I met with the C alone today and I still like her enough to pay the bill but it is killing me because I wasn't ready to spend this much so soon.
She was questioning my whole history and trying to figure out just who I am how I think.
There was a weird thing that happened. She asked about my yellow wristband ("livestrong" cancer awareness/lance armstrong thingy) and asked me about it. Later on in the session, we were talking about my W. She noticed my missing wedding ring (which I took off last night but forgot to put back on). She said that I drew attention to my finger because when I started talking about my W, I began rubbing feeling for my ring. But what was even more interesting was that I fidgeted with my cancer awareness band when talking about my dad. I tried to explain the fact that I didn't "grieve" like others about my dad. But she seems to believe that I'm channelling my emotions into anxiety. She asked what that does for me and I gave her my Schnarchiest answer that "I use the energy to 'perform' above others expectations which gives me the other-validation that I rely on to deal with the fact that I have a pretty crappy self-image". She nodded with agreement. I could tell we were going that direction anyway. The nice thing about this C is that she said she is not going to try to solve that issue but rather *use* it in the marital counseling. And that we won't ignore it as a non-contributing factor to things.
She wants to see me alone one more time because she didn't get enough background. She thinks, and I agree that, while under her care, I should take a break from the books and just relax a little. I'm considering doing the same with this board. I'm starting to see this place as a way to channel my anxiety...it's more like a video game sometimes. So I'll try to keep posting occasionally but maybe not as much as I used to.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Whether you know it or not, you've already curtailed your "use" of this board. I have seen a marked decrease in your postings since your dad passed. Sometimes, I wonder if we all just come here looking for other-validated something-or-other.
I don't think you should pass on the C that is Schnarch-aware and seems to have a handle on marital issues so well! I wish I could find a C who was going to challenge my W and I to deal with things rather than a C who suggests new ways to f*ck with each others' reality. I do see Schnarch's point that most Cs today believe in suggesting other-validated approaches to issues rather than self-validated approaches. My current personal C is like that. In fact, she knows nothing about Michele's SSM and DB and DR books, nor does she know Schnarch and his books/approaches.
My point is... $$$ can't buy you love but it can sure help you become truly self-validated. Good luck, man. We'll keep looking for your updates.
Quote: Whether you know it or not, you've already curtailed your "use" of this board. I have seen a marked decrease in your postings since your dad passed. Sometimes, I wonder if we all just come here looking for other-validated something-or-other.
Over a short time I have come to love and appreciate all of my fellow posters. But if Dave is not posting too much, maybe it is because he is getting a life. I do most of my posting late at night because I'm not in bed f*****g my wife. Although I enjoy everyone's company, I am here to solve a problem. If I ever get close to a solution, you won't see a lot of posts from me either.
Nothing personal .
SM
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
I'm lurking but not very active. It sort of is true that things are getting "normal". W initiated Wed in a nice way. I walked into the bedroom and the candle was going, and she was ready to go. Secondly, being under the care of a good C, my anxiety is gone because I feel hopeful. I now realized how much my desire was based on anxiety and Wed, I wasn't feeling much loss of EC after the 3x last week. I'm starting to feel comfortable that we will be pretty regular, that also reduces my anxiety and subsequently my drive. This feels like progress even if it means less than 2x a week (but hopefully not much less). Also, the C said that I should use this time with her to "relax", stop reading books, and stop trying to solve everything myself...that I should trust myself to her...and I do. I'll poke in occasionally and give updates.
Later.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
I'm glad things are working out for you, Dave. I understand why you're not here, but I do appreciate your words of wisdom, so please don't go too far away.
.