I just had a 20 minute talk with W. I told her that I'm no longer going to hold her to the 2x frequency nor anything that looks like a "process". AM I NUCKIN' FUTS? Read on....
Today, I took my D6 to the mountain bike trail and instead of riding with her, I walked along her side and made a point to pay attention to the subtle aspects of "fear", "motivation" and "encouragement". Her independence was inspiring. She pushed herself to ride through challenging sections like shallow creek crossings and roots. She asked me to push her up the technical climbs so she could steer and choose her own line. In extreme sections (like log and rock climbs), she wanted me to pull her (using her handlebars) so she could "feel" the sensations of riding while in safe hands of dad. I let her control 100% of the ride, the breaks, and even the distance which turned out to be 6 mi...the entire distance of the trail. But the most interesting thing was when she would reach a section that she was scared of (that I knew she could ride), I didn't give her any pep talks or say anything, I did the opposite and walked ahead of her. Occasionally, I would sneak a peak at her working through her fear before she would push off and ride through it with a huge smile on her face. I could have stood next to her and said "come on...you're awesome...you can do it..you've done it before" BUT I learned from a previous outing that this isn't "encouragement" to her...it's "pressure". There were times where she didn't want to push herself and I happily helped as I described above. At one point, I was afraid that I would be pushing her all the way back to the car but when we got to a certain point, she said "stop pushing...I want to ride this section myself". At some points I would encourage her to take the smoother line through a rocky section and she said "I'd rather take the fun line (through the bumpy rocks)". Oh man...I love it!!! I asked her what her favorite part of the day was and she said "the whole day!".
What does this have to do with anything? Everything. As I drove home, the similarities to my marital "process" were making my head spin. Why don't I treat my W with the same kind of encouragement and patience? How fun would it have been for my D6 if I said "we are going to complete the whole trail, you will overcome your fears, and you will be enthusiastic about it or else I might love you less" The joy would be gone for both of us. That's what I'm experiencing with this process in the marriage. My EC is *my* problem...if I need to ML, then I need to approach my W...we don't need to be on a schedule. She doesn't need to be looking at the calendar and worrying that I'm going to be acting goofy on Thursday. There have been "due dates" where I'm not horny and happy with the EC...then my W forgets, goes to bed, etc...my EC goes away due to my disappointment in her not remebering. Disappointment comes from "expectation" exceeding "reality"...eliminate the expectation, then you eliminate the disappointment. Don't get me wrong...I'm not giving up, I (secretly) think things might get much better now in terms of quality.
Just like my D6, I should "walk down the trail, not watch, and be excited when she comes along, but always be available to help, listen and comfort her". My W *knows* what I want...I've been beating her over the head for the past 6 months. She's proven that she's committed. She's proven that she loves me. She's proven that she can be extremely sexually aroused. Thursday night was a big contributer to my feelings because it represented a "perfect engagement of passion". This is what I want...not coerced sex 2x a week with a subservient wife.
When I told her this, she said..."Oh, I appreciate that so much. If your EC is low or our you want to ML, then talk to me and we can make some time together. Even though I don't think about it during the day I really enjoy being with you...so tell me." Wow...she said it before I could.
Will my EC drop to a point where I can't be "happy"? Will my attraction to her last more than a week without ML? Well, it's my problem...what if I were single? As for PM...this is exactly the thing to do right now. I'm using the relationship to grow myself. Granted, the ability to assert onself was a "growth" item that I'm glad I've learned. I've got it. Now I need to learn to deal with my own feelings better. The 2x week schedule doesn't address *my* issues at all while ad-hoc, (potentially) less frequent sex, definitely does!
Don't go getting the wrong idea. There's a huge difference between this new approach now versus doing it 3 months ago. We've said all that needs to be said. I feel comfortable in my communication / confrontational skills along with a handful of very important PM concepts. I didn't guarantee that there would less talks nor did I say I would be fine with longer dry spells I think this approach will detach me from my W's issues even more and inadvertently turn up the heat in some of her crucibles like it will be doing in mine. It's just time to start living again and connecting more naturally. My heart says this is the right thing to do right now.
-Dave (falling asleep at the keys and will try to elaborate on this more later)
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
