hi deb - just sitting here thinking of you. hope the weekend went well. i know just how discouraging all this can be, but please remember that it is the staying power that counts. i totally agree with ellie - best to act as if, make him realise what he is messing around with
Hi all, thanks for your support and input. I cant imagine where I'd be by now if I didnt have it. I guess I should give myself a small pat on the back because I kind of managed to "pull it out"....took Ellie's suggestion to heart and really worked on sucking it up....
I got off work at 11, and I have to admit I drove to OW's samll town and looked around for H's vehicle..didnt find it, although I didnt drive by her house. The thought did occur to me that I should look at the sitch as a gift of a free afternoon, and did I want to spend it running around and making myself sicker and more upset...decided "no", so I came back here to "our" town, bought a new CD (Tom Petty Anthology, See Ellie, I REALLY DID take your suggestions to heart) and looked at stereos (guess that's what you call them), took a nap and played w/S & kittens when he got home from school.
H got home at 7, 1/2 hour early, and was beat....from driving, workshop, OW?????????. I was in the kitchen when he came in, and was able to be cheerful and say "It's nice to have you home" and really mean it.....H said "It's nice to be home" and came and gave me a nice kiss....S even commented HE kissed YOU later. I did slip after we went to bed and ask "did -----(OW) go with you" ....I was calm when I asked, H replied "I told you this morning she wasn't"....not precisely yes or no, but I leaned towards believing him from the tone of his voice and the fact that he was matter of fact about it....I don't know, I dont REALLY trust a word he says anymore.
I know I talk to much to H, but I told him I loved him lots and that it was so good to have him home all weekend. Then I told him I was breaking all the rules by telling him ILY....he said "I'm glad you are breaking the rules"....I asked if that meant it was something he wanted to hear, and he said "well, how would you feel if I didnt say it"...I said "sad" and he just nodded....so who knows what any of that means in the context of our mess, except that he does seem to respond positively anymore, in stark contrast to the day in late February when he DID go to a workshop with OW and as he was walking out the bedroom door to leave, I said ILY and he said "I know you love me!" very angrily and slammed the bedroom door. Big change from that hurtful episode. I am careful to limit the amount of ILY's I shower on him!
H didnt go do his "office work" Saturday or Sunday, which was unusual....but great, so nice to just have him home. We did little fun things, watched a movie, took a couple of naps (real naps, we both seem to have colds), talked and went to church, grilled out yesterday evening, ML once.... just a nice cozy weekend in my opinion.
Yesterday afternoon, H suggested I might want to take a nap, which always arouses my suspicions....he said he would come up and join me "in a while"...I working on new seats for some chairs for D & SIL, so I told him I thought I'd keep on with that for a while....he kind of looked like he didnt know what to do/say, then said, I guess I'll go check email then and be up in 1/2 hour or so. He went down to the computer room, and I noticed he was carrying and nervously clicking his favorite pen....he came up in about 45 minutes and walked directly out to the garage to his vehicle, I couldnt help but wonder if he was writing something to OW. He wasnt on the phone w/her, you can pretty much hear when someones on the phone down there, H doesnt realize that. he was cheerful and pleasant the rest of the day and evening.
This morning he was fussing around about being late, I hadnt left the house when he came down to leave, but he did have on his ring, and I wondered if he was trying to get to the office and out before OW or if it was possible he might be trying leave something for OW before most folks got to work. Just acted kind of weird. Who knows, though. My fondest hope of course would be that he wrote her a "dear Jane" letter.
Tomorrow is the damnable staff meeting so I'm working on steeling myself for that. They will never be easy.
