Quote: The ultimate test of becoming differentiated is when I can truly live without sex for an extended period of time.
Dave, does Schnarch say this? It doesn't sound right to me. Even in light of your fear of being alone, it STILL doesn't sound right. So you need sex... Does that make you fused and in need of learning how to live without it?
I really don't think your requests from your wife are all that fused or in need of tweaking. Sex a couple times a week, with both of you initiating, and if she turns you down it needs to be done in a way that does not make you feel foolish. Sounds good to me!
As far as maintaining the EC, here is what I personally think: You can have an EC with her, it just won't be strong. It won't be that "high as a kite" EC that we all know and love. It will be a downsized version of it..more of a brother and sister EC. This is what happens when you have an HD person who goes for a certain period (defined by them, we are all different) without sex. It occurred to me last night that I was trying to have a Lover EC with a person who had declined being my lover since last Friday. Why would I be surprised that this was hard to achieve? However!, it was quite easy to have an EC that was different but nice. It was not as strong and close feeling but it was good nonetheless. It was more of a best friend feeling but it was still an EC. I think I have been too caught up in zeroing in on THE connection that feels the best to me and ignoring the others because, truly, they are pale in comparison--both to myself and to H, paradoxically! (that is, if he thinks the sex EC rocks then why not go after it more often??)
Anyhoo, I think that a truly differentiated person would say, This is how I am and I will attempt to keep the EC going despite the status of my sex life but you, partner, must understand that there is a good chance that I will not feel as close to you after X amount of days go by with no activity, but please be assured that I love you and enjoy your company even though my connection to you will be lessened, on my end.
Cheers friend and don't beat yourself up too badly for hating being single. Some people are just charged and energized by intimate contact with others.
