I don't post over here much (but I'm a faithful reader) because you seem to have such an amazing amount of insight as to what is really brewing under the surface. How lucky is your H to have such a great woman as his W?
I've been reading you for a really long time now. I've never found your posts to be whack worthy. I'm not going to start now. Even though it's been 18 months and that life is well behind you, I know from experience that there are seemingly inane triggers that bring those awful, insidious thoughts barging to the surface.
When they do? I'm usually extremely uncomfortable with them because they surprise the heck out of me.
What helped is the fact that my adopted mom (who also went through a very traumatic separation) told me that this lingering effect will last until it's good and ready to move on. Uh, summary? Complete forgiveness takes awhile.
So don't despair, dear. I think you've got a great handle on all this stuff. Somehow I can't visualize you being anything but successful in putting this behind you once and for all...
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Ladies -- thanks so much for the visits and the support
Pam, PIB, Minnie -- I can always count on you guys to be there to buoy me back up and tell me "you can do it!".
Betsey -- your post touched me. Thank you so much for the "stepping out of the shadows" comments -- and it sounds like your adopted mom was a wise woman -- it will take as long as it takes. Can I tell h you think he's lucky?
Feeling lots better...got busy at work so that's helped. I am eager to go home though -- had a big lunch, feeling a bit draggy. Got to get my energy back for "errand night" (incidentally, h has sent me a couple of emails and reinforced on the telephone that he's psyched to run errands with me! What a big help that is and load off my mind!)
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Hi Sage - I'm hoping errand night went well - at some point I'm going to have to pluck the courage to suggest something similar to NG.
And I have to say, given the intense level of personal transformation we are putting ourselves through, 18 months does not seem like a long time at all - plus the fact that H does not seem ready to talk to you yet - there is only so much you can do on your own
But as always, I guess we keep busy, walk these board and work on us.... Slowly
Quote: Hi Sage - I'm hoping errand night went well - at some point I'm going to have to pluck the courage to suggest something similar to NG.
it did!
Quote: And I have to say, given the intense level of personal transformation we are putting ourselves through, 18 months does not seem like a long time at all - plus the fact that H does not seem ready to talk to you yet - there is only so much you can do on your own
Yah, you're right...I think I was just feeling the "jeesh...it's been HOW LONG and I still get stuck" feeling.
As for the talking...well, h says a lot...it's just not always easy for me to "hear" since it's not prefaced with trumpets announcing disclosure Gotta rev up that patience, too!
Been enjoying the wisdom on your thread!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
The first thing on our list of errands was no errand at all! It was kind of a joke that I put it on there but it was well-received! H said that if EVERY errand night starts off that way, he'll be one happy camper!
Then we went and returned some stuff to Target, bought some other stuff (window dressings), went for a quick soup and sandwich at Panera and then food shopping. h was awesome the whole time, really cute and loving. He's been great about reinforcing this for me...said that "errand night" feels good because since it's "planned" it alleviates the guilt of goofing off the other nights. I like that thinking!
We're off for a romantic dinner tonight...I think this weekend is going to be a busy one for h homework-wise that is. Will give me a chance to do some more stuff around the house so that's cool
TGIF!!!!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Have been having a rough couple of days...haven't felt like posting (or figured out what to post!) so Ms. Pam has been helping me out over e-mail getting my head screwed on straight!
I've been feeling down "inside" for the last few days and have been outwardly "bristly" to h -- over the weekend I was CONVINCED that he was being crabby! But it finally occurred to me yesterday that what was happening was going on in my own mind and attitude and interactions with him. That's not to say that he couldn't have broken the cycle, he could have or not fed into it, but the simple truth is that I've been out of sorts and letting it feed into how I interact with him.
What I also realized yesterday (with Pam's help!) was that I had reverted to pre-DB'ing behaviors -- it was actually amazingly strange and subtle how this came about -- I'm not talking about the outward behaviors that I've worked so hard to change (the way I speak with h, my failure to appreciate him, my impatience, etc) -- it was so much more about what was going on INSIDE and how that manifested itself OUTSIDE. The sad and very scary part was that I could SEE (when I broke myself out of it) how much I think I was sleepwalking pre-bomb days and how I had myself CONVINCED that it was ALL ABOUT HIM. Harumph.
So, what happened?
Something happened at work on Thursday that made me nervous and then made me mad. Without going into detail, a married guy here has made some pretty pointed overtures towards me. this is someone I considered a friend and certainly a professional...but over the course of an afternoon I would say that he lapsed into unprofessional behavior -- it was SO SUBTLE that I was left scratching my head...and actually failed to nip it in the bud pointedly -- was left really, really confused.
Just to be clear -- nothing happened!! and it was primarily that this person made some leading comments and seem to walk away with an impression that I was interested in some sort of clandestine interaction -- I can't really explain it because it was so weird -- but I'm sitting there chatting about h and how hard he's working at school and how happy we are and this guy appears to be trying to figure out how to get into my....
