Quote: A year ago, when our R was at a low point, I demanded to know why she wouldn't ML. She said she always hated doing it with me, and that I was very unskilled. Boy, did that hurt.
That is total B.S. along the lines of the best defense is a good offense. If I was in love with a man who I felt to be "unskilled" in bed, I would think "He doesn't know what I like, I better show/tell/guide him in a nice way.". If his ego was so fragile or he was so insensitive that he wouldn't look/listen or allow himself to be guided then that would be a problem, but if he was enthusiastic and eager to please, I'm sure he would easily improve his "skills" and present his own variations. In my experience, each of my lovers brought a very different "skill" set to bed with him. I wouldn't necessarily be able to say which set was better overall, I could only judge which skill set worked better on me at the time.
The advice I would offer to a man who felt himself to be "unskilled" in bed, would be much the same advice I would offer to a man who felt himself to be unskilled at home repair. Read some good general purpose manuals like "The Guide to Getting it On" or if you learn better by visual example buy one of the widely available technique teaching videos. Make sure your "tools" are in good shape and keep them that way. Don't try to rewire your partner's whole house, if you've never even installed a switch. Don't get discouraged or angry and abandon the project half-done in frustration. Pay attention to detail and don't forget those finishing touches. Be sure and clean up when you're done.
Quote: I'd love to improve my skills, but I don't get enough reps these days. The coach has benched me. And then she complains that I'm not skilled. Go figure .
If I were you, I would read some sex manuals in front of the coach. If she commented on your reading choice, I would say "This is a great book. I'm getting a lot of new ideas and learning a lot of new techniques. This information has really improved and added variety to my fantasy life. Someday soon I plan on trying all these things in real life." I think this would be a very Schnarchian thing to do. Your wife would be presented with a whole series of two-choice dilemmas. She'll have to choose whether she'll respond or pretend to ignore what you said. If you "hold on to yourself" and stay calm, whether her reaction is angry or sad or cold, she will eventually have to realize that you are absolutely serious in your intention to explore new sexual realms and improve your skills and she will have to decide if she is willing to join you in this endeavor or risk that you will go find a new team to play for or another house to improve.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
