hm, I was just recalling last night. H held me for a long time after ML. I always like that, sometimes he's just not "into" it but last night he was and it was nice. He made the comment that "you never used to be like this, for years, why are you now?" (meaning "hot"!!!) I said I thought I needed to get - or give myself- permission, and had just finally been able to do that .... H nodded his head thoughtfully, like that somehow made sense to him. I get the feeling that he is mulling things over in his mind, maybe about to decide that this is "real" and "lasting"....
I am still pretty convinced his scribbled list from last week was notes for discussion w/OW....this is very naughty of me, but frankly I take perverse delight -HUGE perverse delight -- in the fact that "sex" was on the list of things that needed to be improved to meet H's needs! YIPPEE!!!! I did get that one right! I'm hoping there are some others I've gotten right as well. See, Red Hot Momma is starting to come out!
last night when H and I were chatting, I was "listening between the lines" again...I know that sounds weird, but even H has mentioned many times the importance of being able to do that to his work in therapy...that you can always tell what's going on with people if you just listen because it will begin to come out in the things they say....
So anyway, he was talking about his secretary leaving....she is the epitome of the "valley girl"...everything is All about her All the time....anyway H commented "you sure wouldnt want her for a wife. I cant imagine she would ever do anything to help you out or give you any support or encouragement or even any warmth".
I took this as an interesting "word snapshot" of what H values/sees important in a marital R.....so I'm taking this to heart! Actually, I'm kind of proud of myself, because this is what I figured out 6 months or so ago, and now it's like he's telling me that I'm on target.....
I hope that's the hidden message there, anyway....I'm pretty sure he isn't getting much of any of that from OW right now, either.
OK, more shameless pursuit here, I just sent this email to H: "I just wanted to tell you I've been thinking of you and hoping you're having a good day. Actually, I've been thinking of you a lot and thinking how much I enjoy the time I get to spend with you. It really is a treasure to me. I know sometimes I can smother you, and I'm always afraid of doing that, so I pull back and probably pull back too far....I guess I'm not very good at finding the middle ground. but anyway, there truely is no place I'd rather be than with you, regardless of where that is or what's going on."
So, we shall see what happens. I don't know. I havent heard much from him today, and i'm always suspicious he's hot & heavy into emails to OW....ah well, fighting fire with fire has worked pretty well so far.
i'm trying to sift through what I've been doing and evaluate the results here....my shameless pursuit/becoming the OW tactic is still pretty new...I've been turning up the heat slowly, I don't want to suddenly smother H....I know he hates that as much as distance. If anyone has any interpretation of this stuff to share, I would sure like to hear it..... I was out of the office yesterday afternoon, when I got here this morning, I had this response from H to the email I had in my last post:
Quote: Thanks for the e-mail and thanks for the space. I appreciate both.
So, I'm not quite sure how to take this....I have really been concentrating on letting go of ANY reference to/thoughts of OW, while at the same time "turning up the heat" between H and I....not just sexual, but looking for small ways to express appreciation and let him know I'm thinking of him....I read a post Honeypot made to someone about when you love someone, you try to meet all their needs, not just the physical ones, and that is what I've been doing. I wonder if the "space" refers to not saying anything about OW??????that is still so hard. There is a great deal I want to say, none of it nice! Maybe it refers in part to backing off and leaving it up to him to deal with the situation....I've quit pressuring him about it, even though it infuriates me that he can seemingly go back on all the wonderful stuff he told me that 1st-2nd week of June.
When H got home last night, he was cheerful and talkative ( I don't know if that's best or if depressed & upset is better, because that usually means somethings up w/OW)...I helped with chores, then H went for his 2 hour walk...I planted flowers while he walked. I felt calm and was enjoying myself, found myself thinking I actually didnt care if/when he came back yesterday evening....but when he came back I sat down and ate supper with him.
Interesting side note: I had left a garbage bag outside with old flower pots and shrub trimmings in it....I picked it up to put in more stuff and put it in the dumpster, and out jumps a cat...I thought that was weird, went to get stuff to put in the bag while I left it there, and when I came back the cat had drug a kitten out of the bag....eyes not quite open...so S and I carefully cut the bag apart, and dug 4 more kittens out of the shrub trimmings. How on earth those little kittens ever survived in that black garbage bag, I will never know. It's been 110 degrees here...the bag was in the shade, but still.