But what it ended up bringing up for me is how I immediately was uncomfortable when someone seemed to be making an overture towards me...and how CLEARLY, h had not shared that "sixth sense" when things started traipsing over the line...(stupid, stupid cheeseless tunnel...the sitchs are world's apart -- I know that) -- and in some way it freaked me out thinking -- how miserable must h have been to NOT have been freaked out by OW?? (also, not saying that she pursued HIM like this guy is doing...)
Anyway, the whole thing left me with this undercurrent of sadness and fear and blech.
Then, h and I had a series of short "baby talks" (should we? shouldn't we? now? when?) and that's when I lapsed into some pre-bomb behavior -- the kind that you wouldn't "see" if you were watching...it's the FEAR based behavior -- the one that leads to "what if" ruminations of doom (the "how would we handle this" quickly lapsing into "this'll never work") -- it's the behavior that's hallmarked by pessimism but that gets cloaked in the respectable mantle of "practicality" and "being thoughtful" and "being prepared".
I guess it's the n-th degree EXTREME of my logical, practical, well-prepared nature...and it looks pessimistic and judgemental and critical and dour.
And while it's going on in my head it's unpleasant enough...but it also manifests itself in a doom and gloom persona, lots of impatience and criticality, and downright confusing behavior for me and for h.
So...after feeling out of sorts for a few days I could finally see what's happening and sort of broke myself out of it.
arrgh. Just got interrupted and completely lost my train of thought!
I know I'm babbling and I'm not sure I'm making any sense...the fundamental "thing" is that because of FEAR and ASSumption and expectation I've been behaving in a pessimistic and confused and critical and blech way and that has definitely taken it's toll for the last few days on US. And it's been good to see it and break out of it but scary about how entrenched it was and how I convinced myself that it was HIM not ME.
Maybe I'll be more lucid later
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quote: I immediately was uncomfortable when someone seemed to be making an overture towards me...and how CLEARLY, h had not shared that "sixth sense" when things started traipsing over the line...(stupid, stupid cheeseless tunnel...the sitchs are world's apart -- I know that) -- and in some way it freaked me out thinking -- how miserable must h have been to NOT have been freaked out by OW?? (also, not saying that she pursued HIM like this guy is doing...)
The sad but simple truth is, women are much more subtle when it comes to seduction, and men are much more stupid. Most poor men don't even see it coming - and the women involved manage to convince the men that it was the man's idea! My H actually thought his R with OW just "happened" - wasn't until he was over it that I could point out to him all the ways she had manipulated him into it, playing on his weaknesses.
So don't ASSume your H had that same radar feeling you got the other day - odds are real good he DIDN'T - he probably never knew what hit him.
Frankly - I can't blame you for being scared about the baby thing. I know that biological clock is ticking, but frankly, I'd sure want to see that H had a CLEAR UNDERSTANDING of WHY he was susceptible to an affair, a PLAN for dealing with his issues (in my H's case, Prozac for his depression and a breakthrough insight during counseling), and was demonstrating a long time of clearly avoiding the "near occasions of sin" without needing to be told.
You are not crazy - your H IS high risk for repeating this behavior, and choosing to have a child with him is a risk. Of course, someone new may be a risk too, and if your H can TRULY learn from this, he may actually revert to an average risk - but that learning from this process is more than just falling back in love with you and feeling remorse - they NEED to understand why they did it. I made the mistake of not pushing my H to learn this the first time, and that's how I ended up in such a mess 18 years and three kids later.
Let me start by saying that I know what I want to say, but I am not sure that I can make it come out right. I was reading your thread and was struck by how you were able (with some time and help from the other Pam 1.to gain insight into how that incident with the guy from work made you feel 2. how you reacted at initially as a kind of second nature 3. how you were later able to put a name and a handle on all that 4. to re-assess your thoughts and behaviors and alter them accordingly
I think you showed a lot of maturity.
I had something happen to me recently that was kind of a trigger that brought back a flood of old undealt with emotions.
When I went to register my son for high school (he's going to the same high school I went to) I had a sudden flashback to when I started h.s. That also happened to be the summer that my parents got separated.
I realize now with the benefit of age and maturity that that was when a lot of my acting out behaviors started and I know now that some of it was prob due to the fact that my parents were so self involved that they were not even paying attention to me.
I was later able to turn it into a discussion with my son regarding how I didn't ever want him to feel like I wasn't paying attention to him.
I am sorry that guy was hitting on you, but I think that you did a great job of processing all this because it certainly triggered something inside of you.
Betsey 
Slowly 
Gotta rev up that patience, too!
It was kind of a joke that I put it on there but it was well-received! H said that if EVERY errand night starts off that way, he'll be one happy camper!
