The miracle is this....

[sage]

Have been having a rough couple of days...haven't felt like posting (or figured out what to post!) so Ms. Pam has been helping me out over e-mail getting my head screwed on straight!

I've been feeling down "inside" for the last few days and have been outwardly "bristly" to h -- over the weekend I was CONVINCED that he was being crabby! But it finally occurred to me yesterday that what was happening was going on in my own mind and attitude and interactions with him. That's not to say that he couldn't have broken the cycle, he could have or not fed into it, but the simple truth is that I've been out of sorts and letting it feed into how I interact with him.

What I also realized yesterday (with Pam's help!) was that I had reverted to pre-DB'ing behaviors -- it was actually amazingly strange and subtle how this came about -- I'm not talking about the outward behaviors that I've worked so hard to change (the way I speak with h, my failure to appreciate him, my impatience, etc) -- it was so much more about what was going on INSIDE and how that manifested itself OUTSIDE. The sad and very scary part was that I could SEE (when I broke myself out of it) how much I think I was sleepwalking pre-bomb days and how I had myself CONVINCED that it was ALL ABOUT HIM. Harumph.

So, what happened?

Something happened at work on Thursday that made me nervous and then made me mad. Without going into detail, a married guy here has made some pretty pointed overtures towards me. this is someone I considered a friend and certainly a professional...but over the course of an afternoon I would say that he lapsed into unprofessional behavior -- it was SO SUBTLE that I was left scratching my head...and actually failed to nip it in the bud pointedly -- was left really, really confused.

Just to be clear -- nothing happened!! and it was primarily that this person made some leading comments and seem to walk away with an impression that I was interested in some sort of clandestine interaction -- I can't really explain it because it was so weird -- but I'm sitting there chatting about h and how hard he's working at school and how happy we are and this guy appears to be trying to figure out how to get into my....

But what it ended up bringing up for me is how I immediately was uncomfortable when someone seemed to be making an overture towards me...and how CLEARLY, h had not shared that "sixth sense" when things started traipsing over the line...(stupid, stupid cheeseless tunnel...the sitchs are world's apart -- I know that) -- and in some way it freaked me out thinking -- how miserable must h have been to NOT have been freaked out by OW?? (also, not saying that she pursued HIM like this guy is doing...)

Anyway, the whole thing left me with this undercurrent of sadness and fear and blech.

Then, h and I had a series of short "baby talks" (should we? shouldn't we? now? when?) and that's when I lapsed into some pre-bomb behavior -- the kind that you wouldn't "see" if you were watching...it's the FEAR based behavior -- the one that leads to "what if" ruminations of doom (the "how would we handle this" quickly lapsing into "this'll never work") -- it's the behavior that's hallmarked by pessimism but that gets cloaked in the respectable mantle of "practicality" and "being thoughtful" and "being prepared".

I guess it's the n-th degree EXTREME of my logical, practical, well-prepared nature...and it looks pessimistic and judgemental and critical and dour.

And while it's going on in my head it's unpleasant enough...but it also manifests itself in a doom and gloom persona, lots of impatience and criticality, and downright confusing behavior for me and for h.

So...after feeling out of sorts for a few days I could finally see what's happening and sort of broke myself out of it.

arrgh. Just got interrupted and completely lost my train of thought!

I know I'm babbling and I'm not sure I'm making any sense...the fundamental "thing" is that because of FEAR and ASSumption and expectation I've been behaving in a pessimistic and confused and critical and blech way and that has definitely taken it's toll for the last few days on US. And it's been good to see it and break out of it but scary about how entrenched it was and how I convinced myself that it was HIM not ME.

Maybe I'll be more lucid later

Sage