Hi MicheleTW, thanks for jumping in here, you are giving some careful considerations to deal with. after reading TC's post and yours, I've spent time considering what I WAS like before, how I acted towards H....obviously it wasnt working real well, or we wouldnt be where we are. I would have to say that I was emotionally distant, and often quite irritated at him over what I now see as such little things I don't even notice them. I felt very lonely and hurt that he didnt seem very interested in me, and I responded by being angry, moody irritable, and distant....I didnt tell him ILY very much, and hardly ever said thanks or expressed any appreciation or told him anything I liked about him or that he did any thing well, or looked nice or anything. I thought all those things to myself, but I never TOLD him....I guess I thought he could read my mind. All these things are really hard to face up to, but they are the honest truth....I went out of my way to let him know that I didnt need him for anything. When he withdrew, I made a very concious effort to separate myself from him. I mean I distinctly remember thinking that if he was going to spend so much time lifting weights, I was going to find something else to do....and I was gone from home a lot, spent a lot of time shopping/windowshopping, just being away from home......When I was home, I let chores consume every minute (this I learned from my folks) and we NEVER spent any quality time together...as I look back, I sadly see that he did make some small gestures/efforts, (he would invite me to watch TV, I wouldnt; he used to invite me to walk, i didnt want to go & he stopped asking; other little things come to mind). I felt like he was just using me for sex, so that became a battle ground, he rightly viewed it as a control issue, even said so......
yuck, this is really hard to face, but it's true....and I guess it helps me see what I need to do, and why my instincts have been shouting "caution" at me.
Now on the other side of equation, I am convinced that H is a "silent son", one of these guys who grew up feeling that he never ever measured up in his parents eyes, and frankly they are cold judgemental folks who even to this day believe they have a right to run his life (he got a lecture 2 weeks ago about how he shouldnt even consider changing jobs, this to a guy who's almost 50 years old with years of graduate study behind him). No wonder he had such a gapping hole in his center that needed to be filled, and what a miserable job I did of filling it.
I can understand why he chose to try to lessen the pain in an affair. Maybe the miracle is that he hasnt left for the OW. I guess that in itself is any indication that he must love me.
