The miracle is this....

[sage]

Hi Slowly,

I am curious - I read on another thread that 2 years on, you are still finding R talks difficult, and manage chat time on long walks etc. Just wondering how you manage to live with what must be a number of 'unresolved' issues - or are there simply none?

well...I'm not sure I'll be able to answer this concisely, so bear with me.

There's kind of three categories in my mind as to "unresolved" issues -- there's the stuff that happened in the past (h's EA, what he deemed as a precursor to it [WHY, for example], what happened after I found out, etc); there's the stuff that's "present day" (day to day issues that might need resolution) and then there's the stuff that's "future" (topic of kids perhaps, how to avoid future issues that may lead to unhappiness, infidelities, etc).

Let me deal with the easy one first:

Present day stuff -- well, we just have FAR FEWER issues on a day to day basis. Why? well, I think we've both worked at it -- I've stopped getting angry and personalizing everything, I've worked hard on dropping control, h is much more attentive to me and stuff around the house, we're both lots more appreciative and considerate of the other, etc.

Simply put, we don't NEED to have R talks about our daily existence because there just doesn't seem to be a need.

That's the easy one, no?

The past and the future stuff is lots harder for me...and sometimes I do great with it and sometimes I'm internally a big mass of fear and terror and sometimes I'm internally a big mass of resentment and anger and sometimes I'm externally less than my perfect self (reacting in fear, anger, sadness, whatever).

The PAST stuff is, well, past...and on good days I can think (thanks to lots of hard work and the constant reinforcement of my BB friends!) that the WHYS and LIES and WHEREFORES of the EA aren't what matters TODAY. So, I can drop the "how could this have happened" and the desire for details of their R and in particular the desire for details on HOW it ended and whether or not there has been contact since.

So, sometimes these things FEEL like unresolved issues to me but they HAVE to be in some fashion, no? Because they're in the PAST and can't be changed and even if h could pinpoint for me the exact crossing of the line moment, would that help? dunno.

Mostly I've gotten to the point where I don't obsess on the details of the past...not always, though If I'm tired or stressed or not feeling well physically I can sometimes get myself wrapped around an axle. And I'm sort of loathe to admit it but parts of our recent vacation were bittersweet...2 years ago h was in full-EA mode when we vacationed in Maine and there were definite internal moments of "ugh, remember how he HAD to have his laptop with him?" and "ugh, remember that secret smile he gave to himself" blah, blah.

The FUTURE stuff is ok, too, but sometimes hard for me to navigate. I can get caught up in "how does this never happen again if we can't even talk about why it happened?" and "what if he isn't able to tell me he's unhappy" and "he said it had never felt right to him...what if he feels that way again" and on and on.

So what brings me out of that?

Well, focusing on the daily positives. Doing what WORKS (spending time with h, meditating, exercising, etc). NOT doing what DOESN'T work (R talks, ASSumptions, personalizing, being reactive). I remind myself that DB'ing got me this far (woohoo!) and can help to take me further too....working on the areas that still feel particularly scary to me in my sitch (communication, etc)...being PATIENT, etc.

Is this long winded answer helping? Alas, probably not.

How do I manage unresolved issues?

Short answer: by focusing on what I CAN control and using DB techniques, by shedding what I CAN'T control, by accepting (through meditation, reading, buddhism audiotapes) that life itself is unresolved and uncertain, by trying not to make myself feel CRAPPY if I do get stuck down a cheeseless tunnel, by focusing on the positives, by keeping an open mind about how h shows me his love, by SLOWING DOWN, by realizing that I have TIME every day to make things better and more positive and by NOT REACTING when I get riled up inside and oh-so-afraid. Oh, and reminding myself that I've been thru this pain and could get thru it again and that I would be OK NO MATTER WHAT.

Yikes. Lots of words. I hope some helped.

FWIW -- and maybe it doesn't feel this way to you now -- but I think that your h actually is displaying a pretty amazing amount of "honesty" and "disclosure" with you...even though I'm sure it's super-painful to be in limbo and ambiguity and sadness and hurt mode WITH him...I think it's good that he's sharing that part with you...I didn't get a view into how h dealt with ENDING his EA and that's actually part of what I can get stuck in a bit.

Hang in there Slowly...

Sage