Hi slowly, I read through your sitch, and it sounds so much like things are almost to home base for you....I'm so glad. One commend you posted really hit home, and that was about the new house helping keep your H's mind off OW....I think you're right, and I've been thinking for a long time that my H needs something to help him break the habit of OW....his new weight room, in particular. We had decided that we were going to wait to get the equipment until we got a major-league amount of stuff removed (D still has BOXES of stuff there) but I'm thinking we should "just do it" with the weights....I even asked H yesterday if he wanted to wait, and he said "maybe I dont, because that's going to take a while"...so that makes me wonder, or at least think I'm on the right track that it would be a helpful thing.
huh, interesting thought just occurred to me, H didnt take any of his 2 or 3 hour walks this past weekend???????huh I did get an email from him saying he was "going downhill" and thinks he's getting a sinus infection, is really busy, and someone poisoned the fish tank in the waiting room this morning. Now that's scary!
Lordy, Lordy, H is such a grouch last night and this morning. I know he doesnt feel well, and had a bad day yesterday at work, but heavens I get tired of putting up with that crap. Of course, it serves to remind me of how bad things were a year ago when he was like that all the time. It was awful, those were terribly hard days. At least now it's pretty much occasional. I don't know whether it has anything to do w/OW, or is all work related, as he says, my guess is it's more than just work. He didnt sleep at all last night I don't believe, was up and down and even awake grumping about stuff. I noticed this morning his eyes were all puffy & swollen, I don't know if just from lack of sleep or if he was crying. I've never noticed them being puffy from lack of sleep before.
Today was the dreaded staff meeting. of course OW is late, it was interesting, I sat where she usually sits and she sat where I often sit....maybe not good, because H would have to look at her to see the speaker. But I couldnt help but notice she looks really drug out these days. I couldnt tell if she looks angry like she so often does, but sure looked drug out. I sat with 2 of H's best guy friends and we joked around...a female coworker at the table told me how great I look, so I guess at least she didnt think I looked "drug out"....she and I talked about taking a belly dance class together and I invited H's best friend to go with us....we all had a good laugh about it. I almost always feel a little stronger after I make it through one of those and am able to really "act as if" and have fun with co-workers....I noticed H took off out the door like a shot again, probably didnt want me to notice that he doesnt have his wedding ring on. I'm still waiting for the sabotaged lotion bottle to do it's thing. Ah, patience.
I don't know, I feel oddly calmer and stronger now than I have for a while. I'm sort of at the "don't give a damn" point this morning because I'm so tired of listening to H's pissing and moaning. Honestly, I'm thinking of stuff I want to do, and figuring out how to go about doing it, and I don't have the time or energy to absorb his crap right now.
I still try to be warm, loving and accepting, and encouraging, let him know I care and want him, but I'm backed way off, just little pats and cheek pecks, not many ILY's, out the door before he was downstairs, etc.....I just don't have the energy today to live my life and deal with his damn mess as well. It would probably be better for me if I can stay in this spot....don't know if I'll manage or not.
Quote: I don't know, I feel oddly calmer and stronger now than I have for a while. I'm sort of at the "don't give a damn" point this morning because I'm so tired of listening to H's pissing and moaning. Honestly, I'm thinking of stuff I want to do, and figuring out how to go about doing it, and I don't have the time or energy to absorb his crap right now.
I still try to be warm, loving and accepting, and encouraging, let him know I care and want him, but I'm backed way off, just little pats and cheek pecks, not many ILY's, out the door before he was downstairs, etc.....I just don't have the energy today to live my life and deal with his damn mess as well. It would probably be better for me if I can stay in this spot....don't know if I'll manage or not.
Hello Deb,
I'm thinking that it is looking like you are right where you should be! Stay there for a while...see how it all "fits" for you. I found that this was the only way I survived through all of my H's antics. ...And my own personal growth while in this "state" was (for me) amazing!!
Thanks, TC, I'm sure going to try, I've been "here" almost 24 hrs now....maybe I can hang out more! I just am very aware suddenly of all the things I want to do, and I can't get any where with that if all my focus is on H's stinky mess. This IS my life, so I deserve to get some of what I want....even if that doesnt include him....Guess I need to focus big time on the morphing, it was nice to hear how great I looked from a co-worker this morning, though, and to actually laugh with some of them.
