Ok...believe it or not you're going through the same things we've all gone through or are currently going through.
Quote: I've talked to my wife repeatedly over the last 6 months, but it only ever precipitates an argument.
I did the same thing with my LDH, the oonly thing repeatedly talking to him about our problem did was make him push me away quicker and farther...he took my repeatedly bringing up the problem as nagging. Your wife probably is too. The approach so far that I've found that works best with him, maybe it will with your wife too is this....make a simple statement about how you feel and then drop it...walk away, don't make a huge conversation out of it...give her time to stew on it awhile. That approach works great for me with my LDH...he won't always respond initially to what I've said (for example...and don't feel you have to use this..."I'm too young to live in a celibate marriage. At this point in our marriage we have virturally no physical contact unless I force the issue and I'm not willing to live the rest of my life that way." I didn't threaten divorce, I didn't threaten walking out the door...I just made a statement and let him think on it. Believe it or not he initiated a conversation later on (several days later) regarding what I had said. It made him think. Have you tried anything like that with your W yet?
Quote: I've called her on all the excuses too... they are usually irrelevant
Whoa! Irrelevant?...this is going to sound harsh, but irrelevant to who? You obviously I realize that, but if she's putting these excuses out there they may not be irrelevant to her. Perhaps they are excuses, true...but they are blocking issues she's putting out there regardless. Is it possible you aren't taking her "excuses" seriously enough?...could you be dismissing something that she needs fullfilled? Are there things in your daily life that you could do (chores, shopping etc) that you could do to attempt to alleviate some of her excuses? I know with my H many times the excuses he would come up with that I thought were irrelevant truly did weigh on his mind and I didn't realize it. He was putting too much pressure on himself which was causing him not to make any time for me and completely shut me out...although he was unaware of this at the time
Quote: I am told that I am the problem, either because I think that there is a problem when there really isn't, or because I am the root cause of all the problems
You know...I think we've all been told that we're the problem and believe it or not...you are part of the problem. You're going to learn this as you read more of these posts, read the books that have been recommended and then begin trying the different approaches. We so often approach our spouses in ways we feel are completely reasonable, loving, encouraging etc...but to our spouse on the other side of the coin/problem we are doing nothing but pressuring, demanding, finding faults in them and insisting that they change when they don't think they need to. I used to think I was being so loving in the way I handled the situation with my LDH but my approach kept getting me further and further from a solution.
I know you feel you are in a really tough situation right now, you're discouraged, frustrated, resentful, confused etc. There is hope though...but you're going to have to be willing to deal with some of your feelings and really do the work it will take to get to a better place in your marriage.
We're all here to help each other out, you're going to find quite a bit of support here...and lots of good (and some not so good) suggestions.
