Hi MicheleTW, thanks for jumping in here, you are giving some careful considerations to deal with. after reading TC's post and yours, I've spent time considering what I WAS like before, how I acted towards H....obviously it wasnt working real well, or we wouldnt be where we are. I would have to say that I was emotionally distant, and often quite irritated at him over what I now see as such little things I don't even notice them. I felt very lonely and hurt that he didnt seem very interested in me, and I responded by being angry, moody irritable, and distant....I didnt tell him ILY very much, and hardly ever said thanks or expressed any appreciation or told him anything I liked about him or that he did any thing well, or looked nice or anything. I thought all those things to myself, but I never TOLD him....I guess I thought he could read my mind. All these things are really hard to face up to, but they are the honest truth....I went out of my way to let him know that I didnt need him for anything. When he withdrew, I made a very concious effort to separate myself from him. I mean I distinctly remember thinking that if he was going to spend so much time lifting weights, I was going to find something else to do....and I was gone from home a lot, spent a lot of time shopping/windowshopping, just being away from home......When I was home, I let chores consume every minute (this I learned from my folks) and we NEVER spent any quality time together...as I look back, I sadly see that he did make some small gestures/efforts, (he would invite me to watch TV, I wouldnt; he used to invite me to walk, i didnt want to go & he stopped asking; other little things come to mind). I felt like he was just using me for sex, so that became a battle ground, he rightly viewed it as a control issue, even said so......
yuck, this is really hard to face, but it's true....and I guess it helps me see what I need to do, and why my instincts have been shouting "caution" at me.
Now on the other side of equation, I am convinced that H is a "silent son", one of these guys who grew up feeling that he never ever measured up in his parents eyes, and frankly they are cold judgemental folks who even to this day believe they have a right to run his life (he got a lecture 2 weeks ago about how he shouldnt even consider changing jobs, this to a guy who's almost 50 years old with years of graduate study behind him). No wonder he had such a gapping hole in his center that needed to be filled, and what a miserable job I did of filling it.
I can understand why he chose to try to lessen the pain in an affair. Maybe the miracle is that he hasnt left for the OW. I guess that in itself is any indication that he must love me.
Looking at things from this perspective helps me to see that it must be a huge leap for H to completely let go of OW....
On the other side, I see that I must focus on the things that I need to have in my life to be able to have anything to give him. I was also lonely and miserable, I just dealt with it differently. I can't live like that anymore.
I do still love him hugely, and I guess that makes me feel incredibly sad that things ever got to this point between us.
Last night was really weird and hard....I had to work late somewhat unexpectedly, and H was incredibly grumpy....says it's because he doesnt feel well, but I'm not convinced that's all of it. He was in the basement when I got home, on phone w/OW??? came up, was standing in the kitchen door, I went over to him and was going to give him a hug, noticed a wet spot on his shirt, touched it, and he went ballistic, told me to stop that and leave him alone. I was shocked and hurt, but just said ok and walked off. before I would have yelled or cried. H just stood there in the doorway for probably 5 minutes, then said he was going to use the treadmill. I told him I was going to take care of the dogs and go to bed, and did, no hugs, good-nights or kisses. he didnt sleep well, brought my coffee this morning, then left the room quickly, I had the distinct feeling he was avoiding me...later I told him I didnt know why he was angry or upset, but that I was interested in hearing if he wanted to talk about it. He said he wasnt, that he didnt feel well, and came and gave me a hug and kiss. Before leaving for work, I told him I don't like it when things are strained between us, and he said "they aren't strained, we're tired"....havent heard much from him today, just a reply to an email I sent about a meeting.
Oh, I was going to mention I've been checking out another website, I know that seems almost sacreligous, but this one is more specific to affairs/infidelity, and has some good articles. He talks about needing to "dig in the dirt", and I guess that's what I've been doing in my thinking today. Anyway, here's the website/one article if anyones interested: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/articles/trust_building.htm
Deb - there's nothing wrong at all with mentioning other resources on this site. What may work for your sitch might not work for someone else. There's a wealth of information out there (books, web sites, etc.) - some good, some pretty bad...
Me 52, STBEX 52 D 17, S 12 M 20 years Em Sep since 2002, Phys Sep Sept 2009
I am sorry for the up/down stuff going on. I don't know what to say - except just take care of you. He's going back and forth and back and forth in what he is receptive to. I guess if you see him looking upset, just steer clear.
And keep on morphing into a red-hot mama. If he doesn't appreciate it, someone else will eventually.
Hi dfb, thanks, and yeah, I think you're right, the best thing to do when he gets really weird and irritable is to just leave him alone. That in it's self is a 180 for me, and I just don't need the emotional upheaval of dealing with his turmoil right now (got enough of my own, thank you!) plus it's worth 2 cents anyway to see him standing there looking confused when I just walk away.
I've got a lot of morphing left to do, but have you seen the commercial with the 50 year old woman saying she has a "bowflex body"???? If I ever got there, I'd be REAL REAL happy (I think I'd still have to buy a boob job, though) ah, well, I guess I can dream.
Just have to butt in here - I hate that commercial and that 50 yr old woman!
