Dave, I totally got what you were saying and it didn't surprise me that she did that No Touchie maneuver. It is classic not wanting to want and there really isn't anything you can do to solve it, but I do believe you can help HER solve it, kwim?
Mojo was right on the money with what I was trying to say...what gets her aroused enough so that she WANTS you to touch her? Does she even know?
For instance, even though I am HD there are certain times that I don't want clitoral stimulation right away. Now they are not that frequent; I'm usually ready by the time he gets into bed just thinking about what may happen, lol. But sometimes not. And on those nights I do not want clitoral stim right off the bat. I have a very specific list of things that I like and that get me wet and ready for his hands to do some walkin, but my list would perhaps look nothing like Mrs. Dave's.
I agree with you that she has had quite enough to process lately and throwing one more thing at her right now would be disastrous, but it is something to think about: Stop accepting that this is just the "way" she is. Maybe it is and maybe it isn't! If she has never explored it and you are not allowed to, then who knows..
Also if she is very out of touch with her own body and likes/dislikes, it might take some time before she stumbles on to the things that she likes. You may have to try things (all the while working through her nervousness and joking sarcasm) to see what it is that she likes.
Unfortunately, it sounds like she has become so Dave-focused in regards to sex that she is not really focusing on herself and what she wants out of the experience.
I think women are basically alike. The difference between me and Mrs. Dave (MD) is not that I like sex and she doesn't. It is that my threshold for readiness occurs MUCH sooner than hers does. This could apply to so many things..my readiness for TRYING to get aroused, my readiness for actual sex (that is the time it takes me to become lubricated), my readiness to look forward to the big event, etc. All of this occurs much sooner in me but the basic steps are the same. So my point is that, even though I'm HD, there have been times when I have prevented my H from touching me because I just wasn't mentally or physically there yet. For me, a little talk or kissing would get me ready for that in about 5 seconds (whereas for MD it might take 5 minutes, but who cares?! As if you are anxious for it to end..) For her, she might want to read a sexy letter you wrote for her. Or she might want a massage with a "back massager" (wink wink). My point is that there are certainly things that can take her from 0 to 60; to sit back and say, Don't touch me tonight cause nothing is going to happen is both defeatist and frustrating for the other partner!
Another interesting note is that my preferences in bed for getting aroused are NOTHING like my preferences out of bed. That is, I like a lot of talking during foreplay. It gets me going quicker than anything else. Outside the bedroom, H's excessive chattiness drives me nuts. So she might be thinking that her sexual likes will fall in line with the "rest" of her and that may be off.
I don't know, I am just throwing out a female perspective here. I know it is skewed and the info may not apply, but just wanted you to know that I'm brainstorming for ya!
