Hi all, thanks for your support and input. I cant imagine where I'd be by now if I didnt have it. I guess I should give myself a small pat on the back because I kind of managed to "pull it out"....took Ellie's suggestion to heart and really worked on sucking it up....
I got off work at 11, and I have to admit I drove to OW's samll town and looked around for H's vehicle..didnt find it, although I didnt drive by her house. The thought did occur to me that I should look at the sitch as a gift of a free afternoon, and did I want to spend it running around and making myself sicker and more upset...decided "no", so I came back here to "our" town, bought a new CD (Tom Petty Anthology, See Ellie, I REALLY DID take your suggestions to heart) and looked at stereos (guess that's what you call them), took a nap and played w/S & kittens when he got home from school.
H got home at 7, 1/2 hour early, and was beat....from driving, workshop, OW?????????. I was in the kitchen when he came in, and was able to be cheerful and say "It's nice to have you home" and really mean it.....H said "It's nice to be home" and came and gave me a nice kiss....S even commented HE kissed YOU later. I did slip after we went to bed and ask "did -----(OW) go with you" ....I was calm when I asked, H replied "I told you this morning she wasn't"....not precisely yes or no, but I leaned towards believing him from the tone of his voice and the fact that he was matter of fact about it....I don't know, I dont REALLY trust a word he says anymore.
I know I talk to much to H, but I told him I loved him lots and that it was so good to have him home all weekend. Then I told him I was breaking all the rules by telling him ILY....he said "I'm glad you are breaking the rules"....I asked if that meant it was something he wanted to hear, and he said "well, how would you feel if I didnt say it"...I said "sad" and he just nodded....so who knows what any of that means in the context of our mess, except that he does seem to respond positively anymore, in stark contrast to the day in late February when he DID go to a workshop with OW and as he was walking out the bedroom door to leave, I said ILY and he said "I know you love me!" very angrily and slammed the bedroom door. Big change from that hurtful episode. I am careful to limit the amount of ILY's I shower on him!
H didnt go do his "office work" Saturday or Sunday, which was unusual....but great, so nice to just have him home. We did little fun things, watched a movie, took a couple of naps (real naps, we both seem to have colds), talked and went to church, grilled out yesterday evening, ML once.... just a nice cozy weekend in my opinion.
Yesterday afternoon, H suggested I might want to take a nap, which always arouses my suspicions....he said he would come up and join me "in a while"...I working on new seats for some chairs for D & SIL, so I told him I thought I'd keep on with that for a while....he kind of looked like he didnt know what to do/say, then said, I guess I'll go check email then and be up in 1/2 hour or so. He went down to the computer room, and I noticed he was carrying and nervously clicking his favorite pen....he came up in about 45 minutes and walked directly out to the garage to his vehicle, I couldnt help but wonder if he was writing something to OW. He wasnt on the phone w/her, you can pretty much hear when someones on the phone down there, H doesnt realize that. he was cheerful and pleasant the rest of the day and evening.
This morning he was fussing around about being late, I hadnt left the house when he came down to leave, but he did have on his ring, and I wondered if he was trying to get to the office and out before OW or if it was possible he might be trying leave something for OW before most folks got to work. Just acted kind of weird. Who knows, though. My fondest hope of course would be that he wrote her a "dear Jane" letter.
Tomorrow is the damnable staff meeting so I'm working on steeling myself for that. They will never be easy.
