Tough night last night and it's looking like a bad day today. I'm not sure if this is a normal backslide or what. I'm hopeful that it is.

Folks, don't read this an example of the right way to handle things...we shouldn't be having this many discussions...

Anyway, we tried to be intimate last night and I could relax. It's still my W's P and I knew there would be nothing for her but I needed to be close. She tried to help me in a manual way and I tried to help myself at the same time. I just couldn't clear my head. She picked up on it and asked about it and I tried to explain everything. I explained the connection of the EC to physical activity and the leaky-tire metaphor, etc. I also said that, because it's my EC, then it's my responsibility do whatever it is to maintain it whether that means initiate sex, take her on a date, or turn off the TV some night and just talk. But I also said that I was having such a hard time with initiation that it almost feels easier to not want the EC and to just retreat back into my own world.

I guess I didn't explain things correctly because she said "I know what the problem....you don't love me". Ugh!!!! But I kept my cool and instead of a panicky "oh yes I do!", I asked "well, what's your definition of love?" She said "it's layers upon layers of enjoying each other's company, being friends, respecting, having desire and sharing affection...". Call me capatin a-hole (the following is probably very bad form), but I stopped her and said..."wow...then according to your definition, do you understand why *I* don't feel loved? You use sarcastically disrespect me your desire isn't exactly stellar". She started crying and I felt like a complete tool. I had to reassure her that I did love her and it was the reason I was going through the pain of this.

Anyway, she kept saying things like..."but we've been together so much lately...I can understand you saying this last year, but now? especially after last Thursday where we naturally came together?" I replied that I would probably feel much different if we had 20 "thursday nights" under our belt.

One of the interesting things we discussed was "fusion-talk". This topic came up because I heard myself say "I'm doing all this work, toil and heartache to make things better but I don't feel like you are...um..a...I...ooops...wow, I just illustrated my fusion". Anyway, I had to explain that I'm catching her "fusion-talk" when she says things like "Why would you ask xxxx when you should know that I yyyyyy".

She also told me that the things I was telling her were sabotaging my chances of having what I want. Anyway, it got too late, and I was realizing that this was a stupid cycle. I realized that I was repeating something that happened last week...I cannot be physically intimate until I'm at least semi-emotionally connected. It takes quality time and conversation to do that. But this is a crappy type of convo to boost the EC. Man...what a backslide. This is silly.

At one point she said "you are spinning out of control...you have a great life, and family that loves you so much. You are so fortunate". I had to reply "I agree with that but their is one painful flaw that's taking the fun out of it". I guess that was the wrong thing to say because she acted like I punched her in the gut with that. Like operating heavy equipment, maybe I shouldn't have convos when I'm tired. Who knows though. A part of me feels like I was being manipulated too because she seems to "paint" a much prettier picture of reality when under pressure like this. You should have heard her in the C session the first day (a couple months ago). She was totally gushing on me to the C about how great I am. Oh well.

We discussed using the situation to work on one-selves but I realized that I shouldn't be concerned with whether she is growing or not. I let her know that *I* was and in what ways. I did, inappropriately ask "are you feeling like your 'desire' is improving or feeling at least a little more natural horniness"...and she said "yes".

I finally apologized for sharing "bad feelings" and asked her to have patience with me.

I hope I've characterized the problem corrctly. I need some physical activity to raise the EC, but I'm unable to be comfortable with physical activity when my EC is low -catch 22. So it's a cycle that has to be broken with something else to raise the EC. Talk seems to do it. I did share NOP's idea of increasing the frequency to 3x week for 3 weeks and to see how that would go. I also said that the closer to our session last Thurs, the better so I don't feel like I'm asking.

I think this is a typical part of the evolution. A lot less intelligent people than me (if I do say so myself ) have worked things out. I'm still hopeful.

- later.

Dave (who's got road rash from such a big backslide today).

Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time -Steven Wright