Whew! What a crazy work day this has been! Finally have a moment to post..

First off, thanks to you all for the visits and support..PIB, Ellie, Minnie, Pamila ( ) I really appreciate knowing you guys are out there and "get" where I'm at.

Soon after I posted my "friend" stopped by to see if we could do lunch this week...I was quick to say "no" but have to be honest with myself -- I'll likely have to have a pointed conversation with him if only to clear up any misperceptions he may be living under -- it's also self-preservation because it's making me feel crazy!

On a more positive note...I went out to lunch with the guy who usually drives me MOST crazy here (I've mentioned him before) -- it was at his request and I think it actually went pretty well...this is one of these sitch's where some good DB'ing (as many of you have suggested!) could go a long way.

Now..as to home...had a great night with h last night. He was very excited and loving and positive when I got home last night. We had a casual evening -- pizza and the ballgame and snuggling on the couch! We're meeting tonight to have a quick dinner and to go to see a movie so I'm looking forward to that.

****************
Ellie, I want to thank you for your post. It's funny, I had thought yesterday about e-mailing you and asking for your opinion and then I come to my thread and there it is! WOW! I think I willed it

I really appreciate your insights and observations about my sitch...and as you know, I have been stuck on more than one occasion about the "fact" that we haven't really "processed" the EA...least in a way that I feel I understand...and I can (obviously, completely, wholeheartedly) understand and agree that that represents an added risk associated with having a child (and all that having a wee one entails!).

Your validation of my concerns and fears was very liberating for me...something about hearing "yah, it's scary" felt really rejuvenating! I think I was so mired in the muck and fear and worry that your extending your thoughts felt like a hand-up out of it....so thanks a whole heap for that.

The way that it rejuvenated me is to focus me on my DB'ing even more...and to focus on the things I can control and to get me to think about how to encourage more openness and communication with h. It also helped me to realize that my regression to "old behaviors" may have been alarming and scary for h, too...IOW, the stress of having a child puts ME at risk for regressing too, no?

So, a couple of plans of action...first off, to rejuvenate my KLA thread and my re-reading of DR to get some goals into place...secondly to finally finish my "review" of my prior threads (at this rate I'll never catch up!) so that I can post my "lessons learned" -- the truth is that DB'ing have helped evoke so many changes in myself and in h...it can and will be a useful tool for life...I know that.

So...goals will be centered around a few areas:

-- addressing how to stem my regression to negative behaviors when I get stressed, tired, fearful, worried, etc.

Particular behaviors: criticism, ASSumption, expectation, rampant pessimism, rumination, etc

-- improving how I communicate to h my thoughts, fears, needs, etc such that...

-- h's communication to ME re his thoughts, fears, needs, etc is "clearer" with an overarching goal of...

-- understanding better how to make different choices (BOTH of US) in order to AVOID the "pre-bomb" state or worst case, break the negative cycle if we get into it...

So...kind of a parallel approach to addressing the negatives through communication (!!) and stopping the negative cycles way before they downspiral.

SO...to that end...I teed up a bit of a conversation with h last night...let him know that I was having some significant concerns likely triggered by our baby conversation plus our seeing of the movie "Before Sunset". We talked briefly about how I wanted to discuss how NOT to get into negative behaviors (both my "pain relief of choice" and his). It was just a "teeing up" of the conversation...I expect that we will discuss more fully in little chunks over the next few...um...months? He seemed very open to the discussion and not at all defensive.

One thing that devastated my m. pre-bomb was my fear based belief that WE weren't gonna "make it" (due to lots of things but notably my mom's stance on marriage and men in general)...well, we ARE going to make it...and we are going to do GOOD!

Sage

Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.