and he said "I'd love to talk about this but I have to go to the bathroom"....I told him "go", and left myself....sure he'd love to talk about it....his way of dealing with everything is to have his head so far into the sand he cant even start to pull it out, and I'm supposed to just go on playing the happy fool through all this? I havent talked to him since then, I put his lunch out, waited on the porch with S for the School bus, and then left for work.
I saw OW got to work early this morning, which is very unusual..........
I'm trying to think what to do next.... --I have the letter I wrote, I guess I'll read through it and edit and go ahead and give it to him, just so I know I've said that to him in plain english/black and white. --I'm in no position financially to leave right now, but I guess I'll start thinking about what I need to do that.... --I need to find out more about divorce laws and about annulments....guess I need to make and appointment with an attorney and one with a priest.... --I need to find out about weight watchers meetings, I think they would help me --I need to make plans for something fun for the weekend, maybe S and I will take off for the lake when H takes off. --I really want to get a new bike, not sure if I should buy one yet or not, we've had such a financial mess (Oh, yeah, he brought up last night about that mess, and how I spend all his money. This from a guy who never balanced a check book before we got married and sure hasnt done it since...) guess maybe i need to figure out a budget plan for doing that and wait a little.. --I'm going to call today and drop the 888 number we have at home. I got it for the kids, but they don't use it and i think that's one way OW calls, don't know why I should enable/make it easy --I'm going to call and drop all the cell phones from the plan except H's, see if I can have the bill moved from my name to his. That will probably save 70 bucks a month, and I'll just get myself a prepaid one, I pretty much only use mine for emergencies anyway. That way I don't have to have that rubbed in my face all the time (still hurts, the whole shebang was a father's day gift I got him one year, feels like another betrayal that he uses my gift to plan and sneak with OW. I'm not sure what else I need to do .....cant think real straight right now.......??????? I still have more tears to cry....... I have no clue how to db from here on out or if it's even worth trying. Oh yeah, one more thing to put on my list is to get to work checking into grad schools, I've only done it in fits and starts, tiny ones at that, because I don't know what I want to do.
