Hi Deb - Your son is one perseptive young man. Absolutely the best outcome of this painful episode is that NG and I understand so much more about what we mean to each other. Like you, we make more time to just talk and connect.
And I'm so glad to see you are able to notice the improvements in S. It must be so motivating to know that all your hard work, keeping a lid on the more painful outbursts, have resulted in the place you are today, a happier family.
About there being no end in sight - actually, I now actively avoid having an end in sight. I want to always have something to work on. I reckon that is one of the aspects of 'putting effort into the relationship' - if we thought we had reached nirvana, would we not then be falling into the same trap of taking each other for granted?
I had a really rough evening last night, after I've been doing pretty well staying "detached" and letting the storm swirl around me...I was ok yesterday afternoon even, then almost out of the blue this wave of depression and despair overtook me....
Just after H got home yesterday, the phone rang....S answered, no one there...H immediately went out to the garage...gone for a few minutes, came back in. Signal phone calls, I can't help but assume. H was pleasant enough, hurried around with chores, went for his "walk"...from 6:45 to about 9 he was gone, it was over 90 degrees and humid here, mosquito filled, he didnt put on bug spray before he went out, was barely sweating when he came back. I commented to S that he sure didnt seem warm for as warm as it was outside (comment I shouldnt have made, I know) and S said "I don't know, I just passed him in the hall and you can smell his BO"....so now we're reduced to noticing sweat and BO as well as lotion bottles. Frankly though, I gave this a lot of thought, and have come to recognize that the reason this is so hard for me to deal with is that besides the fact tha tomorrow H is gone for his "workshop", and today or tomorrow is the 1-year anniversary of H helping her move from her live-in BF's to her own home, is that last summer one of the first "clues" I picked up on that he was having an affair was that he would come home from 3-hour walks and not be sweaty.
Hard not to be discouraged when it begins to appear that nothing has changed despite all my efforts.
I went to get on the computer while he was gone, and there was a phone card, I never really believed he wasnt calling her, but that's certainly proof that he is.
I almost had a crying spell but managed to avoid it. H got home, and sat at the table with his sandwich while I was sitting there balancing the check book, asked if I wanted to watch a little tv, made the comment that would give us a chance to "get in a little time together". That cheered me up a little...
we went to watch TV and the weirdness really took flight. I was on the couch and the dog jumped in my lap and hit my boob....I said "ouch, careful of the boob, dog" and H looked at me in surprise, said "oh I gotta go get something I forgot"...I said "what, the word boob sparks your memory" laughingly, and he said yes it does and went out....came back a few minutes later with some "naughty" bras that he had gone to the camper to get.....they were there from several years ago, I forgot all about them. (it struck me though that they were proof that our sex life had not been as completely dead as he claimed)..... He sat back down and showed them to me, I started laughing that I'd forgotten all about them and that I knew I was really missing camping, but that was one reason that I'd overlooked. H said he missed it also with a wistful tone in his voice, then he said "do you want to go upstairs and try them on?" I said sure....went up and "modeled", joked that I'd always dreamed of modeling but that wasnt exactly what I've had in mind....he laughed and was "horny".... We snuggled up together and I was just holding him and rubbing his back, he said it felt so good, then he almost went to sleep...lost his erection and everything, woke up, commented that he didnt' know what was wrong with him that he'd go to sleep like that (told him it was ok, now maybe I could convince him we needed to try some massage stuff) and he "revived" pretty quickly, ML enthusiasticly and passionately, did say ILY tenderly and sincerely, said how he loved how "hot" I am any more (??????there's a change from a few months ago!) then.......said he had to use the bathroom, got up, and went downstairs, (our room has an adjoining bath, he didnt go in there) I kind of dozed off, but I know he was gone for 30 minutes......WTF?????? The thought actually crossed my mind that he went to call OW....????? so weird. I did sleep like a baby, though. H said he was up several times in the night, I never even noticed or heard his alarm go off....he brought me coffee and was pleasant this morning, even called to me to show me the beautiful sunrise as we were outside doing chores.
We were rushed, not much time for smooches or niceities this morning, but things were pleasant. I left the house at about 7:35, called up the stairs to tell him good bye and that his lunch was on the island, didn't get an answer, so I just left.
H usually gets to work about 7:50, this morning I saw him drive in a few minutes after 8, which is very unusual for him to be that late. Saw OW arrive about the same time, which is very unusual for her to be that early (she's usually at least 15 minutes late).... I couldnt help but wonder if the lotion sabotage might have taken effect this morning, or if they were in contact......just so tiring, even trying to shut it out of my mind becomes tiring.
I havent taken my AD for a while, and it's starting into the later half of my cycle, so I guess I better get with that program again. I keep telling myself it's sexist to think that way, but when I observe my self objectively, the time of month really does have an effect.
I know this is another novel, but I could use any input/interpretation/2x4's anyone has to offer.
To my credit, so far I've not said 1 single word about tomorrows "workshop".......or OW, or R, or my insecurities, or Anything other than looking forward to being with him, sex, and kid/family stuff.
Hi Slowly, I don't expect the efforts to keep our R/M alive to ever end,either, but I damn sure want this stinking A to end, already! if we are going to be married.
