Red Hot Momma's Still Morphing and Questioning

[totallyconfused]

This really IS crazymaking!! What do you think about adopting the perspective that maybe he is looking at both of his "current situations"? ...analyzing and questioning? I'm thinking that if you don't want to go absolutely crazy ... that it may be be best that you "look" at all of his notes this way. Probably this is not the perspective you want to "hear", but how about adopting the attitude that your getting a "heads up" on what H is looking for. Of course we know that you are the one that is winning out...your H is with YOU, isn't he??

So ... now if you do "adopt" this attitude, you need to continue to morph into the DB queen! Just keep following the same road you have been. Shall we gather all around and put our DB morphing "rings" together for you? We will help keep you strong! YOU will win!!

Keep trying different things. If you get a negative/ornery response throw that out. As far as the intimate side ... I'm trying to think of how I can put this "delicately" . Hmmmm, I guess, just say it, huh? See if "asking" what he likes during the throes of passion might produce a little better response. They seem to throw all of their "attitudes" out the window for a few minutes during that time. (Again, just an idea.) Also keep adding new things to your new "lingerie wardrobe". I think that most men do like surprises like that! As you experiment with different things ( in all areas ), you WILL know what he likes/dislikes by his responses. Maybe try to stay away from trying to ask too many questions. Even if it's just 'cause you're trying to be nice and "know" what he likes, they still SOMEHOW perceive those questions as "pressure".

...Just a few things that I felt worked for me ..

[honeypot]

Deb,
I totally agree with Debra. As I was reading it, I was picturing the entire time that they were notes to himSELF.

As if he was saying to himself, Why should Deb accept 50 cents for the dollar she is putting into me? etc.

It is pretty jumbled up so it was hard to tell. In the meantime, it might be best to proceed from that angle and act as if those notes were to himself on how to patch up his marriage.

Incidentally, when you posted earlier about him not wanting to go on his walks that was my very first thought--he is trying to make a break with OW. Those walks either included her in some fashion or he has come to mentally connect them with her. Either way, he wants a break from it to regroup and figure out where to go. I think he is at a major crossroads and you have a lot of power right now in assisting him in his journey to do the right thing.

Keep on keepin' on, Red! You are doing great.

Now, get on out there and have a repeat of last weekend and make me jealous.

Love,
Honey

[debcb]

Hi all, just have minute to post here....thought I'd jump on...H is out walking, thought he'd be gone about 2 hours...I don't know, guess I won't worry about it...it is something he did before the A....
this weekend is still odd....no "nooky", darn it, but maybe tonight....H has complained of an upset stomach, and actually I've had one also, so maybe we are sharing a bug. Friday we refinanced our house, which came out ok...H was cheerful about doing it, no complaints at all, and he reupped for another 25 years on the mortgage, for what ever that's worth...
Yesterday was S's birthday....we celebrated in H's hometown with his family, which includes cousins, and some of S's friends that we took with us....H made the comment that he would be home from "work" early to help with "getting the boys" and to "participate in the activities" unless I needed to go earlier or "don't want him involved"? how weird....I don't know why he would think such a think...I told him we all wanted him, and his schedule would work fine -- If he wanted to be involved....he said yes, he did, then added there have been some years when he didn't want to be....
So, we had a pretty good time, and H mentioned several times that "it was good". This morning, H did chores himself, and then came back to bed for a little while just to snuggle...we talked, and I said something about hard to believe S is 12....H said "our little boy is growing up too fast...almost a teen, and he thinks its sad the innocent years where he can have a great time doing simple things with friends are coming to an end....Said our little girl was so grown and gone she's married now, and I swear H was almost crying, his face got that dark red tone and his voice was all choked...I think I saw a tear or 2...He commented it meant we were getting old, and said "lifes almost over ...I said I thought there were lots of good things to come, he said he didnt know....
He seems really down in the dumps today, I think I heard him choke back a sob when we were snuggled.

He said "maybe there's hope for next weekend", I think meaning more time for ML, then remembered we are supposed to visit some out-of- town friends for a barbeque (which will be good, havent seen them for a year)...and I said I thought I'd hire someone to stay w/S, and H seemed to find that appealing.

