OK all, to the serious business at hand here... thank you all for your input. I think some of it is soaking in this morning...although I did have a bit of a backslide this morning also...I guess I'll post about "current events", then process the good info here, and then discuss my new goals...nothing major or anything!
I was a mess yesterday, partly because I didnt sleep at all the night before, and didnt sleep well all weekend because of a "flare up" of some health stuff...when I was pregnant w/D eons ago, I developed DVT and every now and then I get a recurrance, although thankfully it's always been superficial since the 1st time, but it's painful and anxiety produceing. anyway, it hit Wednesday/Thursday last week, and I finally decided I'd better go to the DR. yesterday...after a doppler study, they concluded once again that it is superficial, and for the first time ever prescribed antibiotic therapy...this is incredible, but after 1 dose of antibiotic late yesterday afternoon, by this morning most of the swelling and pain is gone and I was able to sleep well last night. weird. So, I got out of the drs office late yesterday, picked up S and dropped him off at home and started to run back into town to get my prescription...H had gotten home and I didnt know it...as I got into the car to leave, he came out of the garage and said "you're leaving?" and sounded shocked????weird. He was wearing his ring...which was comforting...when I got home, he had just brought in the mail, which contained both the cell phone and regular phone bills. These drive me nuts, because H always opens them and takes out the call logs, so I know he's hiding stuff. He's been taking the regular bill and paying it for several months....I had just mailed the cell bill, so I told him "I just paid this one, and thank you for taking care of this one" laid them back down, and left them laying on the counter. H had this shocked look on his face and didnt say a word...when I came back later they were both gone. I intend to ask him to start taking care of the cell phone bill as well....it bugs the heck out of me, if he's going to keep using it in the manner it is, let him take care of it. later in the evening I colored and highlighted my hair; H asked "what, are you going blonde?" and "well can I if you are" (OW is blonde, it will be a cold day in hell before I do that!) I just ignored him....as we were going to bed he said "your hair looks nice"....this is a first ever!!!!!!!!
This morning, I did slip because I noticed that H didnt put his ring on after mowing last night, in fact he put it in the basket where it was for a year....so that made my anxiety high...I did ask "are you going to wear your ring anymore"...H said "I have been, I took it off to mow, geez" and was irritated...he's here at work w/OW today, so that increases my anxiety.... H did say "I love you" and give me a tender kiss this morning (his initiation)...I told him I was missing "nooky" and he said "well, we'll have to work on it tonight, I wanted to make sure your leg was ok"....so, I guess an ok evening/morning.
Now, processing the info you all have shared with me...I think I get it more. I don't know, I guess my mind has to get to a certain point to be able to absorb info....
From TC:
"My H had been "looking for something" for quite a few years...only I didn't get it. I didn't do anything about myself, just kept accusing H and trying to get him to see the "errors of his ways". Thus ... his "looking for something else" was replayed several times. DUH! Finally, when I found the DB book and this BB, I began to realize that quite possibly it wasn't all my H . (Gosh! How could THAT be?!!) I can remember saying to a counselor once that I just wanted things to "be right" ... of course, that would "be right" in MY perception!
What it all boils down to is, once I "let it go" ... stopped waiting for the "other shoe to drop" and really focused on bettering myself...that's when I really began seeing progress."
The first paragraph describes my sitch exactly....I wasted an awful lot of time trying to get H to see the errors of his ways....I have been able to give that up. Now I see that I am kind of stuck waiting for the other shoe to drop...I do pretty well when I am focused on the good/fun things between H & I; it's when I start focusing on the "other shoe" that I run into trouble. I believe that I will be able to do better if I can get to the point of not worrying about that other shoe. Frankly, down deep, I don't believe he's going anywhere...don't think he really wants to, in fact he's said that in more than one way more than one time. It's just the "waiting" that stretches my nerves way past the point of tolerance.
Now the next part is I need to really focus on getting on with life...I have seen tiny hints that this prospect is somewhat worrying to H....for example, his "you're leaving?" response last night.....so, I am going to take steps TODAY in that direction.... I am going to figure out the October dates we discussed briefly for a fall minivacation, and I am going to make reservations today. I will tell H i did it, and that I want him to go with me, but that if he chooses not to, that's ok, I'm going....
I'm also going to get a golf lesson scheduled within the next 3 weeks....was thinking this saturday, but we have to go to out of town friends, the next saturday, we both have to work, so that may be the date I need to look at as far as weekends.
I havent gotten my new bike because of money issues, but I have one picked out and am going to plan to get it within the next month....I would like to ride it to work somedays, I mentioned that to H this morning, who seemed shocked, said "you'd sure have to leave early, and I don't know what route you'd take, it not safe for bikes on the way we ususally go in" I told him I'd been thinking of this....of course picking up S from afterschool care makes this more complicated, and when I have to go to meetings, etc. out of the office, I wouldnt be able to ride it....but it would be great exercise and a change of pace and scenery and is something I used to do a lot when I was younger....I see no reason not to do it now....(other than it's 110 degrees here today).
So, for the next 90 days, I'm going to focus on this stuff for me, and as far as H: no mention at all of OW or anything connected to A, including his ring; I am going to work on "shameless pursuit" and see what happens....
that probably sounds weird, but I've been thinking about it, and never in my life have i been the pursuing type....I've always been more "aloof"....pursuit works well for OW, and I believe H sincerely believed I didnt care about him, so i'm going to try this as a 180 and see what happens; frankly I think that underneath his tough and slick exterior, H doesnt really have a lot of confidence and self esteem....so we shall see.
Any thoughts on these plans? ok, or something wrong I'm not seeing?
Oh, I'm also going to write the letter (finish it) to H, and am still working on my 100 things I want to do list. that is suprisingly easy!
