Slow and Steady

[NotATLDave]

whoa...I just thought of something and I'm not sure if you meant it this way.

My EC dropping after a few days is really *real*. It's never been a point for manipulation. But the fact that I shared these feelings might actually be. Does that make sense? I very desperately want her to somehow get a little more motivated to meet me half-way. Though maybe her willingness to say yes (in even crappy way) is "meeting me half way". Actually, when I called her on her crappy response a cpl weeks ago, she said "hey...I'm meeting you half way". So in her mind she is.

So sure, I love Schnarchs idea of letting a R work on you and yes, this situation is clarifying my personal issues in a big way. These days, my world seems to be full of depth and drama. But geez, sometimes instead of always eating a heavy meal, it's nice to have a light salad. If there was a lot less sarcasm, eye-roll and a little more respect for my feelings, then I wouldn't have the (sarc) lovely fortune of having a major personal issue to overcome. Don't respond to this...I know the truth, I just want to bitch a little.

I totally agree with NOP's idea and the rationale. I'm really taking it slowly. I started spending more time with her the day after the convo and am being "gently" affectionate. I haven't initiated yet. This felt like such a big backslide for me, that I need to take my time before initiating LM and just take it slow and steady with affection and closeness. Yah...my confidence is low right now and I need to build it back up.

Have you put yourself in her shoes and experienced for yourself what it might have been like to be on the receiving end of your emotional toxins?

Oh yah. And I apologized for it. It is so clear now what my agenda was. 1. quality time (seriously...as sadistic as that sounds, it's true). 2. to do what Corri said...try to avoid facing potential rejection. Crap this hurts so much...she has nothing to with except hold the mirror up. I guess a C will be good. I would love to share this insight with my W, but it would do nothing but upset her because it's not *her* holding the mirror...it's her little LD demon which she's not happy acknowledging.

Time for some sleep. The day after the convo, I woke up with an inflamed cyst right above my spine between my shoulders. I went to the dermatologist today and he actually cut the freakin' thing out and sewed it up...right in the exam room!! Now I've got burning pain in my back which will be somewhat irritated by the hydration backpack I'll be wearing when I guide a group on a 5 hour mountainbike ride tomorrow morning. Ugh...how can I have such a high tolerance for physical pain yet be so damn wimpy sometimes about emotional pain?