I had a really rough evening last night, after I've been doing pretty well staying "detached" and letting the storm swirl around me...I was ok yesterday afternoon even, then almost out of the blue this wave of depression and despair overtook me....
Just after H got home yesterday, the phone rang....S answered, no one there...H immediately went out to the garage...gone for a few minutes, came back in. Signal phone calls, I can't help but assume. H was pleasant enough, hurried around with chores, went for his "walk"...from 6:45 to about 9 he was gone, it was over 90 degrees and humid here, mosquito filled, he didnt put on bug spray before he went out, was barely sweating when he came back. I commented to S that he sure didnt seem warm for as warm as it was outside (comment I shouldnt have made, I know) and S said "I don't know, I just passed him in the hall and you can smell his BO"....so now we're reduced to noticing sweat and BO as well as lotion bottles. Frankly though, I gave this a lot of thought, and have come to recognize that the reason this is so hard for me to deal with is that besides the fact tha tomorrow H is gone for his "workshop", and today or tomorrow is the 1-year anniversary of H helping her move from her live-in BF's to her own home, is that last summer one of the first "clues" I picked up on that he was having an affair was that he would come home from 3-hour walks and not be sweaty.
Hard not to be discouraged when it begins to appear that nothing has changed despite all my efforts.
I went to get on the computer while he was gone, and there was a phone card, I never really believed he wasnt calling her, but that's certainly proof that he is.
I almost had a crying spell but managed to avoid it. H got home, and sat at the table with his sandwich while I was sitting there balancing the check book, asked if I wanted to watch a little tv, made the comment that would give us a chance to "get in a little time together". That cheered me up a little...
we went to watch TV and the weirdness really took flight. I was on the couch and the dog jumped in my lap and hit my boob....I said "ouch, careful of the boob, dog" and H looked at me in surprise, said "oh I gotta go get something I forgot"...I said "what, the word boob sparks your memory" laughingly, and he said yes it does and went out....came back a few minutes later with some "naughty" bras that he had gone to the camper to get.....they were there from several years ago, I forgot all about them. (it struck me though that they were proof that our sex life had not been as completely dead as he claimed)..... He sat back down and showed them to me, I started laughing that I'd forgotten all about them and that I knew I was really missing camping, but that was one reason that I'd overlooked. H said he missed it also with a wistful tone in his voice, then he said "do you want to go upstairs and try them on?" I said sure....went up and "modeled", joked that I'd always dreamed of modeling but that wasnt exactly what I've had in mind....he laughed and was "horny".... We snuggled up together and I was just holding him and rubbing his back, he said it felt so good, then he almost went to sleep...lost his erection and everything, woke up, commented that he didnt' know what was wrong with him that he'd go to sleep like that (told him it was ok, now maybe I could convince him we needed to try some massage stuff) and he "revived" pretty quickly, ML enthusiasticly and passionately, did say ILY tenderly and sincerely, said how he loved how "hot" I am any more (??????there's a change from a few months ago!) then.......said he had to use the bathroom, got up, and went downstairs, (our room has an adjoining bath, he didnt go in there) I kind of dozed off, but I know he was gone for 30 minutes......WTF?????? The thought actually crossed my mind that he went to call OW....????? so weird. I did sleep like a baby, though. H said he was up several times in the night, I never even noticed or heard his alarm go off....he brought me coffee and was pleasant this morning, even called to me to show me the beautiful sunrise as we were outside doing chores.
We were rushed, not much time for smooches or niceities this morning, but things were pleasant. I left the house at about 7:35, called up the stairs to tell him good bye and that his lunch was on the island, didn't get an answer, so I just left.
H usually gets to work about 7:50, this morning I saw him drive in a few minutes after 8, which is very unusual for him to be that late. Saw OW arrive about the same time, which is very unusual for her to be that early (she's usually at least 15 minutes late).... I couldnt help but wonder if the lotion sabotage might have taken effect this morning, or if they were in contact......just so tiring, even trying to shut it out of my mind becomes tiring.
I havent taken my AD for a while, and it's starting into the later half of my cycle, so I guess I better get with that program again. I keep telling myself it's sexist to think that way, but when I observe my self objectively, the time of month really does have an effect.
I know this is another novel, but I could use any input/interpretation/2x4's anyone has to offer.
To my credit, so far I've not said 1 single word about tomorrows "workshop".......or OW, or R, or my insecurities, or Anything other than looking forward to being with him, sex, and kid/family stuff.
