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How do you make someone feel something they don't? Is it enough if they fake the passion? But really - its not that hard for us to know to know if they are faking it.




I agree that if someone is in an unusual hormonal state, it would be hard to sexually arouse them. In that sich, they should take some responsibility for correcting the hormonal imbalance, unless they know it will be temporary, like in your breastfeeding example.In my sich and most other's on this board, our spouse's hormonal levels are normal.

The question I ask myself is what can I do to inspire passion in my H? I think a lot of the suggestions in SSM and PM are useful because they try to answer this question. The root of the word passion means suffering, as in The Passion of the Christ and it is clear why this word has come to mean intense sexual longing. Intense sexual longing is not an altogether pleasant feeling. Who knows this better than the HD half of a SSM? Maybe the LD half of the SSM knows it better. Maybe it feels safer to be numb rather than to risk the pain of passion, even if this means missing out on the pleasure also. If the HD partner changes, either by doing a 180 or becoming more differentiated or putting the marriage on the line, the LD partner is forced out of their safe hiding place. The status quo has been disturbed and there are possibilities for pain all around. The LD partner freaks out and demands the return of safety. The HD partner has to remain strong and insist that it is better to risk pain than to forgo pleasure.

If I have to look super sexy, talk boldly about my sexual needs and threaten to leave in order to get my H to realize that there are things more painful than letting himself feel passion for his wife, then that's what I'm going to do. If being nice and always available makes my H feel numb and annoyed, then I will be more selfish and withholding. I will remain honest because I will make it clear that I am doing these things to inspire his passion. He then has the choice to transcend his need to seek passion only in order to escape emotional pain and he will be able to meet me in a mature relationship.


"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver