Last couple of days have been good. h is nearing completion on his paper (yahoo! he has worked SO hard on it!) and now must turn his attention to an exam he has tomorrow night. At 8:30 pm tomorrow night there will be a BIG sigh of relief in these parts as he will be done with all of his commitments for school. He's got 13 days off from school (! ) and I'm guessing he plans to make the MOST of them by doing the LEAST he can! Relaxation and vacation here we come!

Last night he was in full study mode so I suggested that I pick up dinner on the way home. I realized something about the exchange that may or may not prove interesting to anyone but me...

I knew that h was in full study mode. I knew that he was probably feeling stressed. I wanted to do what I could to relieve that stress but wasn't sure if I should a) plan dinner at home (get food, etc) or b) suggest going out or c) ask.

c probably seems like the obvious choice but there was a part of me that wanted to KNOW what h would find most relaxing. Not sure if that's silly or not but sometimes I feel lame (lame, lame) for saying "what would you like to do" because sometimes when you're stressed don't you just want someone to destress you?

then, it occured to me that THIS is a time when I often pull away from h...when I'm just not sure what the right thing is to do to please/delight/relax him. THAT made me wonder if sometimes when h is distant or guarded if (in fact) it might have to do with feeling that he doesn't know what to do next.

OK, I'm babbling.

so, my solution was to call h and suggest that I would bring home dinner unless he had wanted to go out. He was enthusiastic. My dinner pick-up wasn't seamless (couldn't get what I wanted, etc) but we were both lowkey about it, food was good, etc.

NOW...perhaps you're thinking...cripes, all she was doing was picking up dinner! BUT to me it was about...

getting to a point where I wasn't sure what the right thing to do was in terms of being supportive of h

NOT withdrawing and taking a distanced attitude (per normal)

having an action plan (dinner) but phrasing it in such a way to h that I think he felt he could suggest a different plan

NOT freaking out when the plan didn't go exactly, well, to plan

sometimes I think that I get way too wrapped up in being PERFECT in terms of executing my plan...so when it doesn't go just right h feels the stress of me stressing.

Yawn. I've bored even myself at this point.

Anyway...it was a good mini-milestone for me. Lots of little steps.

1.5 more days of work!!! Hooray!

Sage

Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.