I think you need to pay attention to NOPkins advice to you. I think you are experiencing performance anxiety of some sort... initiating sex with your wife, and using the excuse that you don't feel an EC with her to avoid it is something you might want to seriously examine.
It sounds like you have a very serious fear of rejection... and if you can guilt your wife into initiating more, or showing more passion and desire while having sex 3x per week for the next 3 weeks, then that completely takes the pressure off of you because the two of you have made 'an agreement.' You've conned her into being a certain way so that you don't have to risk facing your own fears.
It sounds to me like that whole haywire conversation you had the other night was an 'emotional meltdown' in Dave land, and you are holding her hostage by saying 'she didn't really understand what I meant.' What about what she heard, man? Have you put yourself in her shoes and experienced for yourself what it might have been like to be on the receiving end of your emotional toxins?
What NOPkins in suggesting to you is a way for you to slowly build back your confidence. So she might not become all gooey and melty when you hug her and kiss her neck. But it is a fairly innocuous way for you to reach out to your wife and offer intimacy without going for the whole enchilada. And you do this FIVE times a day. It's for YOU, not necessarily for her... although I bet she will benefit from it when she realizes what you are doing.
I'm glad to hear you found another C... but it sounds to me like you have already created an exit strategy for yourself if she doesn't pass 'the Dave test.' It's a good one, too. She's not covered under your insurance and it would cost you a pretty penny. Counseling takes time, Dave. You aren't always fixed in five sessions, or six months. Sometimes it takes a little longer. And it can be pretty damn painful, too.
I feel for you, guy, I really do. There is some serious pain below your surface and what could be a bit daunting for you is that you've just realized there is more to the ice berg than what you thought. After all, look at how far you've come on your own? The tough part of this is, however, that until you spend some serious time with a professional C who won't let you off the hook (like your wife might because she loves you), you won't know if you've really cleared your closet of the cob webs and skeletons, or if you've just created a more complex method of avoiding your own issues, pain and fear.
That all probably sounds pretty harsh. It's just my opinion, and I'm not saying I'm right. Regardless, I'm pulling for you, guy. Hang in there. This sh!t is tough, especially when you enter the 'facing personal demons' realm.
