Welcome m_i_t! You've come to the right place. Ideas flow rapidly around here, so be prepared.
Quote: There are lots of other issues in our marriage, but she is not interested in working on them. As far as she's concerned, there is no problem.
Ohh boy, that sounds like my W. Is there a school out there that teaches this line of thinking??
Have you asked her to assume responsibility for these "other issues?" I have a feeling that, if you have, it only pissed her off. Why? Because "it's your problem" and "it's all about you" and such. I've heard these things over and over and over again, and no matter how many times my W says it, I don't believe it.
I've learned to make statements about ME - how I feel, or what I want, or how I see things. I can change ME and how I attempt to process things, and I know that I can't change my W. I am not trying to give my W answers to her "so what can I do about it" questions, preferring to tell her that I really can't give her an answer... that she'll have to come up with the answer on her own. After many months of this type of talk, I think my W will realize that "there are lots of other issues in our marriage."
Quote: What do I do...??? I am afraid of the reaction.
My C said that I was afraid of my W, and I didn't see it until recently. Now, I speak up when I have something to say about how I'm feeling or I see something that we need to work on in our M, rather than letting it drop or dealing with it later "when there's time." What changed? Well, I realized that my W doesn't HAVE to like me or agree with me about everything in life. I am being honest with her and telling her how I feel and what I want. That's my job... and it fosters communication. She can yell at me if she needs to, and we can discuss things in a heated argument if need be... but it's communication. I know you wrote that you're tired of arguments. I think you will see that arguments turn to discussions if diffused and handled well.
Quote: She wants to have an intimate relationship, but.. but... but... I've called her on all the excuses too... they are usually irrelevant, untrue, or the other side of a coin that she is in control of (i.e., I haven't had time, however, I've come up with 15 new hobbies to fill my time with recently; I do want to talk...o.k., now it is a commercial break, how are you?; etc. etc)
Do not expect her to do something just because YOU think it's a good idea... her hobbies will win almost every time (Example: I gave my W the SSM book a month ago - and she's up to page 50. Instead, she crochets every night while we watch TV.) What I *do* recommend is that you turn off the TV (and if you feel like being nice, record whatever program she's watching so she can catch it later). Turn off the distractions and you'll be left with what? Each other! Don't attack her... DO make statements about how you see things and what you want. Don't attempt to make things easy for her... DO tell her that she needs to come up with answers on her own. This is written from experience.
Quote: Long story short, I am told that I am the problem, either because I think that there is a problem when there really isn't, or because I am the root cause of all the problems that she will admit...no matter how illogical.
So she admits that there are problems? Do you have a list? Can you post it for us?
Quote: Anita wrote: You know...I think we've all been told that we're the problem and believe it or not...you are part of the problem. You're going to learn this as you read more of these posts, read the books that have been recommended and then begin trying the different approaches. We so often approach our spouses in ways we feel are completely reasonable, loving, encouraging etc...but to our spouse on the other side of the coin/problem we are doing nothing but pressuring, demanding, finding faults in them and insisting that they change when they don't think they need to. I used to think I was being so loving in the way I handled the situation with my LDH but my approach kept getting me further and further from a solution.
Amen. I know I'm part of the problem, but I've admitted that. I am working on my own version of the 12-Step program. You can do it too, sir. Good luck.
