Hi dfb, I know you're fight about going slow to make sure things don't backfire....and that it's important to not infantilize him or be too intrusive or "begging"....or "catering" At the same time, I fully intend to be the Red Hot Momma he can't live with out! you mentioned you wrote bf a lot and it backfired....I'm curious, what types of "writings" did you do, and how did he respond i.e., how did it backfire?
I keep my writing to H short and focused on "fun" and positive things....some times a little mushy, but I'm not comfortable with the "you're my reason for living" kind of crap, never have been, never will be. what I've been doing is about once or never more than 2x a week putting a short card or note in his lunch, something to the effect of "thinking of you and wishing you a great day", thanks for all you do, wishing for nooky, you put the spice and color in my world, looking forward to spending time with you, had a nice evening, etc....my goal is to focus on the positive and pleasant and keep that in his mind (along with me as the source of it). sometimes it's just hurriedly scribbled on notebook paper "thinking of you today".....fThe letter I'm working on is not begging or pleading, I feel like it's pretty matter of fact...in it, I talk about the fact that I've done a lot of soul searching, and come to understand some of the things that led us to where we are now and my contribution to the situation....that my "soul searching" has led me to have a different out look on many things in life, and that I can not live the way things were before, and don't intend to. It's been a really tought leeter to write, I'm still not done. I have no expectations that it will bring about a significant change in him, but I do feel the need to know that I've clearly stated my outlook on things. Just writing it out and having it in black and white will help me, even if I don't give it too him. Jury's still out on that one, I may or may not....he said once that he didnt know anything about my "soul-searching", which he doesnt, I've kept it to myself. Sometimes I think I'm too private a person and that backfires. H tends to be that way also, so we probably have a natural tendency to drift apart.....
Anyway, I'm really curious about what didn't work with the things you wrote if you feel like sharing
I do try to notice little things he needs and do them before he says anything, like the brief case
I cant help but wonder, when we were on vacation, I told him I loved him enough to let him go....a week later I told him I wanted to make sure he understood I meant that. Then I dropped it. He's still at home....talking more about plans for the future, changing jobs, etc., don't know what's going on w/OW, but I'm sure something, based on the infamous list....
So, why the heck is he still at home if she's what he wants?????????????????????
Jeez, I don't think I will ever become patient. In many ways, things are much better between us, many of my goals are met, other than OW being a permant piece history and haveing more "dates" w/H....I wish I could get a clue what else I could do to help him decide SHE'S a worthless tramp.... However, I did see the bottle of lotion in the garage is moved, which confirms my suspicion that he takes his ring off and on depending on who he's around....so, I did it, I sabotaged the lotion. Took the pump out of the bottle, emptied the pump 1/2 way, plugged the bottom with white poster tacky stuff--has no smell, will be hard to determine there's anything in there---put about 2 inches of vegetable oil in the bottle, put the lid back on and set it back exactly where he had it. Now we'll see what happens. I've also suspected he uses the bottle of lotion here in the computer room for phone sex w/the bitch....don't know but we'll find out.....I figured that one out also....I'm going to empty out most of the lotion, put white Elmers glue in the bottom, put the lotion back in the bottle with the pump, and see what happens. Do you suppose he'll develop an aversion to that kind of lotion.
It was PMS last week....wouldnt you know, S is gone to a friends yesterday, last nite and today, and I was looking forward to a "hot date" and of course my period started yesterday afternoon. I swear the devil is after me....although H and I had a good time, watched "Butterfly effect"-- interesting movie--then had some fun creative nooky anyway....this morning we went back to bed for a while after doing chores, H said right out "I don't want to do anything"....I told him ok, but after a few kisses convinced him otherwise....so I guess that's good that I can change his mind... after, I told him how much fun and how irresistableit all is to me now, and he said he wished he could have convinced me when he was younger and had more sexual stamina...I told him I knew, I was a dolt and was sorry, and could he ever except my apology, he did say sure....H is gone on his 2 --3 hourwalk now, and I did slip and ask him if he meets somebody....of course he said no......
I just wish to heck a new job would hurry up and come through....I feel in my heart that would make a huge difference in him being able to permanently get rid of her. I could sure use prayers in that department....in spite of the fact his folks found out he's looking and had a conniption about him loosing his retirement....duh......
Quote: H is gone on his 2 --3 hourwalk now, and I did slip and ask him if he meets somebody....of course he said no......
Hi Deb,
I'm still thinking that you should take these opportunities to also be "out and about" occasionally ... while your H is out on his two to three hour walk. (Gosh! That IS a long "walk" isn't it?)
There is a real balancing act that you are going to have to get going here... I'm thinking (there I go again!) that you can still be flirty, very intimate and validating to your H... but you possibly still need to step back a little and get some mystery/? in your life (at least in your H's perception)! Don't be so darned available, Deb! Have fun, let him see that in you ... but also let him see that you are getting on with your life. You need to keep developing You and "doing" for YOU!
