Sage, it's interesting that I have been reading the same books as you and have been spending time exploring Buddist thought -- and I agree that letting go of self is an amazingly freeing experience. I guess I was responding to the "prop your man up" message, which is probably a way too simplistic reading of your post.
In the last few months with my WAH I have really put into practice many of the things you mention, resulting in promising baby steps. He has told me, "When you are calm, I am calm and I am trying to figure out why you affect me like that." He has asked me out on dates, we have resumed ML, he has been reasonable financially, he has told me he respects me and that he's not sure about D. That's how I know it's working.
But, there is still the OW which makes me ponder a possible link between detachment and denial...