On a more helpful note - I found that leaving H alone with his irritability and bad moods seemed to be more productive for both of us than hanging around. Just leaving the room makes you feel more in control of your situation and it's certainly more relaxing.
bad, bad night last night. My eyes are so swollen from crying that I look like an alien this morning. How's that for bad dbing? I'm just in la la land trying to think what to do next, I guess I should start a new thread here for one thing. I feel like all this has been for nothing, nothing has changed with H, only that I'm more vulnerable now in many ways. Damn, there come the tears again.
H and I didnt feel well last night, went to bed early, he said "I'll be back in a minute" and left the room. 45 minutes later, I realized the house was dark and H was nowhere around....S had gone to bed and turned off the lights....I got up, went downstairs, and H was on phone with the b---h in the basement. When he came up, I told him I didn't appreciate the lies and deceptions and have had just about enough.....lost my temper and asked him if he and Donna got their plans made, where would they meet tomorrow night when he takes his "long walk" and would it be Saturday or Sunday this weekend.....not good, I know. He was mad that all the lights were turned off on him (?????) and that I was "Hawk eyeing" him ....which of course means that I'm supposed to avoid going anywhere or doing anything in my own home that may bring his activities into the light of day.... Went back to bed, of course he's mad because this is all my fault, I drove him to it, blah blah blah blah....I confronted him with my knowledge that he didnt' go to his uncles funeral, that he goes to OW's everyweek end when he's supposedly "working".....he didnt deny any of it. Said I was being "venemous"????????? and that showed him that everything I'd done was "just a fake".....I asked what I was doing that was venemous, evidently bringing the matter up when it's right before my eyes and shedding tears are what he was referring to.... He said he just gets to thinking " wow this could really be great and then everytime you do this".....It occured to me that I am no longer willing to accept the blame for the poor choices he makes, I've worked very hard to do what I can in this R, and it REALLY feels like he's just been stringing me along. I told him I do have an STD...bad dbing, (many threads back, I got the joy of dealing with HPV).....he didnt say a word. I've been keeping quiet about it, not wanting to have it influence what he does. He made a comment that he should go to her house "now"....I told him to go if that's where he wants to be. Told him I have a real hard time comprehending how such a wonderful person and relationship as he has w/OW could turn him into such a deceitful liar....he said if I thought he thought things were great with her, I was wrong, that they werent, but he was so miserable and depressed with me before that he can't let her go.?????????WTF?????? I've been struggling in the back of my mind all week with the pain of giving up on this M, which frankly is about where I'm at, thinking what steps I need to take first to take care of myself, and really questioning if I truely want to be married to this person. I still love him, I don't doube that, and that makes it that much harder. I cried alot as this all hit me for the thousandth time. turned away and just cried. later he put his arm around me, then initiated ML....he always does that after one of these episodes, I have no clue why, and he's always, and was last night very tender. I guess I go along to get my mind off of stuff, but maybe I'll have to give that up.
this morning he was up of course to talk w/OW, brought me coffee, said I love you.... I made some comment about that I've always thought we could make things really good, and he said "I'd love to talk about this but I have to go to the bathroom"....I told him "go", and left myself....sure he'd love to talk about it....his way of dealing with everything is to have his head so far into the sand he cant even start to pull it out, and I'm supposed to just go on playing the happy fool through all this? I havent talked to him since then, I put his lunch out, waited on the porch with S for the School bus, and then left for work.
I saw OW got to work early this morning, which is very unusual..........
I'm trying to think what to do next.... --I have the letter I wrote, I guess I'll read through it and edit and go ahead and give it to him, just so I know I've said that to him in plain english/black and white. --I'm in no position financially to leave right now, but I guess I'll start thinking about what I need to do that.... --I need to find out more about divorce laws and about annulments....guess I need to make and appointment with an attorney and one with a priest.... --I need to find out about weight watchers meetings, I think they would help me --I need to make plans for something fun for the weekend, maybe S and I will take off for the lake when H takes off. --I really want to get a new bike, not sure if I should buy one yet or not, we've had such a financial mess (Oh, yeah, he brought up last night about that mess, and how I spend all his money. This from a guy who never balanced a check book before we got married and sure hasnt done it since...) guess maybe i need to figure out a budget plan for doing that and wait a little.. --I'm going to call today and drop the 888 number we have at home. I got it for the kids, but they don't use it and i think that's one way OW calls, don't know why I should enable/make it easy --I'm going to call and drop all the cell phones from the plan except H's, see if I can have the bill moved from my name to his. That will probably save 70 bucks a month, and I'll just get myself a prepaid one, I pretty much only use mine for emergencies anyway. That way I don't have to have that rubbed in my face all the time (still hurts, the whole shebang was a father's day gift I got him one year, feels like another betrayal that he uses my gift to plan and sneak with OW. I'm not sure what else I need to do .....cant think real straight right now.......??????? I still have more tears to cry....... I have no clue how to db from here on out or if it's even worth trying. Oh yeah, one more thing to put on my list is to get to work checking into grad schools, I've only done it in fits and starts, tiny ones at that, because I don't know what I want to do.
Quote: You left before I could say goodbye and have a nice day. I did not mean to be rejecting this morning, I just had to go to the bathroom. I had hoped to give you a hug before you went. How is your leg doing? DB
Any thoughts on this? I don't know what to make of if, I am so tired of being strung along, I havent responded, it just hurts too much right now