I've been cautious because H complained about me being distant and not having time for him as a reason for his A....I see some of that as justified, but I wasnt really doing things I wanted to do either, I don't know what I was doing, hiding and muddling, I guess. How did your H respond when you got to this point? did he ever complain of distance being a precipitating problem?
Congratulations on being "there" for 24 hours Deb! Try for 24 more ... and then 24 more after that etc..., etc...
Quote: Guess I need to focus big time on the morphing, it was nice to hear how great I looked from a co-worker this morning, though, and to actually laugh with some of them.
I experienced those wonderful warm "fuzzies" too.. when I received those types of compliments. It does wonders for your self-esteem, doesn't it? Keep doing things for yourself to make yourself look better. Even just to "appear" happy and ready for a good laugh or joke at any time, does wonders as to how people perceive you and also for yourself. If you even just "appear" to be happy it won't be long before you truly ARE happy. (It works! ... Give it a try!)
Quote: I've been cautious because H complained about me being distant and not having time for him as a reason for his A....I see some of that as justified, but I wasnt really doing things I wanted to do either, I don't know what I was doing, hiding and muddling, I guess. How did your H respond when you got to this point? did he ever complain of distance being a precipitating problem?
I know you mentioned that before as a concern, but I don't see it the way you do. Today , what you are doing is distancing yourself lovingly. (That's tricky!) You WILL be there for him, affirming him etc.. You just shouldn't be (in my opinion) always telling him how you feel about him...saying ILY etc... Back off on that type of stuff, in particular. But keep up with the telling him on how hard of a worker he is (for example). (Men need affirmation, big time!!!) When he fixes something around the house tell him how appreciative you are, or when he does something for/with your son, how great a dad he is ... that type of thing.
The long "walks" he takes or the "weekend hours" he "has" to work ... well I think you need to start disappearing during some of this time. THAT will get him wondering, I'm here to tell you! I can't imagine that he would equate this with how he felt "before" because you are gone ..running the errands you had to run, visiting "friends", having a drink with a "friend" because you knew he would be gone. You can arrange it so that you get home just a half hour or so after he does. (Even if you just drive around the block ... just so you are not there when he gets home...AND make sure your dressed to the nines when you go out. Even if it is just for a drive around the block ) Also don't be in such a hurry to tell him exactly where you have been and what you have been doing every waking moment. Tell him you went to the book store(for example) and leave it at that.
As usual, I've made my post to you too long. (Sorry! )
These are just some ideas Deb. (Things that worked for me.) You ARE getting there!!
Deb, I want to be a contrarian here. You said your H mentioned your distance and lack of attention as one of the reasons for his A. Same thing my H said.
Michele reminds us that each M is different, each two people are different. You said in a previous post that saying "ILY" was breaking the rules: Only if you said it a lot before. If you didn't, then you are doing a 180.
To hell with the rules. If your H is saying that he needs to spend more time with you to feel loved, then find a way to spend more time with him. Don't play games about where you are and who you are with. Maybe that works for people who have been classic pursuers, but if you have been a distancer in the R and your H wants your time, honey, give him your time. Maybe that's his Love Language.
All I know is that once I made it clear to my H that I didn't hate him, I actually wanted to spend time with him, well, then I affirmed him in a fundamental way. We have been making steady progress since then. Not in the clear yet but I am hopeful that we will emerge, if not married, then friends.
Think about how your R functioned and what you brought to the table and proceed accordingly.
Hi Deb - Don't fight that inner voice, in my case, it was only when I truly got to the place where the outcome did not matter did NG seriously start letting go of OW.
Quote: I just am very aware suddenly of all the things I want to do, and I can't get any where with that if all my focus is on H's stinky mess. This IS my life, so I deserve to get some of what I want....even if that doesnt include him....
) Also don't be in such a hurry to tell him exactly where you have been and what you have been doing every waking moment. Tell him you went to the book store(for example) and leave it at that. 
)
Slowly