Like I have mentioned before .. this really IS a balancing act. Your H may continue on indefinitely, if he thinks that you are going to be the same ol' reliable Deb that he has always been able to count on. My H pretty much came out and said as much as that, in a conversation about how much I had changed. You can be fun. You can be validating and intimate to your H. You can be all of those things...but you need to add more mystery and very visible changes, whereby it is appearing like you might be having "fun" without him.
Doing these types of things really does make you feel good about yourself and it will show. Also, when you are working on "you" throughout this whole ordeal ... it really does help with the patience thing. You don't feel like you are sitting around waiting for you H...'cause your NOT! You are working on making yourself the best that you can be!
I feel so frustrated still....I know you are absolutely right, TC, about not sitting around waiting on H, and I try to not do that, but it's really hard with S11 and tight finances....I'm working on my list of 100 things to do, and I think that's helped my focus....it is a fine balanceing act between leaving him to much (which he says was the problem) and being too available....
I was just over in the other building and saw the b---h OW.....I notice I feel better when I don't hide....I we actually passed each other in the hall 3 or 4 times. I swear she doesnt look like a particularly happy camper these days. I will never ever look at her in the same light again, thats for sure.... I'm struggling mightily though, H has said he has a professional workshop Friday, I would bet if he is going to a workshop, that the b---- is going with him....I wouldnt be surprised if it was a last fling of summer before her D comes back from being with her dad. I am biting the insides of my cheeks and my tongue to keep from asking H if she's going with him...I wouldnt gain a thing from asking, he would lie if she was, get mad that I asked either way, and do whatever he damn well had decided to do in the first place....grrrrrrrrrr....I sure am fighting the urge to ask though. Wouldnt you think OW would look all happy and content if things were going her way, though? Oh, I figured out, she is a bottle blonde!
I am making a huge effort to focus on my own goals even when I'm at home....I'm really working on sorting and organizing and redecorating the house, It's been let go and is kind of a mess after months of ignoring, plus S11 is one of the most un-neat people I've ever met. Yesterday afternoon, I worked on cleaning the porch and trimming overgrown shrubs, I worked until about 9 last night and just left H watching tv....he seemed content enough..... I did go over and talk for him for a few minutes at some point in the evening. I don't even remember what we talked about, but I do remember him saying "sex, sex, sex"....I said "what"...and he said "I was just teasing you".....thought that was weird....
We did ML Friday, Saturday and Sunday.....I would say either it was mutually initiated or H initiated....He said something about he couldnt believe this, it was so different (frequency) said "it's almost like when you first meet someone"....I said well, didn't you always want some hot woman after you most of the time? and he said....."well, yeah, I always thought so, it's one of those things you wish for and then you arent sure what to do".....then he made the comment "well, I don't need viagra and I'm 50 years old"??????????
I havent heard from him by email today, his schedule was off again this morning, and he seemed somewhat rushed and impatient....I just told him his lunch was on the counter and to have a good day and left...didnt make a special effort to kiss goodbye, or anything. Don't know if that's the way to handle it or not....
I am so confused. I try to look objectively at the facts, but they don't seem to clarify the situation for me much. The facts: --H grew increasingly distant, depressed and angry over a period of 2 -3 years. --H feels he tried to communicate to me how unhappy he was and I rejected him; I maintain I didnt understand --H has been involved in hot A for just over a year with a co-worker 10 years younger --H has never left home --H has said he doesnt want a divorce, that he wants M to work out --We are closer than we have been for years, not perfect but much better --Sex is better and more frequent than it has been since we were newlyweds 25 years ago --H & I express appreciation to each other and do little things for each other more than when we were first together...still not "perfect", but "better" --H seems happier, much less distant and angry and withdrawn --H has told me 1/2 dozen time the A is "over" --H and OW have many fights and arguments and are mean to each other --S11 tells me that the "tone" of his fathers voice is completely different when he hears him on the phone w/OW than it used to be (irritated, angry, "I've just about had enough of this s--t is how S describes it) --H continues to go back to OW after every break up --H talks about plans for the future in our home/R
What the heck does anybody make of this??????????????????
^^^^^^^^just bumping this last post....can anybody make anything of this?????
I left the office today at noon for a meeting and didn't get back until 3, got an email from H about 12:15, then another at 10 till three saying "where are you, I havent heard anything from you, are you gone?" I replied to that one about just after 3, havent heard anything from him, maybe he's irritated, maybe it was a tiny bit of mystery that's good for him...he told me once last winter when we had a big argument over OW that he didn't like it when I don't answer his emails??????? so, I guess we'll see....
I still find it so confusing, I know DR says to watch what they do rather than what they say....H's actions would seem to indicate that he's not going anywhere and that this damnable A is dying off (his words have said that as well) on the one hand, and yet he keeps going back to her time and time again....
hi deb - wow - once again we are in the same place with these wonderful men of ours
nothing to it but ride it out with as much aplomb as possible. i agree with tc - mystery works. i find ow now irrelevant, because his emotions are no longer there. it is a combination of pride (if i really break it off it is admitting that the whole thing was a big mistake, waste of time) guilt, and whatever else.
hang in there, and ease off the pursuit already Slowly
