HDW needs HELP !!

[NotATLDave]

NelJ,

1. Don't worry about your H not wanting to read SSM...that's expected and normal.

2. Relax a little. I see lots of anxiety in you. You are starting to "watch" your H now. This is a natural part of the process (I did it at first too and it drove me to the point of insanity) it's not a good thing.

3. Don't execute anything for at least a few weeks...especially considering that you haven't read PM yet. Use this time to gather info from here and your books. This is a long, tricky process and a misstep now can undermine things later. I'm speaking from experience again.

4. Stop writing letters. I did this in the beginning out of fear and lack of confidence in myself / position. It's doesn't have any effect and can even make you look weaker. If you need to ensure that you are clear, then make notes to yourself.

5. What's with this?....

asked if he thought we needed councelling as far as our relationship goes to which he responded very angrily 'If you think we need it'

Why ask him if he thinks you need it? As far as he is concerned, you don't need anything...that's why he threw it back at you. His anger wasn't just out of your desire to see a C, but the fact that you put the decision onto him. This quote has lots of "fusion" in it. In your quote, you are acknowledging that there is an entity called "we". The thing that's going to cook your noodle after reading PM is what this type of thinking this represents. Think about his response if you said the following....

NelJ: "I'm struggling to find out what is going on...I want more passion in this marriage but I don't feel like you are interested in giving it. Is there something that I could do to motivate you to be more passionate towards me? If you can't answer, then I would like to go to a C to see if they can help figure out what to do"

Note that there is a subtle semantic trick in there....it's ambiguous whether or not you wanted him to come to counseling. If he doesn't want to go...then go alone a few times. I guarantee that there are at least 10 sessions worth of things for you to work on for yourself. He might not even need to go. Remember, a counsellor cannot motivate your H. Only you can. I made the mistake of dragging my W to a C and nothing happened. I recently asked my W to set some time aside for a talk...she mocked me by sarcastically saying..."are we going to talk about the relaaaaationship". And I calmly said "there is no 'relationship'...it's just you, me, our individual wants and needs, and what we choose to share. I just wanted to tell you something that was bothering me".

I'll wait until you read PM to help you more. I just wanted to give you a primer on how your view of the world is about to turn upside down. It's quite fun.