I am really down and discouraged this morning....I'm wondering why I keep letting myself go through this pain, when frankly I'm having a hard time seeing that I've made much progress....I didn't sleep much last night and don't feel well, still have a stomach upset and feel achy, so maybe that's part of it. It just seems like this mess gones on and on inspite of my best efforts. yesterday afternoon, I took S & friends for pizza, H didnt want to go of course. The boys had stayed up all night and were really draggy and beginning to be hard on the nerves....While S & friends were doing some activities, I ran to Sears to pick up a new push mower for H, and there in the parking lot close to the door was OW's car...I didn't go in, just wasnt up to handling it...took the boys home and told H I would have to go back to the store, that I hadnt been able to go. He asked why, and I said "because the poor woman from Lindsborg was there"....H said "at sears? and sounded surprised...So, later went back and got the mower for H....we were so busy ysterday with "chores" that we never got a minute for anything which really is not good. H had his wedding ring off and as far as I know had it off still this morning....yesterday he was talking about going to another workshop on Friday?????? and it was all I could do all night and this morning to keep from asking if OW was going with him....I managed not to say a word, but I'm sure that's part of why I'm feeling down. This morning I hugged H and told him I was feeling insecure...he did say "well don't" and asked if it was because we'd had such a busy weekend...I said probably part of it was, and he said I would be feeling insecure alot if thats what caused it (true, unfortunately, of course if he hadnt been fooling around with another woman for over a year, I'd probably feel a whole lot less insecure regardless). I said I believe that is part of what got us into "the pit" before, and H said "we never saw each other regardless of being busy or not before"....so I don't know, not much of an exchange, I left with out any good byes or ILY's....just left....
I guess something that I did that came out well was that last week I noticed that one of the handles on his brief case was about to fall apart...so Friday when I was birthday shopping, I saw a leather one marked down to $40 from $120, so I picked it up for him....well as it turns out the handle on his old one broke on Thursday so the timing was perfect...I wrote a note that said "just a way to thank you for all the hard work you've done to keep us afloat over the years", taped it to it, and had S take it up and put it by H's pillow....S was so excited, he wanted to know if he could take his dad to find it...S said H's face kind of "lit up" when he found it....H thanked me for it several times, said he really liked it, thanked me for it again this morning....so I guess when he puts her notes in his brief case, now he'll have to remember who got it for him....

Well, I just got an email from H, saying he got to out-of town office, and doesnt have the workshop until a week from friday, and apologizing for being so cranky yesterday (he was a bear)...that helps me feel a tiny bit better.

Just before we went to sleep last night, I told H he was my treasure, my hunk and my hero and that I loved him, and he murmured "thanks", so I guess that was a positive response...sometime in the middled of the night with my tossings and turnings, H asked if he could get me anything...I think that's the first time EVER he's done that, come to think of it...and also sometime in the middle of the night, he went down and got a cold can of soda (weird, I know) brought part of it to me and asked if I would like it, said "sometimes something like this helps me"....so I guess maybe I should note that as a positive effort on his part...on his own he went and got and offered me something that he finds helpful...frankly I think that's another first.....

boy, I don't know, we must have some kind of flu bug or something we are sharing...neither H nor I feel very well today....

been around awhile!