Hi all, just have minute to post here....thought I'd jump on...H is out walking, thought he'd be gone about 2 hours...I don't know, guess I won't worry about it...it is something he did before the A....
this weekend is still odd....no "nooky", darn it, but maybe tonight....H has complained of an upset stomach, and actually I've had one also, so maybe we are sharing a bug. Friday we refinanced our house, which came out ok...H was cheerful about doing it, no complaints at all, and he reupped for another 25 years on the mortgage, for what ever that's worth...
Yesterday was S's birthday....we celebrated in H's hometown with his family, which includes cousins, and some of S's friends that we took with us....H made the comment that he would be home from "work" early to help with "getting the boys" and to "participate in the activities" unless I needed to go earlier or "don't want him involved"? how weird....I don't know why he would think such a think...I told him we all wanted him, and his schedule would work fine -- If he wanted to be involved....he said yes, he did, then added there have been some years when he didn't want to be....
So, we had a pretty good time, and H mentioned several times that "it was good". This morning, H did chores himself, and then came back to bed for a little while just to snuggle...we talked, and I said something about hard to believe S is 12....H said "our little boy is growing up too fast...almost a teen, and he thinks its sad the innocent years where he can have a great time doing simple things with friends are coming to an end....Said our little girl was so grown and gone she's married now, and I swear H was almost crying, his face got that dark red tone and his voice was all choked...I think I saw a tear or 2...He commented it meant we were getting old, and said "lifes almost over ...I said I thought there were lots of good things to come, he said he didnt know....
He seems really down in the dumps today, I think I heard him choke back a sob when we were snuggled.

He said "maybe there's hope for next weekend", I think meaning more time for ML, then remembered we are supposed to visit some out-of- town friends for a barbeque (which will be good, havent seen them for a year)...and I said I thought I'd hire someone to stay w/S, and H seemed to find that appealing.

Before he left on his walk this morning, I was still upstairs, and H made a point of coming back upstairs to give me a good bye kiss and hug and tell me he was going...I told him ILY, and he responded....

I've been pondering the best way to interact w/H....so, last night, I asked him "would you say I'm more of a pursuing type person or a distant person" and he said "now or before? now I guess I'd say more pursuing" I said but how about over the time we've known each other as a whole? and he said "more distant"... wanted to know why I asked, told him I was just curious, but this kind of reaffirms what I've been thinking, that H's perception of distance is what led in large part to our problems, and a big part of my 180's has been to become more demonstrative and pursuing....i've thought that's what was working, and I believe this confirms it....I'm thinking maybe I'll keep turning the heat up very slowly and see what happens.

I did forget to post another item from H's infamous list....#4 is Apology: see your part, accetp, improve. This makes me think it would be ok to give him the letter I've worked on in spurts and still not finished....one of the things I've written is that I can understand how my distance didn't meet his emotional needs, and describe what I see those needs as being....

I did comment to S that I had found the list, that it seemed to be things that needed to be improved, didnt know if it was for me or her, but that I was sure tired of the whole thing....S said "well mom, If I was a lady and got a list like that it would make me furious"....I made the comment that this thing just seems to take forever to die, and S said he's not surprised....I asked what he meant,that it was a pretty hot and heavy deal before I found out, and the poor kid just looked at me with big eyes and nodded his head....he said "it seemed to start dying off as soon as you found out, though. not sure what to think of all that....I did say "did you think I had a chance of pulling it out when you told me" and S said "I thought it was about50/50....interesting comment.
I know H was about out the door, so it must irritate the crap out of OW that he's even still here, not to mention "more here" in many ways than he was before.....

sigh, just so confusing and tiring a mess....my goal is to just keep on being warm, friendly, loving, happy, and not to say a word about anything R related, other than kids, family, friends, etc.
gotta go get lunch ready....talk to you all later. Thanks for keeping my sane and on track (mostly, anyway )

been around awhile!