I went to the councilor today. He seems like a nice enough fellow. I broke the ice by reading him the post that I wrote above, and also the letter that I wrote my wife last month. It was surprising to me how hard a time I had reading these letters aloud without choking up with emotion. Hold on to yourself.
An issue that I have with my wife that I didn't mention above is that she won't initiate any kind of physical contact, let alone sex. If we are going on a walk, she will let me hold her hand, but if I don't hold her hand, she won't hold mine. The same goes for hugs and kisses (if she ever again lets my tongue in, I might not take it back out ). I think the idea of initiating contact never occurs to her, although my insecure side thinks I am repulsive to her.
I told her a couple of weeks ago about that I wanted her to kiss me good night before going to bed or rolling over to fall asleep. She started smacking herself in the head and said "I can't do anything right." The next three nights she made a big show of kissing me good night "I'm going to bed now, so I'm going to kiss you good night so you don't get mad." After the third night of this, with some eye rolling thrown in, I got angry and told her not to bother. She told me "Your not going to go pathetic on me are you?" Touché! She still gives me the good night kiss, and her attitude has softened from patronizing to perfunctory. I guess that's progress.
The councilor told me not to expect too much in the way of sex, considering she can barely stand to touch me. It's hard to argue with that: I've been on the bench so long that when I get up to the plate, I should worry about getting to first base rather than hitting home runs. He said we obviously need to get to the bottom of her anger with me. He also said that I should thank her for kissing me even if she wasn't really feeling it, because at least she was making the effort.
Tonight at bed time, I thanked her for kissing me goodnight and she thanked me for thanking her. I also thanked her for telling me that I was being pathetic - I really did need to hear that. I don't want her pity. (It sure seems that I'm looking for pity when you look at all the maudlin crap I've written in this thread . I don't want it from my wife but I'll take it from y'all.).
Finally, I told her that whatever she was angry about, I wanted to hear about it. I especially need to hear about it if it reflects an ongoing pattern of behavior. But even if it is just old stuff that I can't do anything about, I still want to here about it. And I promised her that I would try not to react angry or defensive about her revelations. This is my attempt at differentiation.
Tony
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
). I think the idea of initiating contact never occurs to her, although my insecure side thinks I am repulsive to her.
. I don't want it from my wife but I'll take it from y'all.).