Dave said: ------------ Is it obvious that I'm waffling back and forth on this decision? NOPKins, are your there? I need your insight on this idea. But something tells me that I'm going to "let it go" tonight. I'll report back later. ------------
Sorry I haven't been around much. My workload has been severe.
Dave, all I can tell you is what I know to be true, FOR ME. It isn't 'PM-correct' and it isn't popular, but here it is.
In my situation, we still had problems with initiation, and performance and everything else that goes along with having sex. I have never really had any problem having an erection "on-demand". Regardless, in some of our earlier sessions as we began our recovery, my hard wood, whittled. I could get it up, but it was an effort, and that was a situation I was completely unaccustomed to.
Maybe the initiation hadn't gone as planned or she wasn't excited about it or I was feeling guilty or (insert reason here)...
What broke that for us, and allowed us to concentrate on getting to know each other again, was simple - a schedule.
What a schedule did for us was remove most of the uncertainty of initiation. That uncertainty had previously pre-tainted many of our love making sessions. By removing the uncertainty of initiation, we could concentrate on our lovemaking.
Secondly, I reduced my expectations for our sessions. Frankly, they were poison to our lovemaking sessions. She is still working not to feel pressure to perform in our sessions. My goal is for her to feel safe enough to be uninhibited. Simply put, we are getting there.
Ultimately, we will probably remove our schedule in lieu of spontaneity, but for now, a schedule serves us quite well. In the mean time, we can do both. There is no reason why we can't grab a 'quicky' in the bathroom at lunch and make love later that same day.
I really don't understand our (people in general) aversion to scheduled sex. After all, we do so many things according to a schedule. Eat, work, play, sleep. For sex, however, we think it needs to be spontaneous and take on some ethereal quality. That is certainly fun when it happens, but it doesn't really happen all that often. I have had many partners, but I can count truly spontaneous sexual encounters on both hands.
I initially detested the idea of having scheduled sex. When my wife and I finally decided that anything else was just too confusing, we started spending time actually having sex, making love and getting reacquainted with each other. We stopped arguing about who meant or said what during a botched initiation. We now spend a lot more (previously wasted) time and energy having sex.
So, my suggestion is to talk to your wife. Reach an agreement on how much time and when you will spend it together. Both of you make time to eat and work, time for your kids and family. Make some time for each other and stick to it. IT TAKES TIME to rebuild or strengthen a relationship. This is common sense. You don't have to read a book to realize that :-)
One last word bit of encouragement. You spend time practicing on your bike. You do this to be good at it. If you and your wife will invest time into your relationship practicing, you will get better at it.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