Before he left on his walk this morning, I was still upstairs, and H made a point of coming back upstairs to give me a good bye kiss and hug and tell me he was going...I told him ILY, and he responded....

I've been pondering the best way to interact w/H....so, last night, I asked him "would you say I'm more of a pursuing type person or a distant person" and he said "now or before? now I guess I'd say more pursuing" I said but how about over the time we've known each other as a whole? and he said "more distant"... wanted to know why I asked, told him I was just curious, but this kind of reaffirms what I've been thinking, that H's perception of distance is what led in large part to our problems, and a big part of my 180's has been to become more demonstrative and pursuing....i've thought that's what was working, and I believe this confirms it....I'm thinking maybe I'll keep turning the heat up very slowly and see what happens.

I did forget to post another item from H's infamous list....#4 is Apology: see your part, accetp, improve. This makes me think it would be ok to give him the letter I've worked on in spurts and still not finished....one of the things I've written is that I can understand how my distance didn't meet his emotional needs, and describe what I see those needs as being....

I did comment to S that I had found the list, that it seemed to be things that needed to be improved, didnt know if it was for me or her, but that I was sure tired of the whole thing....S said "well mom, If I was a lady and got a list like that it would make me furious"....I made the comment that this thing just seems to take forever to die, and S said he's not surprised....I asked what he meant,that it was a pretty hot and heavy deal before I found out, and the poor kid just looked at me with big eyes and nodded his head....he said "it seemed to start dying off as soon as you found out, though. not sure what to think of all that....I did say "did you think I had a chance of pulling it out when you told me" and S said "I thought it was about50/50....interesting comment.
I know H was about out the door, so it must irritate the crap out of OW that he's even still here, not to mention "more here" in many ways than he was before.....

sigh, just so confusing and tiring a mess....my goal is to just keep on being warm, friendly, loving, happy, and not to say a word about anything R related, other than kids, family, friends, etc.
gotta go get lunch ready....talk to you all later. Thanks for keeping my sane and on track (mostly, anyway )

[debcb]

I am really down and discouraged this morning....I'm wondering why I keep letting myself go through this pain, when frankly I'm having a hard time seeing that I've made much progress....I didn't sleep much last night and don't feel well, still have a stomach upset and feel achy, so maybe that's part of it. It just seems like this mess gones on and on inspite of my best efforts. yesterday afternoon, I took S & friends for pizza, H didnt want to go of course. The boys had stayed up all night and were really draggy and beginning to be hard on the nerves....While S & friends were doing some activities, I ran to Sears to pick up a new push mower for H, and there in the parking lot close to the door was OW's car...I didn't go in, just wasnt up to handling it...took the boys home and told H I would have to go back to the store, that I hadnt been able to go. He asked why, and I said "because the poor woman from Lindsborg was there"....H said "at sears? and sounded surprised...So, later went back and got the mower for H....we were so busy ysterday with "chores" that we never got a minute for anything which really is not good. H had his wedding ring off and as far as I know had it off still this morning....yesterday he was talking about going to another workshop on Friday?????? and it was all I could do all night and this morning to keep from asking if OW was going with him....I managed not to say a word, but I'm sure that's part of why I'm feeling down. This morning I hugged H and told him I was feeling insecure...he did say "well don't" and asked if it was because we'd had such a busy weekend...I said probably part of it was, and he said I would be feeling insecure alot if thats what caused it (true, unfortunately, of course if he hadnt been fooling around with another woman for over a year, I'd probably feel a whole lot less insecure regardless). I said I believe that is part of what got us into "the pit" before, and H said "we never saw each other regardless of being busy or not before"....so I don't know, not much of an exchange, I left with out any good byes or ILY's....just left....
I guess something that I did that came out well was that last week I noticed that one of the handles on his brief case was about to fall apart...so Friday when I was birthday shopping, I saw a leather one marked down to $40 from $120, so I picked it up for him....well as it turns out the handle on his old one broke on Thursday so the timing was perfect...I wrote a note that said "just a way to thank you for all the hard work you've done to keep us afloat over the years", taped it to it, and had S take it up and put it by H's pillow....S was so excited, he wanted to know if he could take his dad to find it...S said H's face kind of "lit up" when he found it....H thanked me for it several times, said he really liked it, thanked me for it again this morning....so I guess when he puts her notes in his brief case, now he'll have to remember who got it for him....