I feel a little calmer again this evening, due I'm sure to modern pharmaceuticals and the fact that I took the larger dosage of my AD's this AM...the lesson here is that I DO need to take them right now, even if I think I don't. It probably helps me be calmer also that I had a pleasant contact w/H as he left work...stopped by my office, gave me a warm hug and kiss (very bad for my resolve to stay detached) and asked when I would be getting home, saying he would like for us to get to spend a little bit of time together. Now that is a pleasant thought, even though I'm very leery of EVERY word he says anymore...still, that's 2 nights in a row he's suggested spending time together. That is a 180 on his part from how he used to be. We were talking about his workshop tomorrow, I did mention having bitten off the tip of my tongue to not ask him about who was going, and he said "well you don't need to"...when I asked if I didnt need to ask or to bite my tongue, he said "neither", so not quite sure what that means, he didnt really say much but it felt somewhat calming.
This morning is very difficult, I'm feeling very down and hopeless. H is supposedly at his "workshop", I don't believe OW is here today. which of course means they are spending the day together. I don't have any "proof", but i don't think I would have to look very hard to find it.
after all his talk about spending some time together, H was still working out when I got home. S told me H was on the phone w/OW for about an hour, just mumbling, other than S heard him say "Well Yeah" and the become quite angry and then "sad and angry" as S put it. I decided I didnt have enough patience to wait for him to decide to "spend time together" so I just went upstairs and got in bed to read. H tried to initiate sex last night, and it just plain didnt work for one of the very few times since I've known him.
This morning he was talking about that we would spend the rest of the weekend together, he's not going to do "office work" or mow...I noticed he was wearing his black undies this morning....his "workshop underwear", I guess. didn't mention it to him, but it's one of those little unusual things that I pick up on that he does when OW is in the picture.
H was actually pretty warm and tender this morning, I did the chores for him (sucker that I am), and he thanked me for it. I told him I was having a hard time not feeling insecure, and he said "you don't have any reason to"...
Why am I putting myself through this over and over again? WHY? I guess when I look at the big picture, there is progress, but it is just excruciating that this goes on and on no matter what....I feel like if I could last it out, things will work out, but I'm not sure I can last much longer. On the other hand, the options are either stick it out or file for D, and I really don't believe that would be any easier other than putting it into a time frame....
I am so discouraged. I have no clue what to do now. If I say anything, it just makes a horrible fight and miserable weekend. Acting as if just seems to let it go on and on. but I'm still not ready to give an ultimatum, not ready to live with it. The last time I lost it, in June, just before vacation, H made the comment that "you had this won, now I don't know" nasty thing to say, but certainly some info there for me to note.
I found another website that has what sounds like good info on how to deal with different types of affairs and how to interpret the "goings on" but it has a charge and i cant' get either electronic debit or my cc to work. it would be interesting to see.
I could drive to her little town and see if H's vehicle is there, but what good would it do me? Except I don't dare say a word unless I'm absolutly certain he's with her.
Help, anybody. Lord, why does this take so long, and how am I going to last it out?
Quote: H was on the phone w/OW for about an hour, just mumbling, other than S heard him say "Well Yeah" and the become quite angry and then "sad and angry" as S put it.
Quote: I told him I was having a hard time not feeling insecure, and he said "you don't have any reason to"...
Sounds like she is bugging him, so I want you to do the opposite. Get out your best Act As IF, quit ASSuming, be as cheerful and smiling and full of joy as you possibly can when he comes home tonight (and everynight). I found that playing a good, upbeat CD before my H came home (Best of Tom Petty worked for me) helped me get my mood together.
After a day of dealing with OWs melodrama, you will seem like a fresh breeze
I am sorry that you are discouraged, I knew that today was going to be hard for you.
Not that I am wanting you to focus on this, but what is the scenario you have dreamt up...that there is no workshop? that they are attending the workshop together? that during the lunchtime break they are spending time together?
I can't believe that if he is up to no good he would actually let you see him w/his workshop undies on.
I will share with you my verse for today, as I have no other concrete advice to give. Matthew 11:28 "Come unto me all ye who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest."
I am discovering yet again that I can't do this by myself, I can only give my burdens to God and let him help me carry them.
Thanks Ellie, this helps me refocus. I know she has been bugging him, terribly sometimes. What you've suggested in kind of the "unconditional love" approach, and frankly that's what's seemed to work best with H, so it would make sense to keep doing it. OW, on the other hand, does NOT use this approach, back in June when H had his short-lived epiphany, he talked about how she "says she loves me but there is always a big string attached"....Frankly, a few times he's come in the door from when I imagine he's been w/OW, and I've just thrown my arms open and smiled and wrapped them around him, and he just seemed to melt into them. I have the afternoon off, so I think instead of spying, I'll use it to get my head together and maybe I'll go buy myself the Tom Petty CD, and work on our bedroom. I havent gotten much done on the redecorating project the last couple of weeks.
Hi Pamila, thanks for the verse. I've started carrying a new testament in my purse and take it out and read sometimes, I find it interesting that there's always some comfort there for me. That's never failed.
I guess my scenario is that either a)there is no workshop and he's just down there spending the day with her, or b) there is one and she went to it with him...I don't know, maybe it doesnt matter....after all, he can only continue to idealize her if he doesnt have to come face to face with her very real "not so great" side, and the only way he will have to come face to face with it is to be with her. I think she puts a lot of pressure on him anymore.
I've tried to make a point of living what I told him, that I love him enough to let him go, so i have and am working really hard to stay backed off and out of it, although I'm sure my depraved rantings here wouldnt indicate that.
How are things for you? I need to check out your sitch....This weird all over the place stuff is hard to live with, isn't it?
I do like your idea that the only way of our H's discovering how icky the OW is, is by spending time with them. That helps.
I have an idea that H may soon be going back to Brazil, maybe that will apply to him too. It seemed like it was working for a while. I remember back in June my H even said that he was beginning to think of OW as a w****. I guess he forgot that part.