Anyway, one of S's friends called and invited him to spend the night Sat., so that means H & I may have the evening to ourselves....don't know about going to out-of-town friends yet, H actually said, "the best case scenario is we would be here and have the place to ourselves, worst case would be we go to visit them" and seemed quite happy at the prospect....talked about getting a movie, that maybe I should visit the "toy store"....mentioned "just a regular movie" would be better.....he honestly seemed happy and excited at the prospect of a "just the two of us" evening....I know I am!
Also yesterday evening, H started rummaging through the cabinet where we keep "paper work", etc., I asked if I could help him find something, and he said "do I have any cover letters for my resume left? I was thinking maybe I need to send some more out to other places"....I told him they were addressed seperately, but I can easily get them off my computer if he wants them...he said "ok", then kind of sighed and said "maybe I should just wait to hear from ..."(the place he interviewed with)...In mid June h told me the biggest reason he's looking for another job is to get away from OW....so my hope is that his impatience with the process is an indication that he's feeling more and more of a need to distance himself.
this morning I had a towel on when I got out of the shower, H came through the bathroom and mentioned that S was getting up so I might want to make sure my naked body was well covered, so I walked into our bedroom, H was right behind me, and I said, "Ok, I'll just bring my naked body over here and give your non-naked self a big hug and kiss"....H actually said OK and gave me a nice, long, tender kiss....
Now this morning I've not had an email from him....I guess I'll send him a hello if I don't hear by lunch time....
I don't know for sure what to think, but it seems to me my "pursuit" is getting a positive response, certainly nothing negative, I believe H seems warmer in the last week/10 days since I started....I havent done a whole lot, just a couple of notes/cards each week, a couple of "semi-mushy" emails, verbal expressions of how much I enjoy being with him (not sexual references) and the briefcase and lawnmower and picking up stuff for his secretaries going away party.....don't want to turn the heat up too fast.....
I was thinking about H's infamous list yesterday, and it occured to me that all the things on the list would have applied to me/our R at one time, but they are pretty much the things I have been focusing my efforts on in the last what, 6 months. I feel a large amount of progress has been made in those areas.... I still feel the "list" is targeted to OW, and it really galls me to think of him addressing things that need to be improved for someone to be his "life partner" to her....after he told me it June in his great dramatic 10-day episode that he'd realized I was the one he loved and he couldnt trust her and blah, blah, blah, blah....it's like he's giving her another chance and another chance and anther chance....while I'm kind of out in the cold. I'm trying really hard to stay out of it and make it his drama, maybe that's what he means by appreciating the space I've been giving him....
Still, trying to look at it from her perspective, it would piss me off (can I say that here) to get a list like that from my married lover..... H has changed his "weekend work" schedule to Saturday mornings from Saturday afternoon, saying it conflicts less with family/church activities for us (true) but I wonder if it has something to do with sex between them????? Guess I'll have to make sure Fridays are flaming hot at home.
I finished my list of 101 things I like about H, and am about at 50 on my list of 100 things I want to do...I need to finish the letter to H and post it here!!!!
working on the letter....it may actually be a novel, but I do want to get it done.
I'm also trying to think of some "fun stuff" for potential spicy activities for Sat. night....I'm thinking about maybe a massage video and some oil????? just in case....any thoughts or other ideas?
I know dfb, I'm trying to use some restraint, and to carefully monitor how the "pursuit" is received....I have to say, he's one confusing person........
Deb - he is confusing, just go slowly. Don't drop too much on him at one time, and don't do too much! It's almost (to me) like you are catering too much to him - and I think that can really backfire a lot.
It did make me smile, though - when BF broke up with me, and we were still living together (he was supposedly thinking about whether we should stay together), I wrote him a LOT. It backfired. I asked him recently to throw out any of those letters I'd written that he still had. The one thing he said he DID want to keep was something I'd written that was 100 reasons to stay with DFB. He said I'd put so much work into it, he had been surprised and it was creative (or something like that). I said sure, keep it. It wasn't one of the emotionally drawn-out notes.