Well, I just got an email from H, saying he got to out-of town office, and doesnt have the workshop until a week from friday, and apologizing for being so cranky yesterday (he was a bear)...that helps me feel a tiny bit better.

Just before we went to sleep last night, I told H he was my treasure, my hunk and my hero and that I loved him, and he murmured "thanks", so I guess that was a positive response...sometime in the middled of the night with my tossings and turnings, H asked if he could get me anything...I think that's the first time EVER he's done that, come to think of it...and also sometime in the middle of the night, he went down and got a cold can of soda (weird, I know) brought part of it to me and asked if I would like it, said "sometimes something like this helps me"....so I guess maybe I should note that as a positive effort on his part...on his own he went and got and offered me something that he finds helpful...frankly I think that's another first.....

boy, I don't know, we must have some kind of flu bug or something we are sharing...neither H nor I feel very well today....

[psluke]

PMS???

Ok, I am going to jump in and say I think if you want to work on this and not be miserable then focus on the positives.

I am saying this from experience. I spent a miserable 2 1/2 years. It doesn't help at all.

You know you will be all right if you guys don't make it, but I think you are making progress. Slowlee Slowlee catchee Monkie as PIB says.

So I am discovering my self talk is a killer unless I monitor it and keep on top of it.

So today tell yourself: "You are alert, You are Alive, and You Feel GREAT!"

[debcb]

Hi Pam, It could be PMS, I need to check the calendar. Of course last time my cycle was over 2 1/2 months, so who knows...bleh!

I know you are right about needing to focus on the positives. Absolutely right. sometimes I just cant help but wonder if I'm deluding myself because I so much want this to work out, and in reality I'm only postponing the inevitable and intensifying the pain by doing so. I used to have to give myself injections, and one thing I learned was that you want to do that quickly, because the pain is much less that way. For some reason that thought keeps entering my mind today.

Then this cautious little voice says slow down, he wouldn't be doing the things he is if he was leaving...and progress has been made over the last year....

I really don't know, maybe it is just prolonging the inevitable.

[debcb]

H's damnable affair has been going on for a little over a year now. Does anyone ever make it through (stay married) an A that lasts that long?

H has been telling me it's "dying off", "in it's death throes" for 6 months now....Is it unusual for it to take this long?

"They" have broken up at least 1x/month since December....when people in affairs start to fight like that, does it ususally end?

[psluke]

I just cant help but wonder if I'm deluding myself because I so much want this to work out, and in reality I'm only postponing the inevitable and intensifying the pain by doing so.

Hi Deb,

I think only you can answer what you are willing to put into this and how long you are willing to give it to try.

I don't know if this is any help or not. But I don't feel I ever whole heartedly tried to db my marriage because I kept waiting for the other shoe to fall so to speak.

I think if you can get to the place when yes, you know you want it to work out, but you are also moving forward with your life that you will feel better.

I am moving forward and if this had happened a year ago I would not have been so focused and desperate feeling about the marriage and probably would have had more of a chance of saving the marriage.

As far as how long on the affair I am not sure there are statistics as we are all different.

I know you want answers and you are tired of the limbo. I really, really understand that, but the detaching and moving on is really a better place to be.

{{{Deb}}}

I took some advil and had a chocolate candy bar this afternoon! My version of chocolate coated Advil.

[debcb]

hi Pam, I know you are right about the detaching and moving on being a better place to be...it seems like I get to that place for a short time and then I fall out of it....mostly because my heart gets softened by something nice H does, or when we have a good time together...then it's like I have to start all over again. I guess the secret is to always have low/no expectations, but I've not gotten the knack of that.

[psluke]

I understand as that is what I did and do once in awhile still. At least sometimes I am more detached from the regrets.

I don't think anyone can tell you how to get there and stay there, it just has to be a goal you aim for and work towards.

Have a good evening.

I am doing dinner and probably a margarita!