Still trying to sort out my feelings from seeing CHL on Friday.

We have seemed to have some sort of fun phone interactions but in person was totally different.

Of course neither of us expected to see the other one so that probably made a difference as well.

I went home really sick. Walked back and said Hi to him, he said Hi. I asked him something and he basically wasn't answering. This reminds me of all the times in our marriage that he would start on a project and be extremely disagreeable while working on it. This is an area I am really working on in myself. I tend to be stressy over projects. Life is too short for that type of feelings and behaviors. But rather than personalize it, I did ask if he was ok, as he looked rather like he was overheating. As I said he basically was ignoring me so I walked back and got my car to put away. After that I said I am going to bed, will leave the door unlocked if you want to get some water or anything.

He said some water would be good. So I offered to carry him a bottle back and he said yes. So I put the shells in the yard except for B and her and I walked back to the barn.

I know I mention this a lot and it is an area I am NOT sure how to address with myself, but J would in no way treat him this nice if he was d'ing her and screwing around on her.

I guess that is partly my competitive nature, partly that the very things he named about me that he didn't like I feel she is the epitome of those very characteristics and that is my way of reminding myself that I am better than her in some areas, even if she did win.

I have decided to train FB and if he is half as good as I think he can be we are going to kick J and her stinkin' poodles butt!!! I mean how appropriate, for FB and I, the two left behinds, beating the person that took our friend away from us.

In the past I would have really personalized the fact that he wouldn't talk with me. This time I just gave him the water and went back to the house and to bed.

About an hour later is when he was in the house when I got up. It seemed a bit awkward at times, he did the go to sleep thing he always does. I have a feeling if he is there alone he doesn't go to sleep, but does it to avoid talking with me if I am there with him.

He held and played with all the shelties but especially FB, he appeared to me to be sad looking at FB.

We did have some nice chit chat as well about some things at his job and his mom's new computer.

I had forgotten how well he likes to shop, we did that a lot when we were having our affair. My ASSumption is he and J are doing lots of shopping now as I KNOW she likes to shop. He has new shoes, new watch, new jacket, so he has definitely been doing lots more shopping than we did during our marriage.

He left to beat the traffic. He never stays past 5:00, my ASSumption again that he has to get back across the rive to get to J's in time to take her to dinner.

As you can see I am STILL working to process emotions that Friday stirred up, but I am making progress. G suggested something today and I said no, that isn't the way I want to handle this sitch. He said you just aren't there yet. I said no for me if I play a mean trick that is keeping bad feelings alive and giving them rein. That isn't the way I want to go with this part of my life.

I want to walk out of here with grace and dignity. This is a part of my life that I don't want to have to look back at and feel ashamed at the way I handled it.

As much as I will miss him I wouldn't go back to where he and J are right now. The affair for me was a time in my life that I was very UNHAPPY with the person I was and even to have him back I wouldn't go there again.

I have a feeling if J cheats on him that he will probably never have another affair. I am saying that because he does have very sensitive feelings at times and I'm not sure he has any idea whe he puts the other side through when he has these affairs.

He has always been on the side of cheating with other men's wives but never had the shoe on the other foot. It does feel very different. Even though I felt horribly guilty I did not realize the depth of emotions having someone you trust treat you that way would lead you to feel. I understand a whole lot more now how my first H felt at the end.

I hope you all don't think I am down writing all of this, it just seemed to need to come out as it is some of the thought process I am trying to work through to be in a really peaceful place about it all.

Pam

"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned
so as to have the life that is waiting for us"