The miracle is this....

[sage]

Those of you who know my "story" know that OW was a "friend"...started out as a "one of the guys" that hung around with h (from work) and then became part of the group we occasionally socialized with ("the guys" from work and their spouses). I had had a 'bad feeling' about ow pretty early on and had recalled an email exchange with h about it. I have to admit that I spent more than a bit of time in the last year looking for that e-mail exchange in my outbox and could never find it. Yesterday, I was looking for something work related and lo and behold, there it was. It was the oddest thing because I swear, it appeared out of nowhere.

Anyway that sent me down the unpleasant rathole of looking before and after the initial conversation -- trying to reconstruct what the hell was going on. I dunno...looking for lamea$$ clues, putting the puzzle pieces together of something that doesn't even have a regular shape.

From what my email tells me, the initial exchange happened 3/6/02. Shortly after that, ow invited herself (and her husband) to a social event that we were planning...that was the first time she had been included. In june I remember seeing the h and ow together and KNOWING that something was going on, confronted h, got stonewalled. The unease carried on until 11/1/02 aka dday (when I found proof of the EA).

I had remembered HAVING the email exchange and some of the content (him telling me that it was my insecurity and paranoia, his anger) but what I hadn't remembered was this that I wrote:

But -- it's the above paragraph (overall confusion) combined with the stuff
> that is "all about me" -- Not feeling well connected to you, feeling guilty
> about school and work load, not feeling particularly chosen or
> acknowledged, missing a level of intimacy lately, etc. I'm vacillating
> between just wanting to be closer and more connected to you (since there
> feels as though there's a distance lately) and feeling like an [censored] for
> that (you make it all about you, etc). Unfortunately, I'm dramatically
> reminded of the "pre-counseling" days when it seemed as though my seeking
> out more connection just pissed you off.

My email outbox also tells the tale that we were fighting a lot around that time, that $ issues were present, that h had been recently diagnosed with a chronic illness, that he was having a tough time at work, but that we were going out together (movies, dinner) and having at least some level of e-mail exchange (tho' absent the ILY's of today...)

or or

I'm all over the map emotionally on this one...

On the one hand, I feel sad as hell. The express train trip I took back to THAT TIME just makes me sad...for me mostly (hey, what can I say?) but also for h, too.

There's another part of me that surprisingly just isn't reacting...it's like I'm feeling "ok, interesting piece of data but wasn't that eons ago? why are you gonna start dwelling on it now?"

And the other part of me (hey, I'm a Gemini! I'm mult-faceted) is suprisingly, well, pleased...that my insights were dead-on...that the signs were there...Yah, I tried to TALK thru them with h (obviously didn't work) but I could feel the lack of intimacy and connection...and know now SO MUCH more about how to keep that alive, what works, what doesn't...

I really, really wish that I could talk with h about this e-mail and use it as a springboard for a deeper understanding...sounds lame but I don't even know how to do that.

Anyway...here's my cainercast for the day...perhaps telling me to reconsider:

THERE'S a seemingly easy way to sort out your current difficulty. All you need is one specific resource. The only trouble is, it is not a resource that you seem to have access to. So, you feel frustrated. You can see no further than your need - and your desire to meet it by hook or by crook. You really must, though, force yourself to see further than that. There's another, less obvious way to get round your problem. It calls for more effort and ingenuity - but it offers one great advantage. Ultimately, 'plan B' is a lot more feasible.


************
Positives from yesterday:

1. h sent me an email of a restaurant he wants to try -- I love it when he suggests new places!

2. h surprised me by buying some sports related items -- fun things for us to use together to talk/interact more about baseball and football -- I really love how much fun we have together!!! (He was funny -- he asked me if I wished he had brought home something about fabric or cooking )

3. we had dinner with his parents and then had to go to a wake. I was more quiet than usual I think but h didn't absorb that and get down himself...instead he was very loving and affectionate.

Sage