Slow and Steady

[NotATLDave]

Update....

Tonight, my W retaliated against me taking her to counseling by making me watch Under the Tuscan Sun with her.

We had a nice snuggly time on the sofa and when she went to bed, we exchanged kisses for a bit (in my office). They got pretty passionate and I felt confident enough to initiate (note that we ml last night) and I turned off the light. My W saw the "approach" and then reminded me that she really just wanted to go to bed and that I should feel satisfied with the fact that my kisses motivated her to stay about 3 times longer than she intended. Then she said "don't tell me your cup is already empty". My reply: "Why does it have to be empty?...I want you because it's NOT empty..but I'll tuck you in anyways". I brushed my teeth and got in bed with her and we kissed some more and gently touched her etc. I then told her "I know you want to go to sleep and that's fine...I won't get weird. I just wanted to let you know that I'm really lovin' you right now and would love to 'get together'." She seemed to be at a loss of words so I said..."so just say 'that's a very nice thought but I'm too tired and would love to be with you soon'". She repeated it back verbatim and I gave her a kiss and said "good night" and she said "thank you" in a way that let me know that she appreciated the fact that I didn't push her.

So, I'm proud of myself for sharing my true feelings about what I wanted etc. and I think it was a good exercise to try that even in the face of a "preemptive rejection". Here's the problem. I feel like I gambled some EC to do that. Her reasoning was 100% reasonable for not wanting to be with me...so why should I feel slightly resentful? I think if we get to a point where we a rejection is the exception instead of the norm and my cup has been consistently full for a while, then it won't be a big deal. There's just so much legacy garbage going on that even the most gentle rejections hurt a little.

I'm happy to admit that my feelings about this are completely isolated from other-validation etc. As a matter of fact, it's been a very long time since I've taken rejection personally. It's just that now, I seem to accept rejection with prejudicial judgment. It's very peculiar. This is the garbage I'm hoping to get my hands around with the new C.