Quote: I just cant help but wonder if I'm deluding myself because I so much want this to work out, and in reality I'm only postponing the inevitable and intensifying the pain by doing so.
Hi Deb,
I guess I have to echo what others have said here and that this IS all a process. It is what YOU are working towards, don't forget that! I think I totally agree with Pam ... or was it Pam when she said:
Quote: I think only you can answer what you are willing to put into this and how long you are willing to give it to try.
I don't know if this is any help or not. But I don't feel I ever whole heartedly tried to db my marriage because I kept waiting for the other shoe to fall so to speak.
I think if you can get to the place when yes, you know you want it to work out, but you are also moving forward with your life that you will feel better.
I am moving forward and if this had happened a year ago I would not have been so focused and desperate feeling about the marriage and probably would have had more of a chance of saving the marriage.
I know you want answers and you are tired of the limbo. I really, really understand that, but the detaching and moving on is really a better place to be.
I don't think anyone can tell you how to get there and stay there, it just has to be a goal you aim for and work towards.
I think that Pam has some really excellent points here. In explaining how "things" went ... for me she just seems to be "right on".
My H had been "looking for something" for quite a few years...only I didn't get it. I didn't do anything about myself, just kept accusing H and trying to get him to see the "errors of his ways". Thus ... his "looking for something else" was replayed several times. DUH! Finally, when I found the DB book and this BB, I began to realize that quite possibly it wasn't all my H . (Gosh! How could THAT be?!!) I can remember saying to a counselor once that I just wanted things to "be right" ... of course, that would "be right" in MY perception!
What it all boils down to is, once I "let it go" ... stopped waiting for the "other shoe to drop" and really focused on bettering myself...that's when I really began seeing progress.
As mentioned above though, it is a process. It takes time for you to "see" and understand. There will be a point and time (if you make the decision to continue to tough it out until the end) that you will need to take control of those emotions and not let them control you any longer. You set YOUR goals and constantly work towards them. You will be amazed at the progress you will continue to make.
Don't watch and weigh everything your H is doing so closely. Work harder on getting yourself involved in other "things"/improving yourself. (Which you do appear to be doing.) After a while you're new "attitude" will speak for itself and more than likely "intrigue" your H. You need to do this (at least initially) with the focus on YOU though.
You are strong Deb and definitely seem to be moving in the right direction...
when she said:
