Quote: anyway, I made some validating response but h clearly got it because in a few minutes he said .... "look....the house is completely distinct from us...there's no ultimatum here...or suggestion that we have to move or I'll leave you forever...we're just working on this together".
wow! what did you say to him? I think (ASSumption) that my H would have held on to this until we had a huge blow-up about it. It's so refreshing to see that your H, too, has worked so hard and has come a long way.
I told him that I really appreciated him saying that, that I needed to hear it and that it helps me a lot to understand what level/priority/extreme his frustration is at. I think that's what led to our discussion about communication -- h's statements on us bringing ASSumptions to the table (and how we should test them with each other) and my statements to him that sometimes I feel like I'm not paying enough attention/"hearing" what he's saying, is important to him.
I get so distracted and caught up in other things that if it's not prefaced with "look, this is really important" I think I miss it!
Why IS that? I don't think that happens with other people as much as it happens with h -- I guess I'm still "doing" other things while talking with him? If not actually "doing" something then "thinking" something while he's talking?
Quote: Hope you have a good first-night-of school!
Thanks. It was good. I'm taking "Entrepreneurship" which is the area that the school is best known for. The teacher seems good. I got on a project team that seems positive, too (that's always a biggie for me). Also, I'm only taking one class this semester so I think the work load will be manageable.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
1. I got a bunch of praise from my boss yesterday for the dual role I had been playing. I e-mailed about it to h and he sent me the cutest invitation to a celebration dinner.
2. When I got home from school h had done a ton of cleaning up in the kitchen. Lately I've been the one doing the dishes, laundry, litter boxes most often. it hasn't been like "pre-bomb" when I would have been angry about that...but two nights ago h said "please, leave the dishes in the sink in the morning and I'll do them at night" -- letting me know that he DOES want to help out...I've just been pre-empting him by getting to stuff first. REMINDER to SELF -- LET h have the opportunity to do things!
3. h told me that he didn't like a particular kind of soup I had bought him. Don't know if this makes sense to anyone but me but having him TELL me how he FEELS about something (particularly if it's negative) is AWESOME!
Sage
PS Ms. Pam -- where is your new thread??? hint, hint
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quote: "look....the house is completely distinct from us...there's no ultimatum here...or suggestion that we have to move or I'll leave you forever...we're just working on this together". I told him that I really appreciated him saying that, that I needed to hear it and that it helps me a lot to understand what level/priority/extreme his frustration is at.
What an excellent example of not taking things personally. This is great Sage! I think my initial reaction would have been to take this personally, or get angry that HE was taking personally and therefore react that way. This is good...gotta remember it!
Quote: get so distracted and caught up in other things that if it's not prefaced with "look, this is really important" I think I miss it!
Why IS that? I don't think that happens with other people as much as it happens with h -- I guess I'm still "doing" other things while talking with him? If not actually "doing" something then "thinking" something while he's talking?
Same here. I dont' hear becuase I spend most of my time thinking/qualifying/ASSuming/analyzing...and I miss what H is saying. I even do this with others as well. I really need to learn how to listen.
Something else I do is to try and steer the conversation away from something unpleasant.
-With H: I want to stay far away from R talks and at the same time I can't help wanting to KNOW. I think I miss opportunities to listen and validate. -With others: I get uncomfortable and not ask follow-up questions...or almost go the other way. I dont' want the other person to think I'm nosy or crossing some line so I don't ask. I also worry about appearing non-caring.
Hi Sage - I too am excited about one of your positives - it is an inspiration for where NG and I have to get to !
Quote: 3. h told me that he didn't like a particular kind of soup I had bought him. Don't know if this makes sense to anyone but me but having him TELL me how he FEELS about something (particularly if it's negative) is AWESOME!
Something else I do is to try and steer the conversation away from something unpleasant.
-With H: I want to stay far away from R talks and at the same time I can't help wanting to KNOW. I think I miss opportunities to listen and validate. -With others: I get uncomfortable and not ask follow-up questions...or almost go the other way. I dont' want the other person to think I'm nosy or crossing some line so I don't ask. I also worry about appearing non-caring.
It's so hard to find the balance, no?
what I've found really helps me is simply slowing down..realizing that I don't have to react or respond instantaneously...it gives me the opportunity to really listen more and to communicate my thoughts! The added benefit has been that by slowing down I am much better matched with h's conversational pace and he talk A LOT more!!!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Slowly -- I'm so glad you "got" my positive! I'm always psyeched when h offers up a critical opinion or disagrees with me! I figure if he can't tell me he's unhappy with the soup, how will he tell me he's unhappy with something in our M?
************ Positives from yesterday:
1. I called h after he left me a message yesterday afternoon. He was kind of strange (maybe busy?) when I got him...the positive was that I didn't personalize it AND he called back in a few minutes to tell me "ILY"
2. We made dinner together and had a cozy night hanging out on the couch.
3. I mentioned to h that I wanted to try to cut my spending for the next few months to build up a $ reserve for xmas presents and a trip to NYC. He said "Let's track our expenses!" which is something I've proposed (and we've done) in the past when things seem to be amok. It's AWESOME that he suggested it. It helps me to see him as concerned/responsible for the $ side of our m and it alleviates the "need" for me to suggest it (or not suggest it and worry about it instead!)
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
P.S. I totally get the soup thing. CJ is BAD for not revealing his feelings...duh!!! (oh, man, understatement of the year!)...I KNOW there are certain dishes I make that he doesn't care for in particular (How do I know? When it's just THAT dish he leaves half of, and no others)...but he won't admit it.
I, like you, just wish he WOULD...I wouldn't take it personally (not the Shiny of 2 years anyway ), and it bothers me that if he can hide little things.....
Don't know if this makes sense to anyone but me but having him TELL me how he FEELS about something (particularly if it's negative) is AWESOME!
I really need to learn how to listen. 
